Personal Relationships
Lesson 3: How to be with others
1. First, Do No Harm
Exercise One
2. What Are Emotions?
3. Strong Feelings
4. Clearing Your Feelings With a Loved One
5. Higher Feelings
Exercise Two
6. Communication
7. When It Is Hard to Communicate
Exercise Three
8. Disagreement and Conflict
9. A Workable Approach to Communicating
10. Compromise
11. Completing Relationships
Exercise Four
1. First, Do No Harm
First, do no harm. This is the healing oath which Western doctors take, and it should be the healing oath we affirm in all our relationships. You can also think of this as "impeccability," the choice to do no wrong, to do the best you can, to honor the truth, the highest, and let go of anything less.
"First, do no harm," is the first rule of being in relationship with anyone. Going against this higher principle can cause a great deal of suffering for you and others.
Exercise One: This is an exercise in
awareness. Allow yourself some time to be with the
following questions. Sit with them, and be aware of the
thoughts, feelings, and desires that come into your awareness.
Questions: Consider your relationship with your
self. In what ways do you compromise what you know to
be right, good, and true for you? In what ways do you not
love yourself, respect yourself, or correct yourself or your
behavior? What limiting or self-destructive patterns of
behavior do you engage in; what addictions and dependencies do
you have? How do you bring less of who you truly are to your
relationships with others?
Questions: Consider your relationships with
others. In what ways do you compromise what you know
to be right, good, and true for you? In what ways do you not
love yourself, respect yourself, or correct yourself or your
behavior? What limiting or self-destructive patterns of
behavior do you engage in; what addictions and dependencies do
you have? How do you bring less of who you truly are to your
relationships with others?
Can you see how these two areas of experience — the inner relationship with yourself and the outer relationship with others — seem to go along with each other? Another way of looking at this, is that your outer relationships tend to demonstrate or "prove" your relationship with yourself. However you are to your self, whatever abuse or hurt you feel is "justified," within you, you may allow others to do to you. And, until you heal or release your self from such behavior, you inevitably bring it into relationships with others.
Limiting and self-destructive patterns of behavior are conditioned; they exist on a deeper level. We don't have to think about them, or be aware of them — and often we are not — in order to act them out in our lives. Sooner or later, the circumstances of our lives and our present relationships manifest these patterns. For example, in marriage we are often attracted to someone who accepts us as we are, and who sees little if anything wrong with us. Later on, however, we find that unresolved issues from the past seem to play out in our current relationship: issues regarding abuse, judgments, lack of respect, resentments, disapproval, hurt, anger, guilt, and so on. We may find ourselves acting towards our children in the same way our parents acted towards us, even if we thought we would be different.
So, in order to "first, do no harm," it is necessary to be aware of how you are in relation to your self, be aware of what you bring to relationships with others, and take responsibility for releasing yourself from self-limiting, self-destructive, hurtful, or wrong behavior or relationships. Much of the time you can learn to get free, even within a relationship. Other times, the only thing that will work is to step out of the relationship, especially if there is any abuse or destructive behavior occurring.
When you think about it, if you really care about someone (and this includes your self), you wouldn't want to have them be negatively affected by past experiences, behaviors, or hurts — or go through pain and suffering, now. You would want to see them be free from such things. This is why it is important to get free from such things as best you can, rather than act them out in innumerable relationship problems, which bring more suffering. Wouldn't it be better to be free from all that oppresses you, all that brings you down, and move towards more and more peace, joy, and love? This is a choice you make.
First, do not harm. Learn what this means, and learn how to do it.
2. What Are Emotions?
Emotions are feelings; you can be aware of them without having to act on them. Awareness of your feelings is an important part of your relationship with others and your self. Emotional clearing, or the release of upset feelings, is one of the more important healing needs which arises in relation to others, and in you. The idea is to learn to be aware of your feelings — not to act them out.
The emotions or feelings that are most important to free your self from include: anger, sadness, fear, hurt, and guilt, the so-called negative emotions. By recognizing and acknowledging such feelings, and not believing in them, you will no longer be influenced, persuaded, or controlled by them.
If you do not recognize feelings as they come up within you, you may begin acting out your emotions or become overshadowed by them. Or, you may ignore your feelings by suppressing them, causing discomfort and eventual dis-ease. There is a cycle to emotion: you may notice that what you think, or what happens in your life, seems to justify your feelings. But, you can learn to let negative feelings go, as well as thoughts or justifications for having those feelings — which tend to anchor emotions, or become self-negating patterns of behavior.
