Personal Relationships
Lesson 9: How Do You Start Over?
1. Self-worth and Self-esteem
2. Spiritual Relationships
3. Connecting Heart to Heart
Exercise One
4. What Love Brings Up, for Healing
5. Love is Not ...
6. When Love Is the Answer
7. How to Stay in Love
8. True Feelings
Exercise Two
9. Spiritual Discernment
10. Your Relationship With God
1. Self-worth and Self-esteem
Your sense of who you are, and your sense of worth, largely determines the relationships you have with others. Without a true sense of who you are, on a deeper level, or true self-respect, it can be difficult to find someone who respects and loves you — who you really are — on a deeper level, either.
There is a difference between self-esteem and ego. Being told you are great all the time, and everything you do is great, and there is nothing wrong with you at all, can appear to be a "cure all" for feelings of low self-esteem, but it is not. It is not self-knowledge, but rather adopting a big illusion about yourself. Illusions do not give you greater ability, wisdom, love, or truth, in reality; and they can be deflated as quickly as a balloon pricked by a pin.
Arrogance, egotism, and illusions about your worth may appear to be self-esteem, to those who do not discern, but they are not.
Unfortunately, people with big egos, who act as if they own the world or are the center of attention, have learned how to draw other people into their illusions about themselves, or their overly inflated sense of worth. And, people do get drawn in. They do not look more deeply than the superficial way in which a person presents himself or herself. Often, they do not want to look more deeply into another person, because they do not wish to look more deeply into themselves. This creates the most superficial and meaningless relationships, often based upon appearances, what is fashionable, sex, having fun, and so on. None of those is the basis for a more deep and lasting relationship.
The most good-natured people tend to have little ego. The two are mutually exclusive. They think about the needs of others, sometimes before their own needs. They do not hold an inflated sense of self-worth, and do not promote themselves as if they were selling something. They do not act as if they own the world, or are deserving of everything. Often, they do not have a lot of self-esteem, because they do not get a lot of recognition, reward, approval, or acknowledgment.
A good-natured person may even find themselves in a relationship with a person with a different nature entirely, who uses or disadvantages them, who does not respect them, or who even abuses them.
It is important to have a true sense of your inner worth, self-respect, and an expectation of having progressive, loving, fulfilling relationships. Otherwise, you get what you settle for. And, people so often settle for much less than they truly deserve. We all deserve love, respect, acknowledgment, and appreciation. If you are not getting that from someone, realize that you are being compromised — who you are inside, spiritually, is being oppressed, ignored, or compromised. And you need not accept that. Being with others does not mean being less true to your self.
Look at the people you relate to in your life. Do they take you higher? Or do they bring you to a lowest common denominator, with very little to uplift you? Are you settling for less because you don't think — or feel — very highly of yourself? Who has made you feel less? Who has damaged or eroded your self-esteem, self-respect, self-worth, or expectation of something more?
Look at your choices, the behavior you engage in which may gain the approval or acceptance of someone, or which may provide some rudimentary pleasure or fun or familiarity, but which does not raise you up, which does not make you a truly better person. Be aware of the choices you make, daily, from moment to moment, to compromise yourself. And find the courage to make better choices.
Being in a relationship with someone does not mean losing your self. It does not mean giving up your hopes and dreams. It does not mean ignoring your spiritual worth or growth because of lesser "needs." It does not mean catering to feelings of lack of worth. If you want to demand more of your relationships, demand more of your self; you may find that you need to change your relationships, especially your relationship with your self, before you meet with simple honesty, love, respect, and spiritual recognition. You need to have that relationship with your self, first.
You really don't want to have a lasting relationship in which you are not being true to your self. But don't use that as an excuse to have meaningless relationships in the interim, while you "wait" for the one you want. A pattern of settling for less, and compromising yourself, is very hard to get out of. You may find that you are comfortable settling for less, and rationalize that, choose it, and accept it. It becomes your programming, your pattern. That is the problem, not the solution. You are worth more than that. Make that better choice, daily, and you will find what you really want, a lot sooner.
