Personal Relationships
Lesson 10: Review
These are some of the main points from lessons 1 to 9,
which you can review at any time.
Lesson 1: Your relationship with you
Lesson 2: Learning to love yourself
Lesson 3: How to be with others
Lesson 4: More successful relationships
Lesson 5: Relationship problems
Lesson 6: Understanding needs
Lesson 7: Overcoming limiting patterns
Lesson 8: Issues and answers
Lesson 9: Lasting relationships
Lesson 1: Your relationship with you
part 1
On the most basic level, we are here to be who we are. We are not to be molded, shaped, defined, manipulated, or controlled by others — to take our identity from how others are to us, what they think of us, or how they feel toward us.
Our first duty, in relation to anyone else, is to be true to who we are. We are responsible for that. We need to know who we truly are, and act that way.
You can only work one side of a relationship: your own.
In the simplest terms, your life needs to be an expression of who you are, within you, rather than a reaction to how others are, outside you. Ultimately, you need to know that you can experience what you are looking for, within you, rather than mistakenly trying to find it or get it from someone else.
part 2
When we don't know how to find what we need within ourselves, we go off in search of what we need in others. We imagine they have what we need and will give it to us. But, that simply does not happen. No one can give you what you need to find within you, what you are lacking within you. You have to find love, peace, happiness, wisdom, and wholeness within you. Those things do not come from someone else.
Unfortunately, our society, the media, and popular role models teach us how to have relationships that do not work. And, we become so unaware, so programmed to do as we have learned from others, that we go about it all wrong, believing we are all right.
part 3
Our parents, friends, family, culture, and the media, all influence us on a subtle level, and we are often not even aware of it. We may be attracted to a certain body type, a certain type of personality, someone who may be a lot like us or unlike us. Usually, when we feel an attraction, we interpret it as being "right, good, and true" for us. But, attraction is not always a reliable indicator of whether someone is right for us.
The reason there are so many traumatic, hurtful, distressing, and demoralizing divorces, is that we see others through the filter of our own illusions, and when those illusions leave, we leave. We never even get close to what our true self wants or needs. Instead, we merely act out our ego, emotions, and limiting or destructive patterns of behavior — as does our relationship partner.
part 4
A relationship is an opportunity to aspire to something more. Relationships have nothing to do with getting anything from anyone. They have everything to do with getting what you need — finding it — within you. Loving relationships are not based upon negotiating getting what you want from someone. And they are not about two people agreeing to love each other as they are — by seeing no wrong in each other, or by putting up with hurt, abuse, or other misery. It's not "Let's Make a Deal."
Yet, nearly all relationships are entered into and perpetuated by mutual agreement. Your agreement must be to accept what is right, good, and true, and to reject what is not. That is the only agreement you need have with anyone.
If you are in or remain in any relationship with anyone — including those who are related to you by birth, marriage, or biology — you are in agreement with the relationship. You are agreeing to get what you are getting out of it, and you are agreeing to put into it what you are putting into it. Of course, the agreement is just as real if you are getting nothing out of it, or putting nothing into it, or being hurt. As long as the relationship exists, some kind of exchange, some perception of value, exists.
How you are towards yourself, and how you "teach" other people to be towards you — by your attitude, appearance, words, and behavior — defines your relationships. People read those signs and act towards you as you consciously or unconsciously expect them to, positively or negatively.
part 5
Clearly, some things really are better for you than others, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. And it makes a difference what you choose, do, or act out — especially in relationships.
Some things, some people, and some relationships are right, good, and true for you, and some are not. Ego and emotion can draw you into exactly those relationships which are least good for you, because they cloud your judgment, excite you, and feed your fantasies. You "see" what isn't there, and fail to see what is.
part 6
Feeling good when you are with someone may be a start, but it isn't everything. We live in a complex interrelationship with everyone and everything around us — we each provide the meaning and value in our own lives. We decide who and what matters to us. And, we decide what purpose a relationship is to serve.
It takes a certain level of conscious agreement, a meeting of minds and hearts, to have a workable, long-term relationship. That is something you have to work at. "Meaning" is something that unfolds, evolves, and grows; it is not a static definition or state. You know if a relationship is meaningful to you or not — "meaningful" is not a bad word; neither is "commitment."
part 7
There is usually a point at which we move from a sort of impersonal, unconscious, instinctual reaction, into a more conscious, thinking, feeling, and willing relationship. At least, consider that the goal. Some people never "get real," but live in relation to their fantasies about others, their image or illusion, rather than who they truly are — or who the other person really is.
part 8
Do you make the qualities of love, peace, or happiness dependent upon anyone or anything outside yourself? Do you know that you can find more of those qualities within you, and simply be more happy, loving, at peace, or fulfilled? That you don't have to wait for something from someone, to allow yourself that experience? Are you aware that you could live from a place of love, peace, and happiness in the present moment rather than the future (or past)?
In the process of becoming more aware, you'll begin to notice a change in the way you look at people, at your self, at the world. And, as a result, your sense of who you are, what you need, and how to have it, will be very different from how it has been. You will learn how to have what you need — love, honesty, appreciation, validation, respect, openness, and peace — regardless of how anyone is towards you. You will learn to find those qualities, and express them, from within you.
part 9
Once again, relationships are not about getting what you want from others, but finding how to give of your self, so that you have more of what you are giving. This is the basic principle of relating. It is how you experience the qualities of love, peace, and happiness within you — without making them dependent upon anyone else, or "getting" them from someone else.
Lesson 2: Learning to love yourself
part 1
The love you have within you — which is essentially the love you have for yourself — is the love you share with others. If you don't really love yourself, or you have a lot of judgments, self-criticism, negative emotions, or self-negating beliefs, you have less love to give.
But love is all about opening, growing, learning, and being more than you thought you were. And seeing others in that same light, so that they can be more than they thought they were, too.
part 2
Simple loving kindness, caring and sharing, is its own greatest reward. Giving of your self, unselfishly, is the way to increase the connection you have with the love and happiness within you. You discover that giving of yourself increases your wholeness of self, rather than taking anything away from you but your ego.
part 3
A friend is wrongly defined as someone who loves us and accepts us as we are, and who doesn't want us to change; rather, a true friend is someone who sees us as more than we are, who sees something greater in us, and who inspires us to reach for it.
A "friend" is not someone who will see no wrong in you as long as you will see no wrong in them. Such an agreement to accept or cater to ego delusions is not friendship. It is acting out self-destructive behavior in your relationships.
True friendship grows by a process of finding what is good and true within your own self and others, and sharing it. This is the only basis of real friendship.
part 4
Reacting emotionally to people and things outside you, is a means by which external influences get inside you and may subsequently control your behavior, actions, and choices. This is the most common means of losing your protective boundaries, your true self, and the peace, harmony, love, and joy within you.