Be aware that negative reactions and behaviors are triggered emotionally. Sometimes, the things which appear to upset you, on the surface, may not be the real cause. Some emotional upset may have been stored inside, gathering energy for some time, before finally finding release in whatever circumstances foster those emotions.
Learn what it means to be aware of your self as separate from the emotion, being somehow detached from it. This is the first step in breaking any emotional activation, attachment or bond. Negative emotions have no inherent value; they only upset you and displace you from your self. You know how much better it feels to begin to separate from emotion, to look at it as if from a distance, to come back to self, as the emotion passes from you. And you learn this by practicing centering, daily.
Simply being aware of or acknowledging your emotions helps to clarify them; but it also helps them to pass from you. Remember that it is all right to be aware of emotions within you, without having to act on them in any way. This is just giving them the space to be released. See if you can learn to recognize the difference between feeling "right" (which is often ego), feeling right about expressing or acting out your emotions (which is also often ego), or having a feeling that something really is right (which is being true to your self).
True awareness sees through emotion; otherwise your thoughts follow your emotional reactions, and so may your behavior. Greater awareness produces less emotional reactiveness. In this way you may learn to control negative emotions and their effects in life. This is emotional maturity and responsibility, which works for you and in your relationships.
3. Clearing Strong Feelings
Many people carry around with them a history of emotional upset and suppressed feelings, causing them to be emotionally reactive. Such feelings are already inside, whether or not they are being acknowledged, accepted, or ignored. This is why various (sometimes minor) situations can trigger such strong emotions.
Feelings which are not cleared away as soon as they come up to awareness, are held inside. You may even expect to have upset emotions, or feel justified or "right" to have them, or not know how to release them. Just ignoring emotions, whether by choice, habit, or conditioning, overshadows the true love in you.
You can look at a person's outer appearance, posture, or facial expression and see the emotions that they carry with them, or which dominate them. Some people look afraid, angry, hurt, sad, or guilty nearly all the time. Those suppressed feelings have taken root, grown, and shaped who they feel they are. It is possible to free yourself from the affects of emotion by releasing emotion itself. We call this "emotional clearing."
The clearing process goes like this: (1) you become aware of an emotion, or you feel it; (2) you see where the emotion is directed, withdraw your attention from there, and put your awareness back on your self, within; (3) you separate your self from the emotion, which is not you; and, (4) you let go of the emotion.
As you become more proficient at the process (it takes practice), you will eventually be able to let go of an emotion as soon as you become aware of it. But, it is important to learn to go through all of the steps of the clearing process so that you do not mistakenly suppress the emotion. The idea is not to bury the emotion within you or to try to deny it, but to actually let go of the emotion and have it leave you.
When you become aware of emotions and emotional thinking as external reactions, you can let go of the external reaction and bring your awareness back to your self. You can go beyond being aware of, focused on or lost in your emotions, and come back to your true self; this is how you reconnect with the truth in you.
A "strong" emotion is sometimes easier to let go of than a more subtle and controlling one; it is easier to recognize, easier to see the uselessness of it or the damage that it does, and easier to choose to quickly dismiss it.
You will find that you are more aware in your self after you let go of erroneous emotional reactions, not while you are still subject to or lost in them. You can increase your awareness and reduce emotional "sensitivity." Always remember that thoughts shaped by emotion must be distorted in some way, and not be true to your own self. In this way, you will gain more strength and confidence in being able to let go of worthless emotions, and, instead, see the deeper truth.
The goal is to learn to be free from emotions, not to value them. They will continue to come up, but you can simply be aware of them, see what they are saying, feel them, and let them pass from you, rather than acting them out in relation to anyone else (including your self).
The deceptive nature of emotions will cause you to believe in them, shape your thinking, and control you and your behavior. You need not think of emotions as an ally, but rather as an oppressive enemy — to be eliminated. The more you value emotions, the less true awareness and true self you may experience.
The larger objective of problem solving in relationships must be to discover a greater truth. You need clarity in your awareness, in your self, to see what is right and good and true, and what is not. Solutions come from realizing a greater truth, love, or reality, and then acting from there in a balanced way. Remember, the truth is seldom ego supporting or emotionally appealing; emotions and drama are most often a way of covering up or denying the truth.