2. Spiritual Relationships
A spiritual relationship is very simply one which takes you higher, in terms of who you truly are. It is uplifting, progressive, honest, loving, and respectful. It is an affirmation of all the good that you may come to know within you. It makes you a better person; it gives you hope and sustenance, joy and upliftment.
You don't have to believe in spiritual things to be in a spiritual relationship with another person. It is not a matter of belief. Neither is it a matter of having the same (or similar) social, cultural, ethnic, or religious programming or conditioning. A spiritual relationship just is, and you either recognize it and appreciate it, or not. It isn't something you create, but a recognition of what is already there, between you. This may be experienced as a deep resonance with, love, respect, or appreciation for another person (or even an animal).
As you might imagine, most relationships are not very spiritual, or spiritually uplifting.
The most common long-term relationships are based upon two people having similar attitudes, cultural values, "needs," desires, programming, and conditioning. This includes religious beliefs; people with strongly held but differing religious belief systems often find it difficult to compromise in their attitude or behavior, especially if their beliefs are intolerant of any others.
It is possible to have the same programming as another person — including religious indoctrination — and yet not have a spiritual relationship. It takes something more, something that is either there or it is not. You have probably seen (or experienced) young teenagers who are "in love." They may have a lot of energy, attraction, and desire; they may be infatuated; they may not be able to sleep at night because they have so much "love"; they may be preoccupied all the time with fantasies and expectations. But it is not true love. It is an illusion.
The same is true for the romantic love and feelings of mutual gratification most people experience as adults in relationships and marriage. It is not necessarily real love. Often, it is not much different from the illusions that adolescents have about being in love.
A spiritual relationship has no such infatuation, obsession, neediness, desire, fantasy, or mutual gratification. It is on a higher level. It is real love. It is something uncommon, not what we see when we see teenagers "in love." It is not about sex. It is not about reinforcing mutual programming. It is not about mutual ambition. It is not even about emotion or ego, which find their way into just about every other form of relationship. And it is not about what is said. It is about what is between two people, especially on the innermost level of being.
A spiritual relationship is about knowing the goodness in another person, knowing it is there (rather than imagining it is); feeling the love of their heart (rather than hoping it is there or that it will develop); feeling the givingness of their spirit, which seeks nothing in return, simply loving for the sake of loving.
A spiritual relationship is about trust, because you can see how a person is, you see how they are loving and kind and good to others, how they are able to step out of ego and personal selfishness, how they do not put their problems on others, how they do not judge or demean or seek to put down those who are weaker, more innocent, or more good. A person who relates spiritually with one person, is capable of relating in the same positive, uplifting, and progressive way with others. That quality of the heart or soul does not have any set boundaries which limit it to just one person.
And so we come to the fallacy of having a "soul mate," which is popularly defined as one person (in a world of six billion people) with whom we are able to feel spiritual togetherness or oneness. This popular belief ignores the fact that a spiritual being — a good, kind, loving person — should be able to experience that spiritual resonance and acknowledgment and appreciation and love with a great many people. We need not be limited to trying to find "that one special person," and thereby ignore our spiritual relationship with everyone else.
One special relationship is a good place to practice unfolding mutual spiritual values, to take each other higher. But it is not meant to ignore or exclude your relationship with everyone else. That would not be in the real definition of spiritual relationships.
3. Connecting Heart to Heart
There are people in our lives with whom we have a heart connection. We can feel it. There is some inner appreciation, love, respect, acknowledgment, resonance, and uplfitment in their presence. It is as if they support, encourage, or nurture the best in us. We are better for knowing them or being with them. This is how it should be in a lasting relationship.
It is possible to have a heart connection with someone for perhaps a few moments or a minute. The moment feels extra-ordinary, and something in us just shines. Perhaps we feel this with a "special someone" we know. We just glow, and they touch our heart in some way, whether words are spoken or not. It's on a deeper level than that.
This is what it means to connect heart to heart with someone.
It isn't necessarily something we can control or make happen, but when it does happen we know what it is. It feels so right, good, and true to us. Sometimes it is not easy to connect in this way with those we know, because our past history and judgments get in the way.