What happens in your relationships is a direct result of the way you deal with boundaries — your own and those of the person you are relating to. As a result you may need to learn how to clearly establish your boundaries.
part 5
You are responsible for the choices you make in relationships. You are responsible for accepting or rejecting wrong influences. Responsibility is not about burden; it's about greater personal empowerment and growth in your relationships with others and your self. Responsibility is self-acceptance.
part 6
Have you ever thought that you can only appreciate in others what you can find in yourself? You have to find it in yourself, first, and know it there, before you can recognize it or appreciate it in others.
The simple expression of sincere appreciation for who someone is, for the goodness in them, has a very uplifting effect, for both of you.
part 7
Realize that you are the one who has the key to your own heart. The way to open your heart, to know the love in you, is to feel worthy of the love in your own self and deserving of sharing it with others.
part 8
Love may be experienced by itself, but is often accompanied by feelings of joy, harmony, warmth, peace, and overall well-being within the self.
Love restores you to the wholeness of your self, in the very essence of your being. True love is devoid of ego. Love is the acceptance of all that is right and good and true in life, in you.
Love is not obsession with or addiction to someone — even if it is mutual. Love is not emotional attachment, ego investment, programming, or infatuation felt in the presence (or absence) of another. Illusions of love often prove to be very hurtful and disappointing.
True love is structured in strength, harmony, peace, and joy, in you. Love is not jealousy, selfishness, pride, anxiety or weakness felt in the presence of another person. Love is not being weak for someone, or "losing your self" in them. Being "lost in love" means being completely overcome by your illusions.
part 9
True love is not using or being used by anyone, ever.
part 10
Love gently encourages, asks for, and nurtures the highest in you.
Love is real, though intangible — it is found on the deepest level of feeling. But, it is not so much a feeling as it is a quality of the inner self. Love manifests in inner harmony, inner awareness, conscience, and goodness. The essence of love must be found within you.
Since love is on the finest level of feeling, the experience of love can be overshadowed by other, grosser feelings. Love is the greater reality, but it can be obscured or distorted by negative emotions, resentment, and egotism. Love can even be forgotten when you become unaware of it in the present moment, within you.
Love is there, waiting, quietly and gently, to be admitted into your heart and soul, now. Allow your heart to be open.
Lesson 3: How to be with others
part 1
"First, do no harm," is the first rule of being in relationship with anyone. Going against this higher principle can cause a great deal of suffering for you and others.
You can also think of this as "impeccability," the choice to do no wrong, to do the best you can, to honor the truth, the highest, and let go of anything less.
So, in order to "first, do no harm," it is necessary to be aware of how you are in relation to your self, be aware of what you bring to relationships with others, and take responsibility for releasing yourself from self-limiting, self-destructive, hurtful, or wrong behavior or relationships. Much of the time you can learn to get free, even within a relationship. Other times, the only thing that will work is to step out of the relationship, especially if there is any abuse or destructive behavior occurring.
part 2
Emotions are feelings; you can be aware of them without having to act on them. Awareness of your feelings is an important part of your relationship with others and your self. Emotional clearing, or the release of upset feelings, is one of the more important healing needs which arises in relation to others, and in you. The idea is to learn to be aware of your feelings — not to act them out.
Feelings arising within you may tend to find justification in your thoughts or in external events. True awareness sees through emotion. Otherwise your thoughts just follow your emotional reactions, and so may your behavior.
part 3
Many people carry around with them a history of emotional upset and suppressed feelings, causing them to be emotionally reactive. Such feelings are already inside, whether or not they are being acknowledged, accepted, or ignored. This is why various (sometimes minor) situations can trigger such strong emotions.
When you become aware of emotions and emotional thinking as external reactions, you can let go of the external reaction and bring your awareness back to your self. You can go beyond being aware of, focused on or lost in your emotions, and come back to your true self; this is how you reconnect with the truth in you.
part 4
It takes two people to act out a pattern of behavior with each other. If one "unhooks" from the pattern, and learns to be calm, centered, and clear, the pattern of upset will diminish and pass. It only takes one person to change the dynamic, to change the relationship or the way it works.
Realize that your feelings are your own. They are in you already; nobody else is responsible for them. Other people may bring up feelings in you, or make you aware of the feelings that you already have in you.
part 5
Often, the grosser level of feeling, and the lower emotions, will tend to obscure the finer level of feeling, and the higher feelings. This is why it is necessary to learn to cultivate this finer feeling level, and to learn to allow the finer feelings in you to not be overshadowed by the grosser ones.
Grosser or lower feelings are usually negative emotional reactions to things outside you, and may include, jealousy, fear, sadness, guilt, anger, contempt, and hate. Higher feelings are more like qualities of the true self; they originate within the inner self; they are not just emotional reactions to external situations.
Finer or higher feelings may include courtesy, kindness, affection, compassion, true love, devotion, and reverence.
These higher feelings/qualities and related thoughts have a higher level of joy and energy, an uplifting influence, a means for elevating you above lower feelings.
part 6
To communicate effectively you need to first be aware of your own true thoughts, feelings, and desires. You have to be clear as to what you are experiencing within you, to communicate it outside you.
part 7
If you wish to be sure that your communication is received as intended, you need to determine what the other person "heard." Many people either fail to do this, or get angry at the other person for not understanding what they said or for not acting in accordance with the message. First, make sure they get the message.
What you want to say, what you do say, what you think you said, and what the other person thinks you said, can be completely different. This is especially so if there are any upset feelings, or if one person is confused or emotionally upset, or is trying to invalidate, confuse, emotionally upset or control the other person or their reaction.
part 8
Disagreement is all right; you don't have to agree with everybody, or anybody, on everything or anything. Similarly, they don't have to agree with you. Any need to have someone agree with you probably comes from your own insecurities.
Communicating is about connecting and sharing, not hashing out points of contention so as to more exquisitely define your ego-based separation. Do not cater to meaningless intellectualizing or emotionalizing. It doesn't help either the person doing it or the person hearing it. Simply be aware of the truth, in you.
part 9
In communicating with someone, speak to them as you wish to be spoken to. Be calm and centered in your self; don't be emotionally reactive to them.
Fighting is not communicating.
part 10
Compromise is the act of giving up something lesser for something greater. It is important to realize that compromise does not mean giving up what is true to you.
Some compromise is necessary in loving relationships. A meeting between heart, mind, and spirit, requires each person to take steps toward the other. Do not allow selfishness or pride to stand in the way of true harmony and agreement.
part 11
The idea in completing a relationship is to get to a place, from your side — whether you are with the other person or not — where you can feel at peace. It doesn't mean you resolve every conflict or problem you ever had with them, or every disagreement. It doesn't mean you get to heal everything or leave every relationship on a positive note. It doesn't mean you wind up excusing people for wrongs they have done to you, just to try to be "positive" or "understanding."