Clearing unloving feelings, which have been held in for some time, allows you to reconnect with and feel more love, peace, and harmony in your inner being. The process of clearing upset feelings often takes time. What happens is that each time you are aware of upset feelings to be released, you can only release as much as is there at the time. You will learn to more quickly let go of upset emotions, and learn to separate your self from them, over time.
4. Clearing Your Feelings With a Loved One
You can learn to clear your feelings on your own, and this is often the best choice, especially if the feelings you have don't really concern another person. But, in a relationship, emotions often come up in relation to the other person.
These emotions may be related to what is happening in the present moment with the other person, but most often are not (even if you think so). Often, they are emotions that you have carried with you, from the past (which may include earlier in the same day). Often, they are emotions that are held by you, or felt to be justified or "right." They may come up repeatedly, as part of a limiting pattern of behavior. And, last and least, they may have something to do with the other person.
In every case, the process is the same for clearing your feelings: you let go of them; you don't act them out; you don't blame the other person for your emotions or what you feel; and you don't try to justify your emotions. You let go of them.
Basically, you allow the feelings the space to be heard — without believing them, defending them, justifying them, or attacking the other person with them. You give them the space to come up and out, and let go of them. If you try to justify them, or "prove" them, you are on the wrong track. Also, the other person can be there for you, to hear what you express, but need not believe emotions either — yours or theirs, if they react emotionally. The idea is: you can be there for each other, and not have to agree or disagree, but simply hear. Just be aware and non-reactive, and the feelings will be heard and pass. Don't try to mentally score points or remember or blame or judge. Just let it go.
Learning to be centered in your self is the basis of learning to be aware, calm, clear, and connected — without being unnecessarily reactive. Both persons need to learn to do this, for themselves, as well as for each other. It takes two people to act out a pattern of behavior with each other. If one "unhooks" from the pattern, and learns to be calm, centered, and clear, the pattern of upset will diminish and pass. It only takes one person to change the dynamic, to change the relationship or the way it works.
You can accomplish this on your own, without needing to act our your feelings, or convince anyone else of anything.
It is possible to clear strong feelings with a loved one, by using their true love as a reference point (not as emotional support) for you to find your way back to the love in you. You need to completely understand the process of doing so or else you may drive them and their love away, or not accomplish anything.
"Sharing feelings" can be an emotional trap, in which feelings may become more "validated" rather than finding true release. You need to acknowledge upset feelings to release them. But, there isn't any need to dramatize them, act them out, or dump them on someone — the idea is to just release them, with love.
Realize that your feelings are your own. They are in you already; nobody else is responsible for them. Other people may bring up feelings in you, or make you aware of the feelings that you already have in you. In any case, by simply becoming more aware of feelings in you, you can take steps to release them.
The idea is not to "own" your emotions as some sort of prized possession, but to recognize that they are coming up for you — in you — and, without a doubt, they need to be released. Do you see the need to let go of upset?
In clearing your feelings you are neither seeking someone to blame nor someone to agree with you. Do not seek an ally to support you in having upset feelings, who will sympathize with you, and console you, and coddle you. That only gives you further justification for believing, having, or holding on to your feelings.
Emotional support or sympathy is a trap; it is based upon emotional love, not true love. True love means giving someone the chance to get free from their negative feelings — not supporting their emotional upset, helping them to justify their upset feelings, or emotionally reassuring them with sympathy.
Emotional love and sympathy is both unnecessary and counterproductive; it only pacifies or reinforces feelings. Real compassion is being with someone in the true spirit of love, to help them in releasing whatever upset they need to get past — to center them in themselves, not in their ego, pride, or emotions.
Helping a loved one to clear their feelings means assisting them in coming back to a place of love, truth, and simplicity in their own self — by staying in that place your self. "Sharing feelings," by mutually believing in them, means accepting and affirming the lie of emotion. Emotions are just emotions; they are not fundamental truths.
The way to clear feelings with a loved one is as follows: the person who listens must remain calm, clear, and centered in their own self; they must not become emotionally reactive to the person releasing their feelings. Their only responsibility is to remain aware and centered in their own self. That's all.
The person who is listening is there as an objective reference point, to not believe in any expressed emotions. In this way, the person who is expressing their emotions can see how to not believe in them either — and just let go of them, and come back to their own center. There must be no emotional exchange.
The person who is clearing their feelings must not try to dump their feelings onto (into) the person who is there to listen and not react emotionally. The process is simply to bring up upset feelings, to open up and clear out those feelings, and heal, with real love. There is no need to act out strong feelings.