Still, there are ways to practice being with another person in a spiritual way, to seek a heart to heart connection. Clearly, this is something we might choose to do with someone we love, respect, appreciate, and do not have negative feelings or ill will towards (nor they towards us). Trying to connect with someone who does not have your best interests at heart can be very disadvantageous; it can set you up to be attacked by them, overtly or on a subtle level.
A loving and kind person might not want to walk around with their heart "open" all the time. You might wish to be a bit more discerning about who you invite into your heart, your life, your home, and so on. This is not about our failing to have "unconditional love." It is simply being wise and discerning in love.
It is a popular fallacy that it takes physical or sexual connection with someone to get "close" to them, to connect with them. You would be surprised at how two people can have sex and have no idea who they each are, or any desire to find out. Sex is not the defining act of connection, far from it.
Connection, true connection, occurs in the heart. By heart we mean the deeper self, the inner being or soul essence, which is often felt in the general vicinity of the heart, in the center of the chest. That is where most people experience the energy of true love.
When two people each experience this energy connection, this flow of love from heart to heart, it has a life of its own. It is something greater than each of their loves, each of their selves. It is not as simple as one plus one equals two; it is something more, a lot more. Love flowing from heart to heart multiplies; it grows. And, there are not many limits to its growth, other than what we are comfortable with in our physical bodies.
Exercise One: This exercise is best done with a loved
one. It can be done when you are together, or when you are
apart. It can also be done just by you, alone.
Take a few deep breaths, relaxing on the exhale, and
close your eyes.
Begin by taking a few moments to connect with the love in
your heart. You can do this in whatever way works best for
you: placing your hand over your heart, bringing to your
awareness a time when you felt very loved, or bringing into
your awareness the love you share with another.
If you are doing this exercise with a partner, they can
do the same process as you.
Next, picture a beautiful white light surrounding you.
See it as a bright light above your head, shining all over you,
and inside you, cleansing every aspect of your being.
Now, picture a ball of golden light above your head,
bright, clear, and strong. Picture the same for the other
person, too. See the ball of golden light move down from
above your head to the middle of your chest, near your
heart. Feel the warmth of the golden energy as it radiates
out from your heart. Picture the same for the other person,
too.
Finally, picture the two balls of golden light expanding
so that they meet, and merge as one. Picture the golden
light filling both of you, surrounding both of you.
Visualize it as an energy of pure love.
Mentally say an affirmation of your love, asking nothing
other than that your love go towards the other, and that it be
received as best as it can be. You are not trying to control
the response of the other person to your love; that is their
job, and their responsibility.
When you are done, picture yourself surrounded by white
light again, and draw the golden energy back into the area of
your heart. See it there as a ball of golden energy.
Allow it to be in your heart. When you are ready, you may
gently open your eyes.
4. What Love Brings Up, for Healing
Love brings up anything unlike it, for healing, for release, so that there will be more space for love. Even connecting heart to heart with someone can bring up past feelings or problems.
There is a difference between connecting with someone, heart to heart, and plugging in to a limiting pattern of behavior — which is unproductive. A negative or limiting pattern in a relationship generally takes two people to activate. Another way of looking at this is: when a problem arises, each person plugs into it, out of habit, conditioning, or programming. That keeps the problem from being resolved, and merely reactivates it.
What we each need to learn to do, in any lasting relationship, is to not hook up on our side of the other person's negative patterns of thinking, feeling, or behaving. We need not get caught in the drama of negativity. We need not be reactive, but rather remain in a place of calmness, peace, truth, and love, within us. This means remaining in our heart, not getting into our head.
It is seldom the case that two people can experience a lot of love without other things coming up: deeper levels of sadness, hurt, fear, anger, or guilt. These may only become evident in the presence of love, in whose presence they may be released.
The idea is not to get used to upset feelings as being "normal" in a loving relationship, even though they do come up. They are coming up for release — not to be acted upon, dramatized, justified, rationalized, or believed. They simply need release, because their presence blocks the flow or experience of greater love. Remember, they are seeking release, not justification.