Completion is a process of letting go of the judgments you may hold, the negative feelings, the disappointment, the unmet expectations, ... the illusions you may have had. There is no value in carrying past upset with you any more. You can find a way to let go of it, get past it, or no longer live your life from there.
Completion means no longer living in a place of reactiveness to others. It means not having your present state of mind, feelings, and inner experience be merely a product of what you experienced with someone in the past. It is being here, now, and acting from your own center, from your own true self. And, this does not depend upon anyone accepting you, approving of you, or coming into agreement with you. It is something you can do from your side, regardless.
There isn't any relationship you have ever had, or will ever have, that could not benefit from your moving closer to a place of truth, love, and simplicity within you. Learn what it means to be that way with your self, and others.
Lesson 4: More successful relationships
part 1
The fundamentals of relationships are: love, truth, and simplicity. These qualities are fundamentally empowering to you, both in relation to others and your self.
Additional qualities which work in relationships include honesty, trust, integrity, nonviolence, respect, commitment, responsibility, and faithfulness.
part 2
When you think about what people call "love," you realize that love doesn't have a whole lot to do with it. People feel "good," loving things that are not good for them at all. So, what are they feeling, if not "love"?
They may be feeling a kind of magnetic pull, social conditioning, desire, fantasy, imagination, illusion, delusion, fascination, obsession, seduction, excitement, emotionalism, pleasure, active hormones, sexuality, romance, infatuation, attraction, comfort, acceptance, lust, egotism, possessiveness, control, or loss of control. All of this is mistakenly interpreted as "love" by almost everyone.
Love is a quality of your inner being, a feeling of wholeness and aliveness, a sense of completeness, a feeling that you have found what you are looking for within you. It is the sense of goodness you have within you, which seeks positive expression. And it is the appreciation of these qualities in another person, as well.
part 3
There are many things we may seek in relation to others, ranging from things that are least true to who we truly are — such as the pressure to have a sexual relationship, regardless of our long-term interest in someone — to the things that are most true to who we are, such as long-term love, support, sharing, and growth to be more than we are.
The most important aspect of all relationships is what is happening on the subtle inner level, not the gross outer level. The grossest level is physical or sexual. More subtle and of greater impact than the physical level is the emotional and mental level. Finally, there is the most subtle level of all, the spiritual level.
part 4
Relating successfully means choosing love, being in love, staying in love, and growing in love, within your own self. If you prefer not to use the term "love" in characterizing relationships with others, think in terms of uplifting and progressive interaction, with a creative, productive, corrective flow of energy.
The ways of relating which you have already learned in life come from others' examples, and are probably no more workable for you than they have been for them. Conditioned patterns of relating fail to keep relationships progressing; they ultimately produce greater conflict, separation, and less love in you.
Reactive relationships are the least workable, least enjoyable, least rewarding, and least loving relationships.
When you have not learned an effective way to heal the emotional needs or hurts which come up in relationships, you function this way by default. You lose your own center — love — while reacting to other people's behavior. You then experience varying degrees of frustration, misery, disharmony, and upset in you.
part 5
When you know how to heal your emotional needs or hurts, you can face the issues, clear your feelings, release the emotional upset, and find a common level of harmony, healing, and satisfaction. This takes love and understanding.
What may happen in time, in this cyclical mode, is that you may feel that you are just going round and round in your relationship. Emotions flare up and recede, over and over. Over time, your conflict may get progressively worse, if you develop the habit of emotional upset, arguing, fighting, and resentment.
part 6
The most successful, healing, creative, and enjoyable way of relating must be learned. It goes against most people's past experience, conditioned forms of relating, present habits or expectations. The very idea of not fighting or suffering emotional and mental abuse or anguish, may appear "idealistic."
In the progressive way of relating, you practice cooperation and healing. You learn to gain greater progress and more loving cooperation, and heal your deeper needs — without fighting. You just don't invite conflict, enjoy conflict, or waste time or energy in self-destructive conflict. This is a choice you make.
Most conflict occurs between competing egos, not true selves. To the extent that you can get your ego, pride, emotion, and past programming out of the cycle, you can bypass a lot of unnecessary pain, suffering, and unloving behavior.
Of course, nothing here is intended to suggest that it is possible to make any and every relationship work. There are many exploitive and abusive relationships which need to come apart. But, it may be possible to overcome the unproductive habit of fighting in an otherwise truly loving and progressive relationship.
part 7
True intimacy is more than just affection or appreciation of another; it is a deeper process of opening up and culturing of the heart, which leads you to greater love in you. Intimacy must come from real love, and grow with love. It takes time to develop the friendship, trust, and respect essential to intimacy.
Intimacy can bring up fear of rejection; it hurts to have your true inner self or your love rejected. You can only open yourself up to someone when there is safety and trust, not selfish interest. Love and openness of the heart does not mean letting yourself be used, abused, taken advantage of, or emotionally exploited.
Trust comes only over time; and, it takes time to know what someone's true motives are in relation to you.
part 8
Very often (more often then you may care to think), marriage is really "mirage," and it fails to work for the same reasons that a mirage in the desert never helped anyone. When a person is very needy (sometimes desperate) for something, they imagine that they can see it or almost feel it — whether water or "love."
Marriage is often entered into as a result of: cultural programming, emotion, ego, pride, selfishness, appearances, monetary considerations, convenience, social or parental or peer pressure, pregnancy, parental abuse, the promise of available sex, or the conditioning to have children and feel "worthwhile."
Can you see how all of these influences lead to marriage for the wrong reasons?
A marriage for the wrong reasons will often stay together for the wrong reasons or come apart for almost any reason. When it stays together, growth is unlikely. Marriages entered into due to false programming, emotion, and ego can become enormously exploitive, abusive, or violent — and that may even be accepted.
Ego keeps people from ever making right choices. In fact, many people feel more "deserving" of love the more selfish they have learned to be. They may even feel that they can't "get" enough from others, that it's hard to find someone to take care of them and their "needs" the way they deserve. Without love, they only seek to succor their own ego, or hope to "fill" themselves with someone else's love. This doesn't work. It is marriage in name only, not substance.
Marriage is a real opportunity to learn loving cooperation, based upon unity, harmony, oneness of being, and true love — which are all the same thing. You can learn how to get past conflict, heal deeper needs, and get back to the love in you. Learn to work as one, on the same team, coming from the same place.
part 9
Almost everyone has very real problems with sex, none of which is as superficial and meaningless as the quality or quantity of pleasure derived. Sex is one of the greatest sources of confusion in relationships — and in one's self.