Is it clear how the moment by moment experience needs to be one of detaching, letting go of emotions — not trying to justify them, or make them "right" or make somebody wrong, or find reasons for having your upset feelings?
If you really want to clear upset feelings, accept responsibility for them, don't put them on anyone else, and share your feelings only as they relate to you. For example, whenever you have anger or upset, you are very likely angry or upset at your own weakness. So, don't blame your feelings on anyone else.
Be sure to release — not just express — feelings you might tend to keep inside, or justify, out of resentment. Do not hold them out of resentment, ever. Whatever upset feelings you have, you haven't really cleared them unless you come back to a place of real calmness, centeredness, and love in your own self.
Finally, never feel pressured to "love" or support anyone in their wrong; you must love what is right, more. Love demands keeping integrity with your self.
5. Higher Feelings
You may notice that you have a range of feelings, from relatively high and uplifting feelings to relatively low and destructive feelings. Feelings and thoughts go together. Their effect is to either bring you up or bring you down.
Sometimes your thoughts take on the flavor of your feelings; at other times your feelings are encouraged by your thoughts. In any case, the thoughts and feelings which you carry around with you color your perceptions, and entrap, distort, or cloud over your awareness at any given moment, or continuously.
But, you need not be at the mercy of your thoughts or feelings. By virtue of your very awareness of them, and your power to choose, you have the power to elevate your experience by consciously raising the level of your thoughts and feelings. The brightest thoughts and highest feelings are available to you.
You have the ability to release your given thoughts, and to clear and elevate your feelings, rather than sink to the level of your lower feelings. The idea isn't to feel guilty about having lower feelings, but to simply recognize that, and learn to move to a higher level. This is not about suppressing lower feelings or judging yourself for having them at all.
Here is the feelings spectrum, from highest to lowest:
- reverence
- devotion
- true love
- compassion
- affection
- kindness
- courtesy
- jealousy
- fear
- sadness
- guilt
- anger
- contempt
- hate
Notice, lower feelings (the lower half of the list) are usually negative emotional reactions to things outside you. Higher feelings are more like qualities of the self; they originate within the inner self; they are not just emotional reactions to external situations.
There are a few ways you can raise the level of your awareness, and find these uplifting qualities in your self. First, you can clear any lower feelings, which will naturally create the space for these higher feelings.
Second, you can simply put your attention on a higher feeling — your very awareness will elevate you from the lower feeling. This does not mean suppressing your feelings, but rather giving your attention to higher qualities, which takes the focus off of lower emotions. This is coming back to your self.
And, third, you can practice developing and aligning yourself with the highest qualities you can rise to in any relationship situation, which will naturally cultivate a finer feeling level. This means never accepting or acting out lower feelings, but rather seeking the higher qualities in your own self.
Finally, you can instantly bring your experience up to the level of your highest thoughts and feelings, simply by choosing to. This choice requires you to give up resentment or judgment, and embrace the highest in you and others.
These feelings/qualities and related thoughts have a higher level of joy and energy, an uplifting influence, a means for elevating you above lower feelings. If you feel guilty about not experiencing this higher level of feeling, there may be some underlying resentment or conditioning which keeps you from them.
Be willing to let go of any resentment, past conditioning, or programming which is keeping you from experiencing these higher feelings in you. Choose to allow this higher quality, feeling or thought, in you — and in your relationships.
Exercise Two: Choose one of the higher qualities, on the
upper end of the scale, from courtesy to devotion. Take a
few deeper breaths, relax, and close your eyes. Think of
this quality, and let it find a place in your awareness. Put
your attention on it, gently, to stir it within you, to
experience it on a finer feeling level in your self. Allow
this higher feeling to become more real in you.
Keep your eyes closed for about a minute or so, and
continue to quietly notice, allow, or affirm this
thought/feeling, on a subtle level. Allow your inner self to
attune with the quality you chose.
(If lower feelings come up, simply be aware of them;
observe them; don't try to force them to leave. They are
already being released. Just don't mind them.) Be
gentle with yourself. When you are ready, quietly and gently
open your eyes.
What can you do to allow yourself the space to feel more of these finer qualities, in your self, and in your relationships?
Often, the grosser level of feeling, and the lower emotions, will tend to obscure the finer level of feeling, and the higher feelings. This is why it is necessary to learn to cultivate this finer feeling level, and to learn to allow the finer feelings in you to not be overshadowed by the grosser ones.