This is one of the most important points about relationships: if you allow emotions to pass from you, you will have a relationship which is less and less emotional. And that is a very good thing. It is not a sign that you don't love each other, or you don't care, or you don't have a connection, when the emotion diminishes or goes away. It is a sign of greater healing and personal growth.
A relationship is not supposed to be a place to renew emotion and ego, to find "endless passion." That is immature at best, and quite delusory. Also, the endless bickering and fighting that occur in many long-term relationships have very little to do with love. They are examples of two people plugging into a limiting pattern of behavior — consciously or not — simply because they are used to doing so and don't know another way to be with each other when upset feelings come up. The more conscious you are of this, the more you realize it is not necessary, and the more you have learned to deal with upset, the less likely small upsets will blow up out of all proportion.
A relationship is a space — a psychological, emotional, spiritual, and physical space — in which you may engage with another person. A relationship is not about owning or possessing another person, or having them conform to your wishes, desires or expectations. A relationship based in love is a space for releasing all of those egotistical attitudes and illusions.
You will probably become aware of, and hopefully let go of, your ego-emotional illusions, sooner or later, in a relationship. That does not mean the relationship has dried up or gone away. Love is something which grows the less ego, selfishness, or illusions we have in relation to another person. It may be a quieter, less dramatic, more spiritual form of love.
Love is not just an emotion or a feeling. It is a quality of who we are, inside. That does not pass when we give up our illusions about what love is.
5. Love is Not ...
Love is not being needful.
Love is not lust.
Love is not being regretful.
Love is not withholding.
Love is not hurting.
Love is not having illusions.
Neediness is a form of emotional dependence. And it might be suggested that it is okay for us to need each other; that is what a relationship is, the need for another person. But, that is not what love is.
Love is a place within us, and the flow of energy from that place, which is not needy, lacking, empty, or seeking to get. It is a place in which we are in touch with the fullness of all that is right, good, and true within us; and if there is any "need," it not being needy of others, or their love. Rather, it is the need to simply allow love to flow to others.
Love is an inherent state of satisfaction, and freedom from desire. It is not the extreme neediness, desire, or attachment of lust. Lust is extreme sexual excitement, desire, passion, and neediness. It is the illusion that feelings of lack, in you, can be filled by another person. This is based on a very limiting and oppressing feeling of lack which creates a kind of desperation for release; it can also be hormonal, and have nothing whatsoever to do with love.
Love is not looking back, regretting what was or what isn't. It is appreciating what is. Everyone has regrets, even people who might say they would do nothing different in their lives or their relationships. We mature in our perspective, self-knowledge, awareness, and ability to choose what is "best." There is really no such thing as "best." Best is the best we are able to do at a given time; and if we fall short of what we realize is more good, right, or true, then that is called "learning." Be thankful for what you have learned, how you are more aware or able to see and make better choices, now. You are always going to learn more and have more awareness, all of the time; so, choices and actions in the past may tend to be seen as less aware. That is just the way it is. The alternative is that you don't learn anything, and are content with every choice you make, and do not learn to discern what is better. That is not a better alternative, although many people try to keep a relationship going by refusing to change, grow, or learn anything different.
Love is not keeping your thoughts, feelings, intentions, or truth within you — denying someone the opportunity to realign themselves in the presence of the truth. Withholding is a willful attempt to keep someone from knowing what you are experiencing, or allowing them the chance to understand what is happening for you. Perhaps it is fear that keeps people from disclosing their inner feelings, but in a lasting relationship, the passage of time (if nothing else) allows trust to grow. You no longer fear rejection when you are used to being acknowledged, accepted, and loved for who you are — then you are not afraid to share that.
Love does not hurt. There may be countless pop songs and other media programming that declares "love hurts," but that simply is not true. The bursting of a bubble of illusion, the passing of romantic illusions of love, the pain of trying to make some else's love become your source — those things may hurt. But, love does not hurt, not real love. Neither does love hurt someone else; if you are doing anything that hurts someone, that is not loving them. We mean hurt, not their ego-emotional nature being disappointed in you or feeling unimportant. Ego and emotion die down in a lasting loving relationship; there is no excuse for causing any hurt to another person, especially in a loving relationship. True love is healing, and may allow the release of hurt feelings from the past (including the recent past); but, again, those feelings are different from love.