Sex is very often used to cover up weakness and failing, and all of the guilt, lack, hurt, hate, and trauma you may have inside you, with false "loving" reassurance. Sex is one of the most powerful ways of renewing the ego, the "non-you" in you; you imagine how wonderful and "good" you are, while preserving what is wrong in you. In fact, many people are obsessed with sex, even in their 70s and 80s, because they remain so empty and devoid of love, and they still have the illusion that sex will make them "better." Such illusions about sex are carried to the grave.
There is a great difference between true love and sex; one is essentially healing — a solution to problems — while the other is mainly a source of problems, and often the opposite of healing.
This is what sex is most often used for, to lose ourselves in it, like drugs, alcohol, anything which "takes our pain away" — the pain of the emptiness within us, the lack, the hurt, the fear, the loss of self. It provides the same false ego illusions and escape from true change and growth as any addiction.
part 10
Many people are committed to ego illusions. The ego places emphasis on whatever feels "good." This produces false attachments, not true commitments.
If you imagine that you get what you need from others — anyone else — it is possible for you to imagine that you can get more of what you need, from someone else. Until you realize that what you are looking for — love, peace, joy, respect, or acceptance — needs to be found within you, you will mistakenly believe you can only get it from others. And you will go looking for a better "source." This is very self-deceptive and destructive of relationships. Realize, if you tend to think this way, you are pursuing illusions of having what you want, and will not likely find it elsewhere.
Commitment and faithfulness are basically commitments to your self, to honoring what is right, good, and true, and holding to it.
Lesson 5: Relationship problems
part 1
Relationships are, literally, the way you live with the choices you make. You can see the quality of the choices you have made — and continue to make — in the quality of your relationships.
Relationships are, largely, a means by which we are conditioned and programmed, and subsequently act out that conditioning. Thus, relationships are often the domain of emotion, ego, conditioning and programming — not true love. They are often a means for playing out the wrong influences, the wrong behavior, and for becoming further and further removed from true love in your own inner being. In wrong relationships there is a continual reinforcement of emotion and erroneous programming as to what love is — until you become aware of the false conditioning and learn to break the pattern. Emotional addiction and addictive relationships are "learned" while young, but are often carried through life. They are the basis of terribly unloving relationships.
part 2
Some difficulties you may have with others originate with the other person, and some may originate with you. Notice how you still feel upset whether it is the other person or you who may be the source of the problem. What most people do is to simply blame the other person for whatever problems they are experiencing with them. You have to be very aware in relationships. It is often a mistake to try to "fix" problems on your end which actually have their origin in the other person; and, it is equally unworkable to deny problems which originate within you, when that is the case. You need to look deeply into the nature of problems.
part 3
You are either aware of and acknowledge problems in a relationship, or you deny them (or go looking elsewhere for a "better" illusion). Denial only reduces your awareness, and diminishes your ability to recognize or resolve a problem.
part 4
Emotion is a poor substitute for true awareness and the quiet centeredness necessary to know the truth within you. Emotions can't help you to realize your potential, direct your life, or even make a true decision.
part 5
Emotional addiction is the basis of addictive relationships, or ones with undue emotional dependency, emotional reactiveness, or emotional upset or drama — none of which is necessary.
People often lose themselves in their relationships as a way of not facing themselves or their own problems.
It is essential to truly get out of the trap, and not go from one emotionally addictive relationship to another — imagining that you are leaving all your problems behind when you leave the relationship. Do not merely change the allegiance of your emotions, or transfer your emotional attachments to someone or something that makes you feel "better." You can only love others, and your self — and do what is right — when you are emotionally unaddicted and emotionally unattached. Overcoming emotion itself is the key.
part 6
The key to recognizing and overcoming emotional addiction, emotional traps, and emotionally addictive relationships is to learn to be aware. Awareness and emotion are very different; and it is much better to come back to true awareness in your self by forsaking emotion than it is to lose your self in emotion.
part 7
Emotions are a complex mechanism of reaction which manifest effects on the feeling, thinking, physical and behavioral levels. The effect is always that of draining energy, reducing awareness, triggering habitual reactions, and blocking the resolution of a problem. Emotion, very simply, is the energy of the problem, not part of the solution.
part 8
As you learn to let go of emotional reactions, you will simply be more authentically you.
True love requires purity of intention. In your heart, you have to love what is right and good and true more than anything, and let that love be your guide.
part 9
It isn't so much that love goes away, as it is not acknowledged. Love, honesty, kindness, respect, and appreciation should not disappear in a relationship. They can grow. And the time to realize this is now. Always "now." Not on some special occasion in the future, not when the mood is right or you can make time. Now.
What is missing in relationships is not more or better fantasies and illusions, but more real and true love, honesty, truth, caring, respect, and appreciation. You have to appreciate what is real in someone — including your self — more than you value illusions. Look more deeply than that.
part 10
Any past relationship in which you did not acknowledge or clear upset feelings, or realize your true feelings, remains incomplete. You carry it, and these feelings, around with you still. Those feelings may continue to, in a very real way, influence your life — and may even govern your present relationships.
The emotional reactiveness you may experience in your present relationships with those who are closest to you, generally comes from past relationships. It is a way of reacting that you "learned" in the past. Over time, a pattern of reacting becomes conditioned, habitual, and unthinking. You generally become unaware of its origins in the past, and believe that your emotional reactions in present relationships are due solely to causes in your present relationships. But, this is often not the case.
Resentment is a mechanism which transfers upset feelings and self-defeating behavior patterns from one relationship to another. This keeps you re-acting out the past. Such strong upset feelings will not go away, or be released, until you stop resenting.
Lesson 6: Understanding needs
part 1
People who do not "need" people are the luckiest people of them all. Understand, the greater your neediness, the more you have been internally weakened and then outwardly programmed by your society. Emotional neediness is a recipe for disaster in relationships, because the other person cannot give you what you cannot find in your own self. No one can.
Emotional neediness is not a true need. Neither is the perpetuation of our programming, social conditioning, or unawareness.
part 2
The greatest needs, the highest needs we have as human beings, are for growth, realization, and transcendence — including spiritually.
If you ever wonder why your relationships do not take you higher, or why you get bored, or why you seem to be stuck on the same level, now you know why. And you know why you have a need to reach for something more, something higher, in you and in others. That is what relationships are really all about.
part 3
Most of us did not have our needs entirely met right from the start, and continue to seek to meet those needs, today. We will continue to refer to the origins of our needs, to help understand the dynamics of relationships — and what we are all looking for, what we feel we need.
part 4
All our lives we seek ways to move through our experience, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. If we are not moving, learning, growing, integrating, or transcending, we are not really living. In some ways, the way we move through the world is directly related to the way we move in and with our bodies, how conscious we are of our movement, and how free we are to move.