6. Communication
To communicate effectively you need to first be aware of your own true thoughts, feelings, and desires. You have to be clear as to what you are experiencing within you, to communicate it outside you. Communicating with others can be a way of further clarifying, for you, what you may be experiencing.
Telling the truth of what you are thinking, feeling, and experiencing inside — to your self — frees up your awareness and your creative energy. It opens up a natural flow of inner communication, whether or not you feel it is necessary, appropriate, or right to express those things in your outer communication.
It is very often the case, that even unspoken messages get communicated, or are acted out, in a person's behavior. That is, other people are usually sensitive to what you are telling yourself about them, and about yourself, even if you don't say anything outright. There are actually very few secrets in relating.
However, much of what is said, in both inner and outer communication, is not all that important. It is just the "rubber stamp" of past conditioning, emotion, programming, or ego "validation." Clearly, the need for communication is not to merely fill up the channels, but to share the truth. Truth communicates best.
Realize that sharing the truth, with love, is not always easy. In fact, most people have been conditioned or discouraged from doing so, from an early age. The common conditioning is: to not tell the truth because it would disturb someone; to become emotional to get a reaction; or to just deny the truth.
Loving communication is often necessarily corrective; but it is not suppressive or dominating. No emotional investment is needed or of value. In fact, the less reactive you are to the other person, the more truth or love you communicate.
Are you communicating from a place of truth, love, and simplicity in you?
True communication, very simply, contains truth — and not emotion, ego, resentment, judgment, or blame of anyone. Truth is the rarest of things in this world, a joy to the heart of those who appreciate it and a cause of great upset and denial from those who do not. But, realizing the truth leads to solutions.
Telling the whole truth relates to your willingness to hear the truth your self. This comes from connecting with your true inner self, and listening to your conscience. It is your responsibility to go beyond the surface level of agitation or upset, to realize and be able to communicate the underlying truth.
Understand, emotional upset is always an erroneous communication; it neither realizes nor demonstrates the truth. Do not "share" upset feelings you have as a means of gaining reinforcement for your position, or to validate your upset.
The whole truth includes understanding, or awareness of what is right, without any ego or emotional investment. If you blame someone else for a problem you are having, you are only telling a part of the truth, to them and to your own self.
Communication begins inside, in your own inner awareness; realize the truth inside, so that you can communicate it outside. Discriminate between your thoughts — in your inner awareness — see what is right, good, and true, what you truly wish to express. Acknowledge the truth; don't confuse it with emotion.
You need to realize what is true for you, and not doubt it — even when others disagree with you, get emotional and try to confuse you, or deny the truth. Be calm, detached, and unassuming. Tell the truth. But do not have any ego or emotional investment in the reactions of those who hear it from you. They may not want to — or be able to — "hear" it. That is their problem.
Much meaningless "communication" occurs between peers, family, and friends — as a means of avoiding deeper truths or having to face reality. Often, very intellectual talk is equally delusive, and only seeks greater ego pride. Communication occurs when two persons are receptive to each other. Ideally, it results in a meeting, a common level of experience, a communion. Honesty and mutuality of connection largely requires being true to your self — what each of you knows to be true, in your own self. Only this truth needs to be shared.
Can you see that the purpose (or effect) of a communication is either to bring you closer to the truth or to separate you from the truth, in your self?
Generally, communication comes either from the true self or the ego. The true self favors perceiving, communicating, and receiving the truth. The ego favors what is deceptive, lying, wrong, evil, emotional, abusive or selfish in intent or effect. Communication from ego seeks to invalidate or put down the true self.
The major component of disruptive, confusing, or manipulative "communication" is emotion. The person "communicating" does not even need to become emotional themselves, just as long as they get you to react emotionally. It is by this ego-emotional type of communication that others control you or your behavior. This includes family, peers, spouse, children — whoever wants power over you.
Many people, ruled by ego, have the egocentric programming to invalidate others, to deny responsibility, to deny the truth, to project their wrongs on others. They communicate to make others feel "less" or wrong, so they can feel superior or "right." They do not want to hear the truth — especially about themselves. So, don't waste your time, energy, or life trying to communicate with someone who really has no interest in hearing the truth. Don't subject your self to ego, emotion, adverse social "mingling," gossip, and other destructive programming which takes away your own awareness of the truth. Honor the truth in you.