Finally, love is not the illusion of love, or holding on to any illusions. People "love" — are emotionally attached or addicted to — any number of things, from junk food to gambling to their favorite sports team. They think that they more attached or excited they are, the more tightly they hold on with their ego-emotional nature, the more that is "love." It is not. Those are illusions and they have nothing at all to do with real love. Illusions of love die out in a lasting relationship, to be replaced by a deepening real love, between two people. Love is not what you have for people or things you are merely obsessed with, addicted to, or attached to.
6. When Love Is the Answer
True love is often the answer to relationship problems, because true love can admit all truths. Many situations can be uplifted by real love — true and corrective love. Emotional "love," by contrast, has a negative effect, producing many false expectations. False love — imagining that "everyone is just fine the way they are," or "you just have to love them more" — never works.
You need to discriminate in loving. Remember that true love does not seek to control or use someone. Neither does love ignore what needs to be taken care of, out of false emotional love or wanting to "keep the peace." Love demands an honest relationship, without any ulterior motive, without trying to get something in return for your love.
If you give emotional "love" as a reward for obedience to your will, or as a means of negotiation, you have left the realm of true love entirely. You are trying to satisfy your ego, pride, and selfish expectations. Get back to the love in you, without trying to pressure, manipulate, or control. Realize, true love is found in releasing emotional attachments. This is the only way to apply a truly loving and corrective influence to a situation.
Notice when you are reacting out of emotional love, or some sort of emotional pull. Your real obligation is to not lose integrity with your own self. This may appear selfish, but it is not. Otherwise, emotional "love" may lead you to accept what is wrong. Love what is right, good and true, deeply within your self, and learn how to act from there. This is sometimes referred to as "tough love."
Share your love with those who welcome and respect your love, who care to nourish your true inner self. And forget the rest. Do not imagine that you can make someone who hasn't any love, love you. Do not take it as a challenge to your ego or pride, or you may be terribly exploited. Don't make a mood of loving; don't pretend to be loving when you are not.
Give up all of your preconceived ideas and programming and conditioning as to how you think a relationship "should" be; let go of the things which have proven to be a dead end for you, with no regret. Realize that emotion, pride, and ego can (and must) diminish in a loving relationship, as does the "need" for sex. The first step in sharing love with anyone is a process of looking deeply within your own self. See what your motives are, see if you are looking to get anything from the other person. And, see what they are looking to get from you.
In coming from a place of love within you, do not mistakenly imagine that those who may have no love for you are somehow "loving" — because you feel love within you. Notice that the love you may feel inside is really your love; it does not mean someone else has true love for you. You need to be very aware, to even know if love is really there. Do not imagine that someone will do what is right because they love you. They will only do what is right and good and true if they have it within their own nature to do so. Many people do not have such a good nature. You do not need to imagine or pretend that others want true love.
Many people reject true love, corrective love, non-possessive love; they only want ego flattery or support, or someone to love the wrong in them. You can only share love with those who accept love within them, not just ego delusions. This is how to truly love — and be free of the emotional attachments and suffering which you might have once thought of as a necessary part of "truly" loving someone or being loved.
7. How to Stay in Love
In order to stay in love with another person, you have to stay in the love in you. Realize, it is not a matter of trying to stay in their love, it is a matter of learning to stay in your love.
It doesn't matter what another person may be experiencing, in themselves, or in relation to you, you have the capacity to learn to remain in your center, in your quiet inner self, in a place of love, peace, happiness, and wisdom. That is the only place you can be which is ultimately helpful to another person.
If they are upset, it does not help either of you if you become upset as well. If they are not in touch with love, or do not feel connected to you, it does not help either of you for you to lose touch with the love in you. The fact that someone else is not being loving, or is not in a place where they can acknowledge or receive the love you have, does not mean you should stop being loving or join them in their misery. If they don't feel good, or they don't feel good about you, you don't need to match their feelings or believe them. You can continue to believe in your self, and stay in love.