All of this we bring into relationship with others. We have learned a way of being, and a way of moving or acting from there. Most often it is not a true way of being — we act from a place other than our true self, our center, our inner being. We act as who we are not, and others learn to relate to us as who we are not. And, this expectation we create in others — to see us as something we are not, to cater to our ego or emotion or erroneous needs — keeps us from satisfying our real needs, our deeper needs.
The great need is to be who we truly are, and to live from there. We need to find and experience a place within our selves where we can stand and move and be in relation to others. And we need to be genuine in our movement and authentic in our selves. That is, ultimately, all we have to offer to others. Personal growth and transcendence is a process of moving freely — out of who we once might have thought we were, into who we truly are. That is something we need to do not only for our own sake, but in support of others being who they truly are and having what they really need, as well.
part 5
The first thing to know about sex is that it is not a real physical need. You need food, nourishment, water, air, and physical safety. You do not need sex. It just feels that way. Most often, no matter what we may tell ourselves, or our partners, sex is not really just about "love." It is not so much a wanting to give as it is a desperation to get, to get something from someone that will make us feel "more." In other words, sexual activity often comes from a place of lack within us — and it is this lack which needs to be resolved, rather than "filled" with sex. Sex is, clearly, only a temporary "fix" for a need which cannot be satisfied, though we might try to do so over and over, throughout our lives.
For some people, sex is not about sex. It is about other forms of physical stimulation, seduction, power, fantasy, or desire which is not simply having sex. For others, sex is not about sex either: it is about a greater spiritual connection, transcending the physical or one's own needs or desires — it is not at all about fantasies but a greater reality and connectedness. And then, for some people, sex is just about sex.
part 6
From birth, our true self is nurtured or not. If not, then something else is formed in us, and nurtured. It is a place of lack, a place that is not used to getting the deeper nourishment, and which is trained to go looking for nurturing in all the wrong places.
There is a reason why sexual relations have become separate from love. They are engaged in as acts of physical release which have nothing at all to do with the expression of real love. And those who feel so pressured, invalidated, or marginalized by the society in which they were raised see no association between physical pleasure, nurturing, and love. Their relationships reflect this.
part 7
There is an inherent opposition between socialization — how society decides who and how we should be — and individuation, who we find ourselves to be. This distinction has grown a lot, especially in modern times. The increasing pace of life, with technology driving the direction in which our entire society is moving, causes many people to lose touch with who they are.
It is of value to have someone acknowledge you — or love you — not to replace your own inner validation, but to simply confirm it. The problem we get into is when we do not bother to seek internal validation for who we are, but instead seek others to approve of us and accept us. That erroneous behavior does not satisfy our true need, and as a result we find that we cannot get enough of such approval. It does not fix the lack we feel. And, it causes us to adapt our behavior so as to meet the approval of others. This is a compromise we do not need to make.
The basic principle for relating with others is: what do you have to give? How can you be true to who you are, and simply share that with others? If you want to know how best to interact with others — whether it is one person, your society, or your world — the criteria is the same in every case, in every instance: be who you are, know who you are on a deeper level of being, and do not compromise your self or what is right, good, or true to you.
part 8
If you wish to change the world, and everything and everyone in it, to suit you, to meet your expectations or demands, to satisfy your desires, you are missing the point entirely. Relationships are an opportunity to step out of that egotistical, selfish, immature, unsatisfying place, and come more into a place of authentic self, giving kindness, maturity, and self-satisfaction.
You may come to realize, either through understanding or experience, that you cannot fulfill yourself by satisfying desires. Desires are not real needs.
We spend our lives pursuing illusions, illusions of what we need, illusory desires, fantasies, and ways of relating that cater to a place of lack in us — ego and emotion and selfishness — rather than being true to who we are, or to others, what we really need, or what others truly need.
part 9
What we really mean by "growth" is: movement towards something greater. It is not so much that we grow, in ourselves, or in relation to others; but, rather, we move towards a greater sense of wholeness, integration, validation, appreciation, and acceptance of something more.
This movement is central to life, and relationships.
Growth is a real need.
We "grow" from inside ourselves, in the direction of what is more right, good, and true for us. That is the only direction in which we can grow. Anything else is not real "growth." So, we cannot "grow" to be like someone else, if it compromises who we truly are. We cannot "grow" to love someone who is not loving to us, imagining that our love will fill them and meet their needs, and make them love us. That simply does not work; yet people spend their whole lives trying to do just that.
part 10
What anyone needs from you is for you to be your self, who you truly are. They don't need you to act, to pretend, to play a role, to cater to ego, to play out their fantasies. They need you to be real, and to simply be who you are.
This is so unlike the message that you get from all the media. The media are endlessly selling you on the idea that you need to be something other than who you are; you need their fashions, their style, their slang, their objects of desire, their sexual interpretation of everything, their materialistic cravings, their hungers and desires and expectations. All of that may be what society is selling you, but you need not buy it.
And, you need not sell it to anyone else, in the marketplace of life.
You need to transcend the relentless pressures to be what society wants you to be (which most often means being in debt, having things you don't really need, and not having what you do need). That is how you simply be you. Then, and only then, do you have an authentic self to offer to share with others.
part 11
The only place to act from, which is true to who we are, is our center, our quiet inner being. Not what authorities, peers, teachers, preachers, family, friends, culture, or tradition says we can do or should be. That is how to be in right relationship to your self and others.
Unless you do that — find and act from your own center — you will not truly value anything outside you, or see its true value in relation to you. You are not here to settle, to compromise yourself, to sell out, to meet the lowered expectations of others or your society. You are here to rise far above all of that, to value the highest, to know your self as so much more. You owe it to yourself, to seek the highest first, not last.
Lesson 7: Overcoming limiting patterns
part 1
The most basic thing we bring into all relationships with others is our relationship with our self. To the extent that isn't working for you, relationships with others won't work well either. Being aware of what you carry with you, and choosing to not have it negatively affect your relationships, is being responsible and considerate to whoever you may relate to. This is very different from merely declaring "take me as I am" — which is what most people do in relationships. People tend to find someone "special" who does not see, challenge, or bring any attention to their faults or weaknesses.
Here is a good way to think of your "weaknesses": not as weaknesses but as a way for you to learn, grow, and experience something more, something better. They are areas where you have a clear potential for being better, doing better, and being more fulfilled. And, it is better to deal with them than to try to ignore them, or else they limit you and your relationships.