7. When It Is Hard to Communicate
Your primary responsibility in communicating is to be aware of where you are coming from, and communicate what is true for you — your self, not the ego.
No real communication occurs via ego positioning, although an ego position or attitude "speaks for itself." If you try to communicate by talking down to or intimidating someone, or talking up to or prostrating before someone, you are putting an unnatural, unnecessary, encumbering layer of dishonesty between you.
You can watch to see that you stay honest in your communication, and come back to the true purpose of connecting and sharing. Communication that disintegrates into ego-conflict is lacking in integrity. Ego denial, or not wanting to see the truth, might tempt you to break off communication in conflict or opposition.
Be aware of where you are "coming from," and also where the other person may be "coming from." This is often unspoken, but usually gets communicated anyway by attitude, emotion, or body language; it may also be picked up intuitively.
Exercise Three: This is an exercise in
awareness. Allow yourself some time to be with the
following questions. Sit with them, and be aware of the
thoughts, feelings, and desires that come into your awareness.
Questions: Have you ever had a problem communicating with
someone? In what ways did you reach out to try to understand
where the other person was coming from? Did you acknowledge
what you understood? Did you give in to frustration, or give
up? What did it feel like in your body? What thoughts or
feelings came up?
What you want to say, what you do say, what you think you said, and what the other person thinks you said, can be completely different. This is especially so if there are any upset feelings, or if one person is confused or emotionally upset, or is trying to invalidate, confuse, emotionally upset or control the other person or their reaction. Watch out for manipulation and reactiveness.
Communicating requires staying calm, clear, and centered in your self.
If you wish to be sure that your communication is received as intended, you need to determine what the other person "heard." Many people either fail to do this, or get angry at the other person for not understanding what they said or for not acting in accordance with the message. First, make sure they get the message.
Do you have a problem getting someone to see things the way you see them, or getting them to be the way you want them to be?
If so, this isn't as much a communication problem, as it is a problem of trying to control someone. Communicating what you think, feel, or desire is not for the purpose of controlling or manipulating anyone — to enforce your will or ego.
The need to control often comes from fear, insecurity, or resentment. You cannot have everyone be in agreement with you, or approving you — or your thoughts, feelings, or desires. You can communicate what is true for you, but you can not control anyone's response. Give up resenting your inability to control them.
If there is something they need to know in their own best interest, then just bring it to their attention. Let them see the consequences of their own choices. But don't pressure them, and tempt them to rebel against your pressure — and thereby reject the truth as you see it. A person either has the ability to love and accept what is right, good, and true, or they don't. They make that choice.
Truth must be shared with no ego investment, on your part, in someone's accepting it. A person may resent your telling them things in their own best interest, if they are denying those things themselves. Also, if you do wish to share some truth, you need to be living it, or they will rebel against your hypocrisy.
8. Disagreement and Conflict
Disagreement is all right; you don't have to agree with everybody, or anybody, on everything or anything. Similarly, they don't have to agree with you. Any need to have someone agree with you probably comes from your own insecurities.
Realize, even if you are right, many people are programmed to reject the truth, to be skeptical, to frustrate you, and/or make you emotional — this is how they avoid the truth. Don't doubt your self or what you know to be right because others do not agree. But do not stubbornly hold to untenable positions, either. In some cases, you may be the one who is unable to break free to see the truth.
Do not resent those who disagree with you or who do not accept your position — that can cause you to doubt your self; it can also make you more emotional and less connected with the truth in you. This often grows into disconnection, lack of communication, opposition, resistance, and conflict.
If either person doesn't know how to handle or clear their own feelings, they will usually blame them on the other person. Learn to clear your own feelings; if the other person does not know how to handle their feelings, or won't learn, then you need to handle your feelings about that, too. Stay calm and centered.
If they get upset when you say something, you may be communicating a message of blame or resentment, "making them wrong" in some way, or judging them. On the other hand, they may in fact be wrong and not want to admit it. This can be communicated with truth, love, compassion, and respect, self to self.
Blame only causes more resentment, and it is this resentment that is acted out in fighting. You need to give up resenting the other person, completely, or your resentment of them will always be part of what you communicate to them and they communicate to you. Real communication will be absent from the relationship.
As long as you accept conflict and fighting as a part of relationships, you will only act them out while "communicating." There is a better way.
Often, when a person doesn't want to know the truth, they intellectualize. And, if you tell them they are intellectualizing, not being there for you, or not meeting you on the level of the simple truth, they will probably resent it. Be aware of such attempts to displace you from your center, or the love in you.