You may find that your practice of remaining calm, clear, centered, loving, and more objective — rather than reactive on the ego-emotional level — helps others to re-connect with the love in them more quickly, when they have lost that connection. You don't necessarily have to try to make everyone happy, or try to "fix" them when they are not, but rather provide a reference point for them where they can see the place they have left and remember the value of coming back to it, in themselves. They may realize it is a choice they can make.
Staying in love is a choice. It is not a matter of trying to hold on to romantic illusions of love, or some kind of excitement that has diminished. All of that is just of the ego-emotional nature, and it does tend to properly diminish as we learn to have a more deep and true love and appreciation for another person. So, staying in love is not a matter of keeping the passion and excitement alive all the time; it is a matter of simply keeping your heart open, all the time, with the other person.
If you are in a relationship with someone, and you feel as if the love is not there — you can't feel it, or you don't see it — ask yourself what happened to make love "go away"? What caused you (or them) to close your heart? When did you make that choice, and why? Were you trying to avoid some greater hurt or pain? Did you have too much anger, fear, sadness, guilt, jealousy? Is there mistrust, and is it justified? What can you do to get past the things that occasioned you to disconnect?
Reconnection is generally always the same thing. It is learning from what "went wrong" and moving forward, so that you do not make the same mistakes or poor choices again. It is choosing to love again, rather than hold on to upset feelings or resentment. It is loving for no other reason than we truly only feel okay when we are loving, when we feel the love in our own heart.
Again, this has a lot more to do with you connecting with and staying in your own love, rather than waiting for the other person to love you more, or to fix you. You are responsible for your own feelings, your own heart, and the love you have; it is simply a better choice, always, to stay in the love in your own heart. That is how to have a true, progressive, loving, and lasting relationship with anyone. You cannot control how anyone is towards you (and it is better not to even try — that is manipulation, not love or true healing). You always, and only, have your self to work with.
8. True Feelings
True feelings are related to refinement of awareness. They are not emotional reactions.
True feelings, originating within your inner awareness, may be experienced as:
- subtle perceptions of truth, an intuitive knowing or "sensing" of reality
- a resonance with the underlying truth of things, regardless of surface impressions, whereby erroneous impressions are dismissed
- a rejection of anything which is not in harmony with the pure essence of love in your true inner being, and
- awareness of true qualities of the inner being, such as true love, peace, harmony, joy, wisdom.
True feelings are a refined awareness or discernment of truth — and the source of true feelings is within your own inner being. They can only be experienced clearly when you break through your programming and conditioning, and learn to be calm, clear, centered, and truly aware. The result of connecting with your true inner self, is perceiving the truth about your self and others much more clearly. If you are essentially a good person, you will experience a certain harmony with those of a similar essence of goodness; you will also experience a feeling of disharmony or even revulsion for those of a more evil essence, regardless of their outer appearances. Children often have these true intuitive feelings about strangers, relatives, day-care workers, and others — before they are conditioned to deny these feelings, or otherwise subjected to abuse.
True feelings are not just an attitude, desire, expectation, or judgment, or a matter of bigotry, racial bias, religious preference, nationalism, prejudice, or other erroneous ego-emotional reactions and external impressions. True feelings are not the typical false programming where a person feels "friendly" towards anyone with the same programming or "emotionally loving" appearances.
There are lots of people who are quite happy that you see no wrong in them, and who like you for that very reason. This way, they have no "problem" with what is wrong in them, either. Basically, if you accept what is wrong in others, it is because you have already accepted what is wrong within you. You can only be used, abused or exploited if you remain unaware of the negativity in people. Learn to be more aware.
True feelings include truly expansive and uplifting feelings of joy (unrelated to ego), peace (unrelated to material security), love (unrelated to emotion), and freedom (unrelated to status or position or your travel agenda). These true feelings do exist in spite of all of the difficulties we may face in life.
Exercise Two: Take a deep breath, relax, and close your
eyes. Be aware of any thoughts, feelings, or desires you may
have. Simply be aware of them. If you notice that you are
absorbed in any given one, just let it go, without trying to
wrestle with it. Another thought or feeling will come to
replace it. If you sit quietly and continue with this, you
will notice that your strong thoughts and feelings tend to
pass, and you may notice more subtle ones.