Whatever has happened, whatever the cause, it is possible to move on from there. It is a choice you can make. And you can learn how.
part 2
The first thing to know about limiting behaviors is that they really are self-destructive. They may be common or accepted in society (or in your own life), but that doesn't make them any less destructive. We mention this, even if you already know it, because a pattern of self-destructive behavior usually has an element of denial: you may tell your self it isn't that bad, or that it isn't bad at all, rather than telling yourself the truth. It isn't just you. Our society basically lives in denial — if you have a limiting pattern of behavior, you should know that you aren't reacting any differently than anyone else with the same pattern.
Self-awareness, being aware of your inner reality, is the opposite of denial. If you have any tendency to not want to deal with problems or the things that trouble you, you are probably making your self less aware. By being less aware, you may feel less hurt or upset or wrong. But, you also become less aware of how destructive the masking behavior may be. In other words, you make it "okay" in your mind, and perhaps, "enjoy" overeating, smoking, drinking, gambling, shopping, and so on. You cope, rather than getting free from what oppresses you.
This is how patterns of self-limiting or self-destructive behavior grow, until they become entirely habitual, conditioned, programmed into us. Then, we may not even question them, their effects on us, or whether they ought to be there in the first place.
This is a chance to come back to your real self and go beyond past limitations.
part 3
Truth, love, purpose, goodness, creativity, peace, happiness, value, and meaning come from within. They are natural expressions of who we really are.
When we do not experience these qualities fully, it means that there is something blocking their experience within us. The two factors which do this are: belief and emotion. In our lives we take on limiting beliefs about ourselves, our worth, our potential, our capacity to experience fulfillment. Limiting beliefs tend to be self-negating.
What anchors these limiting beliefs are emotions, especially suppressed emotions. Our self-negating beliefs and our emotional reactions tend to "validate" each other. In the process, what gets invalidated is you.
The more you suppress your emotions, or, the more emotionally reactive you are, the stronger emotions become. You need to find the midpoint, the balance point. That balance point is, not unexpectedly, your own center. When you are centered, calm, not emotionally reactive, you notice thoughts and feelings and let them pass from you. You observe them, they impart their message, and they pass. This is as it should be.
This is a very simple form of emotional responsibility, but it is very powerful. It is owning your emotions, your emotional reactions, and the choices you make regarding them. If you have never learned to do this before, you may notice that it feels as though you are in control of your emotions for the first time, rather than their being in control of you.
part 4
Resentment anchors many self-limiting and self-destructive patterns of behavior. It is, in many ways, the opposite of emotional responsibility. Emotional responsibility is about handling your emotions in the present moment, when they present themselves, to give them space to be heard and felt — and then leave. Resentment is choosing to not let them leave. It is choosing to so totally believe your emotions and limiting beliefs, that you refuse to let go of them.
If you have a habitual, limiting pattern, you will overeat, drink, use drugs, shop, smoke, or whatever, when something is upsetting you. You haven't learned how to deal with upset in the right way. We are never taught this in all of our "education." We are never taught how to respond to what is troubling us in the right way. Instead, we respond to what is wrong in the wrong way, in a way that defeats us or does not truly work for us. There is a better way.
Assume that you get upset. What if you got upset but didn't hold on to it, and learned how to let it pass from you? What if you didn't try to rationalize, justify, excuse, or validate your upset? You would find that you no longer perpetuated it. You'd get over it.
The first thing you need to know is that it does not work for you to hold on to resentment, and it does work for you to let go of it. If you have never learned this before, you may find that you are able to get free of things that have held you in their tight grip for the longest time.
The simplest way to let go of resentment is to learn the process of getting centered and staying centered. Realize, the idea is not to suppress your strong feelings or thoughts, but to find that place of calm, centeredness, and balance within you — from which you can be aware of, notice, watch, feel, and let go of thoughts and feelings that come up. You give them a space to come up and leave — without attaching your self to them, without believing in them, without trying to prove or justify or rationalize or excuse or explain anything. You just sit, as you would at a movie, and see and feel what comes up, and let it pass from you. Do not hold on to it.
part 5
You may have a junk food addiction, or a coffee, cola, chocolate, or sugar addiction, which can be damaging your personal health. You might have a shopping addiction, or a gambling addiction, and compulsively get rid of money. Romance novels, sex, and violence can be very addicting and supportive of fantasies.
You could even be addicted to watching TV, spending your life, wasting your life, addicted to it. Even if it's "free," you are still paying the price. You aren't abusing your self any less if the monetary cost is low — or if you tell yourself that it is good for you. Almost all addicts believe that lie.
Addictions feed illusions; so, you may enjoy your habit, and think it is okay. You may have a work addiction or feel compelled to do things to "perfection." Such behavior patterns can lead to divorce, or hurt or neglect your family.
It doesn't matter what you are addicted to; the very act of addiction is what diminishes you.
part 6
In an addiction (and dependence is the first stage of an addiction), there is a lack which is felt deep inside, which you may attempt to relieve or escape from by using drugs or alcohol. What happens is that you escape from your real self into non-self, from reality into illusion, or from illusion to a greater illusion.
Do you use alcohol or drugs? Perhaps you feel strong or confident, or have a feeling of pride or control, when you use drugs or alcohol. Maybe you feel that it will add something to your life, that it will make you "more," or ease the pain of feeling you are "less" than you could be — or because you resent what you have become.
There is so much negativity, emotion, egotism, and programming bombarding you from the moment you are born, that it is hard to resist it all. Many people give in to it. The alternative is to learn to overcome negative programming, by a process of breaking free from the deceptions and illusions that bind you.
The illusion of addiction is that you are getting free, while you are really getting enslaved; rising above the problem, while the problem is really burying you. You don't always see this because your awareness is drastically reduced and entrapped by using drugs or alcohol — or maybe you just don't want to see.
It takes a great deal of courage to admit that this is so, and secondly to do something about it. You have to get rid of the self-negating programming, emotional reactiveness, resentment and weakness which lock you into addictiveness.
part 7
If resentment is a choice to hold on to the hurts and pain that others may have caused you in the past — because you have every reason to — then forgiveness is a choice to let go of them, even though you have no reason to.
We will give you a reason to forgive: forgiveness sets you free.
Forgiving is simply saying to yourself, "I choose to release myself from this hurt. I choose to let go of my hurtful reaction. I choose to be free."
What you forgive, what you cannot let go of, is your own hurt. You may choose to think of yourself as so totally wronged that you deserve to have that hurt. And no one can tell you otherwise. But, if you think about it, isn't that self-defeating? Even if they are no longer there, you keep doing it to yourself, hurting yourself by holding on to your hurt.
Finally, you need to actually forgive yourself for things in your own life, things you might regret, mistakes, hurts you may have caused others, whether you knew better or not.