Often, people hide behind (or attempt to control others with) confusion, rather than allowing the simple truth to be known. For example, someone who may get hysterical or "out of control" when you talk to them may just be controlling you. They get you to act the way they want, by emotion, confusion, or deception.
Communicating is about connecting and sharing, not hashing out points of contention so as to more exquisitely define your ego-based separation. Do not cater to meaningless intellectualizing or emotionalizing. It doesn't help either the person doing it or the person hearing it. Simply be aware of the truth, in you.
From your side, you are responsible for communicating the truth, with integrity in your self — the loving truth. But, you are not responsible for making the other person change in any way as a result of it. If you have such a large investment in changing them, they may perhaps resist it and resent you, too.
9. A Workable Approach to Communicating
In communicating with someone, speak to them as you wish to be spoken to:
- do connect with them; don't fight with them
- do share your feelings, with integrity; don't scream or shout at them, don't blame them
- do support them, uplift them; don't belittle them
- do heal with them; don't hurt or abuse them
- do respect them; don't judge them or resent them
- do keep yourself open to love; don't shut them out
- do cooperate and work with them; don't try to control them
- do tell the complete truth, be yourself; don't be dishonest with them, or yourself
- be calm and centered in your self; don't be emotionally reactive to them.
Treat your self with the same kindness and compassion. Break the emotion/ego bond or attachment, and let each person stand in and rely upon their own self. Learn to simply be with someone, without activating your ego, emotions, desires, judgments, criticism, or blame.
A workable approach to communicating or sharing your thoughts and feelings with others is:
1. Tell them what you are experiencing, what you know and feel inside you — in your self, not the ego. Tell them what you need from them, or what you want. Tell the truth, without trying to manipulate them or pressure them in any way.
2. Then, honestly listen while the other person shares what they know or feel inside them — without evaluation or judgment or argument or deciding who is "right" and who is "wrong." If you hear judgment or resentment, just hear it; don't resent it or try to defend yourself. Fighting is not communicating.
3. Alternate when the other person indicates they are through — not when you choose to jump in with a point of your own. Keep alternating; one speaks while the other listens. Keep trying to come closer to the truth. And, realize that what they say to you is as important to them, as anything you may have to say.
4. When each of you, honestly, feels complete, find an area of common agreement, or truth. If you disagree, agree to disagree, without any closing sarcastic, manipulative, or judgmental remarks. Don't just rehash your positions; rather, be willing to be more aware of, to open yourselves to, and to accept, the truth.
10. Compromise
Compromise is the act of giving up something lesser for something greater. It is important to realize that compromise does not mean giving up what is true to you, but rather finding ways to gain the cooperation you need. And, it certainly does not mean compromising your personal integrity, what you know to be right, good, and true, within you.
Compromise can mean agreeing with something you have not previously accepted. This should not be a forsaking of true principles or values, but an honest reappraisal of your position, such that you are willing to let go of what does not serve you, to accept what does — as you realize is right in your self.
It is necessary to compromise in some way, just to live in this world, with others. What is most important is that you do not compromise your inner self.
Do not abandon what you truly know to be right inside you, or compromise out of weakness; compromise from strength. Be true to your self by doing what you know to be right — not what others pressure you to do, or what they "reward" you for. Do not compromise your own values or conscience, or give in to wrong.
Some compromise is necessary in loving relationships. A meeting between heart, mind, and spirit, requires each person to take steps toward the other. Do not allow selfishness or pride to stand in the way of true harmony and agreement.
Compromise works only when there is real caring and sharing, not pressure or intimidation. Realize that progress, growth, success, love, and harmony are the true goals in relationships, and be willing to give up lesser things. Have a larger perspective; be aware of the other person's true needs — and your own.
Compromise does not mean giving in to any form of emotionalism or pressure or coercion.
Do not have any emotional attachment or ego investment in having what you want; neither resist what others want. Just be aware of what is right and good and true to you, and seek to accomplish that in your behavior. Be aware of what is not right, good, or true to you, and reject it without any emotion or ego.
Expand your vision to see what it is that you truly want most, what the greater thing is that you could be getting or giving, by compromise. You may be giving up something, but don't get stuck in what you imagine you are losing. Look for the greater good you can allow out of a true compromise.