You may begin to notice quieter feelings, feelings of
peace, knowingness, intuition, and more clear awareness. If
you wish, you can simply note what you are aware of, for
example, if you get lost in a thought, simply observe
"that's a thought," or "that's
anger," and so on — rather than focus on the
content. The idea is to be aware of what you are
experiencing, more subtle levels of experience, awareness,
thought, or feeling.
Realize, these finer levels of feeling are within you,
already. You simply need to allow yourself to be more aware
of a subtle level of feeling, beyond the gross level of emotion
and desire. When you are ready, you can open your eyes.
Long term, lasting relationships require this finer level of awareness, attention, and feeling. The more gross level of emotion, desire, and thinking only goes so far. What you are aware of on a finer level — and share with another person — becomes the basis of something real and lasting. Emotion, no matter how strong, is too fleeting and superficial to be the basis of a lasting relationship.
True feelings are liberating, and differ from the grosser emotions that bind you, or lock you into habitual patterns of behavior. True feelings, in their pure essence, come from within you — and are not a product of external conditions, conditioning, or reactions. They are qualities of the spirit which rejoices in freedom, hope, and liberation from all that is oppressive in life. True feelings show the indomitableness of the spirit — rather than its manipulation via emotion. The inner realm of true feelings is a place of truth, within you.
9. Spiritual Discernment
Give yourself a chance to see the truth of things, especially in relation to people who may come into your life.
See people as they are, not as you hope they might be. If you are a good person, don't naively imagine everyone else is, too. Be aware of the battle between the forces of good and evil, in daily life. Those forces are far greater, and far more subtle, than you may realize. Yet, they are real. And they most often act, not as lightning bolts coming out of the sky, but through people you meet or know. Evil tries to get close to you, by feeding your illusions, telling you lies you want to believe, pretending to have something to "offer" you. You have to be more wise than that, and protect yourself.
Those who insist that there is no such thing as evil are totally programmed, totally unaware, or evil. Evil is not a tiny exception to the rule that "everyone is good." Evil is not a tiny aberration in mankind. Many people are lacking in love, light, truth, or goodness. Psychologists tell us that there are hundreds of millions of sociopaths — who have absolutely no conscience — walking around on this earth.
You need to be aware of that, and not hold the illusion that everyone is good, or will be good to you. There are some very bad people in this world, and you need to understand that — especially if you are are good natured person.
It is very hard for a person who has love, goodness, truth, and light in their inner being, to understand what other people can be like, or how they can be like that. It is for this very reason — that the good cannot even conceive of how the evil think and behave — that they are exploited, abused, deceived, and destroyed by the evil ones whom they least suspect. It is hard to believe that people can be so evil, if you are not evil. It is nearly impossible to imagine that someone who pretends to love you — whether a friend, lover, family member, or stranger — is just deceiving you. They do not love you because they do not know what love is, they do not have love within them, and they have only mastered the art of deception.
They have been referred to as "people of the lie." Such people may act as if they love you, they may act as if they are respectable and trustworthy, but they will somehow disadvantage, victimize, or hurt you, emotionally, physically, sexually, psychologically, financially, and/or spiritually.
Unless you have the ability to spiritually discern (with true spiritual vision) the nature of the beings that happen to be walking around in these human bodies, on this earth, do not dismiss this as some sort of superstition or misanthropy. It is the truth — the most damning and suppressed truth about society and humanity.
The denial of evil is the greatest accomplishment of evil in this world. If good people believe there is no such thing as evil, and are incapable of thinking evilly in their own minds, they are set up to be greatly disadvantaged by the evil ones.
Compulsive liars, deceivers, cheaters, murderers, con men (and women), adulterers, and cheats are not necessarily the identifiable "riff-raff" of society. Rather, they form the ranks of the most ordinary members of society, church-goers, ministers, politicians, and world leaders. They lie through their teeth. They are often rich and famous. They are often sexual predators, in the highest offices, abusing their power and authority to take whatever they want, with no conscience, no guilt, no remorse, no perception whatsoever of the difference between good and evil.