If there is anything that you cannot forgive, anything that you just can't let go of, realize that it is worth your while to learn how to let go of it. Holding on to what hurts you, only hurts you more.
part 8
Whatever robs you of your freedom, or the ability to be wholly and truly your self, can be found within you — it is not outside you. It is in you. And, so, you have the power to change it.
Freedom exemplifies the choice to overcome what oppresses you, to find a way to be true to your self, without undue compromise.
part 9
Abuse is a violation and diminishing of the self. It reduces our sense of self, our sense of self-worth, our finer feelings, our personal power, and, sometimes, our capacity to love.
part 10
As you release your self from past conditioning and programming, your life is more determined by you in the present moment and less determined by past habit patterns. Your relationship with your self and others is more progressive, and true to your self. And, you become more whole, inside.
Lesson 8: Issues and answers
part 1
Relationships can be conscious or unconscious; that means we can be aware or what's happening, or not. The less conscious we are of our interactions with others, the effect we have on them or they have on us — what's really going on — the more likely we are to have relationships go bad. Too often, we get used to being with others in a habitual way, without much real attention, care, nurturing, love, respect, or appreciation. Instead of interacting in a mutually uplifting way, people often learn to put up with unloving behavior, lack of appreciation, disrespect, and hurt.
It's not supposed to be that way.
The way someone relates to you may have very little to do with who you really are. They may relate to you based upon their initial impression — which takes literally two seconds to form — your appearance, height, posture, shape, clothing, smile, attitude, emotions, sexuality, age, or energy. Such impressions may have almost nothing to do with who you truly are — or feel yourself to be — as a person. Yet, relationships are often decided in those first few seconds. That is how deep our store of impressions is. We literally store away all the impressions that others have made upon us, emotionally, psychologically, physically, sexually, and so on. Then when we see others, we don't see who they truly are, but rather "see" the storehouse of impressions and interpretations we have filed away within us.
The better way to relate to others is to learn to be aware, truly aware, in the present moment.
part 2
Usually, the less attention you give to a problem, the more it tends to remain as it is, rather than going away. Certainly, if we all tried to ignore everyone else's problems, very few of our common problems would ever be resolved.
Take ownership of problems, and you will learn to solve them. Ignore them, or imagine that they are always "the other person's" problem, and problems tend to grow.
part 3
Look at other people you see in daily life. See if you can identify what is in the way of their having what they want or need, especially in relation to other people. Have they lost sight of what is right, good, or true to them? Are they looking for something from another person that they are not giving themselves or finding in themselves?
Happiness, peace, and joy are what remain with you when the illusions, fantasies, and distractions of the world no longer seduce you or draw you out of your true inner self.
part 4
We need to question what is normal, why it has become normal, or what is imagined to be of value in it. The fact that some form of behavior overtakes our society does not prove that it is of some greater value; rather, the opposite is often the case. Society tends to encourage personal dysfunction, unworkable relationships, unfulfilling work, addictiveness, ego, sexuality, materialism, and lack of self.
"Normal" is merely an indication that there are a number of other people who have the same behavior; it is not an assessment of morality. Very often, the majority think, believe, or do things that have very little to do with what is right, good, or true. The majority is not always right; neither is any current idea of what is "normal."
We are losing sight of how to be with others — and our selves — without hurt and pain, upset and separation. And that is not a good thing. In this vacuum, all sorts of behavior arises to satisfy the most delusive fantasies and desires. It is always a better choice to listen to your own inner conscience, what is right, good, and true, rather than being entirely shaped by your social conditioning, the desire to fit in or be accepted by others, or the programming to accept popular illusions about what has value.
part 5
How do friendships, relationships, and marriages that seem so promising turn out so badly? Where does all the pain and hurt come from? Is there a way to keep things from going badly?
The signs that something is "wrong" are there right from the start. Are you trying to act as someone you are not, to impress another person? Are you being egotistical, self-centered, or insensitive? Are you concerned with meeting your own "needs," without any regard for the other person? Are you looking for someone who will see no wrong in you, who will help to prop up your ego or illusions? Are you only comfortable with someone who has the same social conditioning or programming as you? If any of these is the case, then you may be setting yourself up for a relationship which does not have any space for growth. You may find that you "grow apart," or that you do not grow or learn or progress or become a better person.
Learn what it means to be there for another person, as well as what it means to simply be there for your self.
part 6
These days, people seem to continually lower their standards or expectations of relationship partners, to the point where they have multiple partners and no respect or real love for any one. And the ones they are with either accept that or are kept ignorant of what is really happening.
The best way to heal a relationship is to routinely do "preventative maintenance." Before things get out of hand, deal with the things that come up, whether little or large issues. You have to spend the time and energy to work through things; problems generally do not resolve themselves on their own. If there is any upset, give it the space to be heard, and released, and dealt with. The littlest problems tend to grow over time; the smallest pressures tend to build. You don't want to wait until things are so grossly out of alignment, or ready to explode, before dealing with them. You wouldn't do that with your car, so why would you do that with another person who you love and respect, who matters to you?
part 7
Understand the needs (and desires) that you and other people are seeking to satisfy, recognize the misperceptions, judgments, illusions, programming, and conditioning that people have — which come between you and them — and you have an idea why they act towards you the way they do. It often has very little to do with you.
It is possible to extend this understanding to practically all behavior of all persons you meet, interact with, or have a relationship with: their anger, upset, pleasure, fear, guilt, or happiness is basically about them, not you. Similarly, the judgments people make about others say more about themselves than those they are judging.
part 8
Some people spend their lives seeking relationships based upon illusions: they don't want to be with a sweetly innocent person, they want to be with a person who acts like some fantasy they have. They don't want to be with a "nice" person, who they see as being "boring." So, in their quest for fantasy, illusion, and satisfaction of desire, they seek what cannot prove to be lasting or fulfilling in the long term.
Some people imagine this is a worthwhile trade: satisfying desires and illusions now, rather than having long-term happiness. Realize, these are not the same thing; they are almost entirely opposite to each other.
You can meet the right person for you anywhere, by learning what it means to be authentic, being that way your self, and recognizing that quality in another person. You can learn to live that way.
part 9
Nothing lasts forever. Some relationships can last a lifetime; most do not. Most have a definite start and end point.
Too often we merely blame the other person for not meeting our needs. We refuse to look more deeply into ourselves, to see what we could have done differently — or need to do differently in the future. And that is a recipe for creating the same old relationship experience once again. Ask yourself, do you have the courage to change, to be more cognizant of the lacks you may feel within you, and do something about that? If you couldn't or wouldn't do that in a previous relationship what would give you the expectation that you will do that in your next relationship?