Focus on what can be gained by true compromise: greater peace, harmony, trust, intimacy, respect, reassurance, cooperation, a chance to show you honestly care — with love, not manipulation. Don't focus on what you think you are "losing"; that only leaves the situation on a point of opposition, or a feeling of lack.
Be aware of compromises you make, or have made in your life. That might include choices you made that were not ultimately right, good, or true for you. Whether you view them as "mistakes" or good choices at the time which somehow did not work out for you, learn from them. Learn what it feels like, within you, when you do not do what is in your highest good. Be aware of your own true purposes, what you want to experience within you, and notice if your choices are bringing you closer to or moving you farther from that.
The most important thing is to not compromise your own conscience; if you do that, or do it too often, you may no longer be able to hear the voice of conscience within you. And then all the choices you make will be, in a way, compromising. It is always the better choice to do what you know to be right, good, and true for you.
11. Completing Relationships
Things change.
Completion is a place of resolution, ending, or moving on.
In our lives, there are those who we can no longer be with, due to any number of circumstances. Some of these relationships may be formative or central in our lives: those with parents, children, spouses, relatives, and loved ones.
We all experience loss in our lives. Being in relationship with those we love carries with it the possibility of loss, ending, conflict, hurt or disappointment. It would be nice if all we carried with us was the good from all that we experience, but there is a lot more we carry with us, which hurts.
The idea in completing a relationship is to get to a place, from your side — whether you are with the other person or not — where you can feel at peace. It doesn't mean you resolve every conflict or problem you ever had with them, or every disagreement. It doesn't mean you get to heal everything or leave every relationship on a positive note. It doesn't mean you wind up excusing people for wrongs they have done to you, just to try to be "positive" or "understanding."
Completion is a process of letting go of the judgments you may hold, the negative feelings, the disappointment, the unmet expectations, ... the illusions you may have had. There is no value in carrying past upset with you any more. You can find a way to let go of it, get past it, or no longer live your life from there.
Completion means no longer living in a place of reactiveness to others. It means not having your present state of mind, feelings, and inner experience be merely a product of what you experienced with someone in the past. It is being here, now, and acting from your own center, from your own true self. And, this does not depend upon anyone accepting you, approving of you, or coming into agreement with you. It is something you can do from your side, regardless.
You don't even need to tell someone you are through with them (which is often an attempt to egotistically put them down or keep yourself from feeling your own hurt or disappointment). But, if possible, it would be good to express what you need to say to them.
Again, you don't even need to actually say it to them. You can write a letter to them, saying whatever had been left unsaid, and then tear it up and throw it away.
The idea is to get to a place where your present relationships, and your present life, are not still ruled by unfinished business from the past. Unresolved feelings, interactions, and upsets become the basis for limiting patterns of behavior in your other relationships.
Exercise Four: Consider a relationship you may have had with someone that is over, but which you may not have entirely gotten over. Perhaps there are some unexpressed or upset feelings. Maybe things didn't go as well as you might have wished, or something went really wrong. If you think of someone, and a thought or feeling other than, "I love you," comes up, be aware of that. You may wish to get more in touch with that feeling, whether sadness, anger, guilt, or otherwise. What do you need to say? You can express it here. The idea is to allow those thoughts and feelings a space in which to come up and out, rather than bottling them up or suppressing them. You owe that to your self.
Realize that it is all right for these emotions to pass, to feel quiet peace in you. In fact, this is a positive experience. Don't mistake this quiet re-centering and freedom from emotion to be "emptiness." Tying up loose ends and feeling complete is meant to be a constructive process. Let go of the hurt; you may find that true love remains, in you.
If you have ever lost a loved one, you need to realize that no drop of true love is ever lost. You have to believe that no good is ever lost. If it helps, you can keep in communication with a loved one on the subtle level, in your own heart. Speak to them in your heart. Wish them well. The heart does go on.
Ask yourself how they would want you to feel in their absence. Would they want you to feel sorrow and hurt, guilt or despair? Or would they want you to come to a place of peace with them, a place of love? Would they want you to be free from hurt or suffering? If you believe so, then honor them by moving into that more true, complete, and healing relationship with them — whether they are with you any more or not.
There isn't any relationship you have ever had, or will ever have, that could not benefit from your moving closer to a place of truth, love, and simplicity within you. Learn what it means to be that way with your self, and others.
Live in gratitude — not regret — for the love you have had.
Being complete is the starting point for further progress in all of your relationships. The love in you is the place you have to find, and the place you have to come from, always.