These are the people of the lie, and they are everywhere. Unless you are able to see through the illusions, deception, and web of untruth that they weave in this world, in society, in institutions — and in personal relationships — you may be seduced, programmed, deceived, abused, or exploited. The goal of evil is to put out your light. And it does that expertly, cunningly, and most often unsuspectingly.
Relationships and interactions are not just some haphazard, harmless biological or social intercourse. They are a meeting and a battle between the subtle forces of good and evil. When a good person who has love, light, and goodness within him or her relates with a person who does not, the good person generally gets attacked, polluted, deceived, exploited, abused, programmed, suppressed, drained, lied to, or hurt. Regardless of what may appear to be happening superficially, this is always the case on the deeper spiritual levels, whether or not you are aware of it, understand it, or consent to it. It happens.
Be aware of those who declare that all people are good, to make you feel guilty for perceiving that many people are not at all good, but are in fact quite evil — by their own choice. Do not be victimized by those who would oppress, trap, or abuse you, no matter what their relationship.
The ultimate value, meaning, and purpose of being in relationship with anyone is to rise higher, spiritually, to experience the highest spiritual qualities of love, peace, truth, and goodness. If you have any relationships which are contrary to this, you need to reexamine them in this light.
10. Your Relationship With God
We began the discussion of relationships by noting that we are each already in relationship with everyone and everything. It is just a matter of what we put our attention on, what we are aware of, and what we find value in. That defines the relationships we have in our lives.
On the most fundamental level, there are no boundaries to consciousness. Consciousness is like an underlying energy field, extending everywhere. Our relationship to "all that is" is sometimes referred to as our relationship with "god."
But, God is more than all that is, all that has been created, all that we experience. There is something that guides us to the source of all that is good, loving, kind, peaceful, nurturing, wise, and supportive. We recognize that as the ultimate quality of Being. And so we recognize or seek the highest qualities of Being, in us.
If your relationship with God is not right, then your relationship with everyone and everything else in your life isn't right either. Some people just ignore the whole idea of having a relationship with God. It seems beyond them, unreal, or impossible. Others imagine that relationship to be the way their tradition may have taught or told them, but fail to find that or experience that for themselves.
We each have a chance to be more true to who we are, to come closer to the spiritual qualities we share, and relate that way with others — and with God. Why would anyone who truly loved us want us to be something other than who we truly are?
You do not need to merit a relationship with God. You do not need to do something to deserve it. And you do not need to believe a long list of doctrines and dogmas.
Your relationship with God is entirely between you and God. No one else needs to know about that. No one is to judge you or your worthiness or what is in your heart. And no one is to take the place of God, or serve as some self-declared intermediary, regardless of their self-appointed authority or scriptural or spiritual beliefs.
If there is only one thing that you know about your relationship with God, it is that you already have that relationship. And no one and nothing should be allowed to get in the way between you and the God of your heart. It doesn't matter what title or authority they may claim to have. No one truly knows your heart — or should be in your heart — other than God and you.
There are many spiritual teachings and traditions which do little more than socialize you. They seek your conformity and adaptation to your society. In the worst case, they seek your mindless, unquestioning, agreement. In various societies, including those out of which your present society has arisen, people were put to death for questioning things, for having a mind of their own, for daring to unfold their own spiritual abilities, for having greater awareness or perceptions into the nature of people and things around them.
You need to step out of all of that, all of the enforced, oppressive, dogmatic, absolutism, submission, and misrepresentations, to simply have a relationship with God in your own heart. That may be the last thing that various religious authorities want; they prefer to keep you in a totally passive and dependent role, asking for their intercession and forgiveness, having you memorize chapter and verse of scripture, reciting verbatim prayers, with all the appearance of spirituality and godliness on their faces and lips, without knowing God in their own heart.
The only relationship that won't go away, that will never leave you, is the one you have with the Divine in you. And it is, literally, not anyone else's business. It is completely between God and you. The more you develop your personal relationship with God, the more truth, love, peace, and goodness you will bring into relationship with everyone else.