If you are going to be starting over, beginnings are a good time to get things right. Take time to look at yourself before you look at others; see what you really want, what you need, what you fantasize about. And get real. It is all too easy to trade a real relationship — which takes work — for a fantasy that takes no work at all.
How do you feel about yourself, when a relationship ends? That is precisely what you bring into your next relationship.
Lesson 9: Lasting relationships
part 1
Your sense of who you are, and your sense of worth, largely determines the relationships you have with others. Without a true sense of who you are, on a deeper level, or true self-respect, it can be difficult to find someone who respects and loves you — who you really are — on a deeper level, either.
Being in a relationship with someone does not mean losing your self. It does not mean giving up your hopes and dreams. It does not mean ignoring your spiritual worth or growth because of lesser "needs." It does not mean catering to feelings of lack of worth. If you want to demand more of your relationships, demand more of your self; you may find that you need to change your relationships, especially your relationship with your self, before you meet with simple honesty, love, respect, and spiritual recognition. You need to have that relationship with your self, first.
You really don't want to have a lasting relationship in which you are not being true to your self. But don't use that as an excuse to have meaningless relationships in the interim, while you "wait" for the one you want. A pattern of settling for less, and compromising yourself, is very hard to get out of. You may find that you are comfortable settling for less, and rationalize that, choose it, and accept it. It becomes your programming, your pattern. That is the problem, not the solution. You are worth more than that. Make that better choice, daily, and you will find what you really want, a lot sooner.
part 2
A spiritual relationship is very simply one which takes you higher, in terms of who you truly are. It is uplifting, progressive, honest, loving, and respectful. It is an affirmation of all the good that you may come to know within you. It makes you a better person; it gives you hope and sustenance, joy and upliftment.
part 3
There are people in our lives with whom we have a heart connection. We can feel it. There is some inner appreciation, love, respect, acknowledgment, resonance, and uplfitment in their presence. It is as if they support, encourage, or nurture the best in us. We are better for knowing them or being with them. This is how it should be in a lasting relationship.
It is possible to have a heart connection with someone for perhaps a few moments or a minute. The moment feels extra-ordinary, and something in us just shines. Hopefully, we may feel this with a "special someone" we know. We just glow, and they touch our heart in some way, whether words are spoken or not. It's on a deeper level than that.
This is what it means to connect heart to heart with someone.
Connection, true connection, occurs in the heart. By heart we mean the deeper self, the inner being or soul essence, which is often felt in the general vicinity of the heart, in the center of the chest. That is where most people experience the energy of true love.
part 4
It is seldom the case that two people can experience a lot of love without other things coming up: deeper levels of sadness, hurt, fear, anger, or guilt. These may only become evident in the presence of love, in whose presence they may be released.
A relationship is a space — a psychological, emotional, spiritual, and physical space — in which you may engage with another person. A relationship is not about owning or possessing another person, or having them conform to your wishes, desires or expectations. A relationship based in love is a space for releasing all of those egotistical attitudes and illusions.
part 5
Love is not looking back, regretting what was or what isn't. It is appreciating what is. Everyone has regrets, even people who might say they would do nothing different in their lives or their relationships. We mature in our perspective, self-knowledge, awareness, and ability to choose what is "best." There is really no such thing as "best." Best is the best we are able to do at a given time; and if we fall short of what we realize is more good, right, or true, then that is called "learning." Be thankful for what you have learned, how you are more aware or able to see and make better choices, now. You are always going to learn more and have more awareness, all of the time; so, choices and actions in the past may tend to be seen as less aware. That is just the way it is. The alternative is that you don't learn anything, and are content with every choice you make, and do not learn to discern what is better. That is not a better alternative, although many people try to keep a relationship going by refusing to change, grow, or learn anything different.
part 6
Give up all of your preconceived ideas and programming and conditioning as to how you think a relationship "should" be; let go of the things which have proven to be a dead end for you, with no regret. Realize that emotion, pride, and ego can (and must) diminish in a loving relationship, as does the "need" for sex. The first step in sharing love with anyone is a process of looking deeply within your own self. See what your motives are, see if you are looking to get anything from the other person. And, see what they are looking to get from you.
Do not imagine that you can make someone who hasn't any love, love you.
Many people reject true love, corrective love, non-possessive love; they only want ego flattery or support, or someone to love the wrong in them.
part 7
In order to stay in love with another person, you have to stay in the love in you. Realize, it is not a matter of trying to stay in their love, it is a matter of learning to stay in your love.
You may find that your practice of remaining calm, clear, centered, loving, and more objective — rather than reactive on the ego-emotional level — helps others to re-connect with the love in them more quickly, when they have lost that connection.
Staying in love is a choice. It is not a matter of trying to hold on to romantic illusions of love, or some kind of excitement that has diminished. All of that is just of the ego-emotional nature, and it does tend to properly diminish as we learn to have a more deep and true love and appreciation for another person. So, staying in love is not a matter of keeping the passion and excitement alive all the time; it is a matter of simply keeping your heart open, all the time, with the other person.
part 8
True feelings are a refined awareness or discernment of truth — and the source of true feelings is within your own inner being. They can only be experienced clearly when you break through your programming and conditioning, and learn to be calm, clear, centered, and truly aware. The result of connecting with your true inner self, is perceiving the truth about your self and others much more clearly.
True feelings are not just an attitude, desire, expectation, or judgment, or a matter of bigotry, racial bias, religious preference, nationalism, prejudice, or other erroneous ego-emotional reactions and external impressions.
part 9
Give yourself a chance to see the truth of things, especially in relation to people who may come into your life.
The ultimate value, meaning, and purpose of being in relationship with anyone is to rise higher, spiritually, to experience the highest spiritual qualities of love, peace, truth, and goodness. If you have any relationships which are contrary to this, you need to reexamine them in this light.
Evil is not a tiny aberration in mankind. Many people are lacking in love, light, truth, or goodness. Psychologists tell us that there are hundreds of millions of sociopaths — who have absolutely no conscience — walking around on this earth.
You need to be aware of that, and not hold the illusion that everyone is good, or will be good to you. There are some very bad people in this world, and you need to understand that — especially if you are are good natured person.
part 10
We began the discussion of relationships by noting that we are each already in relationship with everyone and everything. It is just a matter of what we put our attention on, what we are aware of, and what we find value in. That defines the relationships we have in our lives.
There is something that guides us to the source of all that is good, loving, kind, peaceful, nurturing, wise, and supportive. We recognize that as the ultimate quality of Being. And so we recognize or seek the highest qualities of Being, in us.
The only relationship that won't go away, that will never leave you, is the one you have with the Divine in you. And it is, literally, not anyone else's business. It is completely between God and you. The more you develop your personal relationship with God, the more truth, love, peace, and goodness you will bring into relationship with everyone else.