Personal Relationships
Lesson 2: Learning to love yourself
1. The Love You Have
2. The Love You Give
3. Friendship
Exercise One
4. Clarifying Relationship Boundaries
5. Personal Responsibility
Exercise Two
6. Acknowledgment and Appreciation
7. Culturing the Heart
Exercise Three
8. True Love
9. Does Love Leave You?
10. Connecting With Love
Exercise Four
Exercise Five
1. The Love You Have
The love you have within you — which is essentially the love you have for yourself — is the love you share with others. If you don't really love yourself, or you have a lot of judgments, self-criticism, negative emotions, or self-negating beliefs, you have less love to give.
Some people have very little love to give, or else they haven't found it in them, yet. There are so many things in this world that keep us from knowing love, real love, within us. It takes an effort to move through those things, to connect with love, and to learn to experience and express real love.
The things that truly serve you, are the ones that validate you. They support you in being more of who you already are, on a deeper level. This is different from the things which reinforce your programming, conditioning, or superficial self-concept.
You need to distinguish between who you are, your authentic self, and who you might think you are. There is a "real you" beneath the costume, mask, or role you are playing. You might be performing in this life, but you may not be acting as who you truly are. Few of us do, until we learn what that means, and learn how to be more authentic with our thoughts, feelings, and needs. Being authentic involves letting go of all of the misidentifications you may have with your ego, your appearance, your personality, your approval-seeking behavior, and your public persona or identity. That's all your costume, your mask, and the role you are playing in the world. That's not the real you.
You need to strip all of those things away, in order to be your authentic self, who you really are inside. And, unless you do, what you offer to others, what you bring to a relationship, is not all that true to who you are. If you really think you are what you are not, and the other person is in agreement on that — and likes you because of how you presented yourself — your process of letting go of what is untrue to you might eventually mean letting go of the other person. If they are used to being in a relationship with who you are not, they may have just as hard a time letting go of that misidentification as you. For example, a person who is very overweight and in a relationship might lose all that excess weight, and the whole relationship will change. The overweight person was chosen as a partner, accepted, and approved of as they were, not as they might become. Being "better" can be a challenge to your relationship partner.
You may find that there are people in your life who don't really want you to love yourself more, to grow, to learn, to be more than you are. They may in fact be comfortable with you not loving yourself much at all. If you have a low standard in loving yourself, you will have a low standard in loving them — and they won't have to fear your challenging or changing them in any way. Or, if you love yourself less, you may feel more of a need for them or their love.
But love is all about opening, growing, learning, and being more than you thought you were. And seeing others in that same light, so that they can be more than they thought they were, too.
2. The Love You Give
It is a great joy to have your life be truly uplifting to others. What is most uplifting to you, and anyone who is open to it, is true love. Notice the difference between true, corrective love, and emotional love which "loves someone as they are, right or wrong." Such erroneous love results in more wrong. True love does not cover over what is wrong in someone, but helps to release it.
Uplifting someone is only possible if they are receptive to the truth, and are willing to see the truth about the errors they have made in their past choices. It is not possible to uplift anyone, in any real sense of the word, by deluding them in any way, or by "saving" them from the harsh truths they need to hear. To be uplifted means to be taken to a higher truth, love, and happiness in one's being.
If you like to help others "feel" good, by shielding them from responsibility for themselves or making choices for them, you are not uplifting them but bringing them down. A person might feel "good" if you cater to the wrong in them, their ego, or their emotions, but the "high" they may feel is transitory. There is not much true comfort in illusions, "emotional support," or sympathy.
Only the truth is ultimately uplifting. Even what you might consider "harsh" or "negative" truths are liberating; there is no such thing as a "negative" truth. On the other hand, all illusions and delusions are negative, self-negating, or a denial of what is right and good and true. So, the best way to uplift anyone is to separate them from their delusions, to help them connect with the truth.
Uplifting someone else, without seeking to get anything in return, without seeking to increase your pride in yourself, and without trying to be a martyr or to "sacrifice" yourself for them, is loving and being true to your own self.
Simple loving kindness, caring and sharing, is its own greatest reward. Giving of your self, unselfishly, is the way to increase the connection you have with the love and happiness within you. You discover that giving of yourself increases your wholeness of self, rather than taking anything away from you but your ego.
The joy in any relationship is in some form of mutual upliftment; it is not possible to truly uplift anyone without being uplifted your self. Note, you can not uplift someone with true love and kindness if they have absolutely no interest in your help, or if they will only use your kindness to exploit you.
A person chooses to either accept or reject true love.
Loving what is truly good in someone, without trying to manipulate them in any way, uplifts them from within their own self; they can see themselves more clearly in the reflection of your love. It brings them closer to the truth. Emotional "love" or desire distorts any truth, and makes everyone look "good."
The true joy in living, is in living unselfishly. Don't have the illusion that it helps anyone for you to be their "source" of love or joy. Rather, they must learn to find that within themselves, and not be displaced from that by you. Do not have any emotional attachment to others, any ego investment in how they respond to you.
3. Friendship
Friendship is meant to be a source of creative interaction and growth. The desire to give, to share love, and to grow, is perhaps the most fulfilling motivation in personal relationships. But, there are many factors at play in structuring "friendships," which can also be very destructive or exploitive.
Traps in making or keeping "friends" include: the encouragement of abuse by drugs, alcohol, and sex; the programming to be "one of the crowd," and do what "everyone else does"; the mindless superficiality of most social "mingling"; associations with those who use or abuse you; the falsity of ego and emotion.
People often choose "friends" who will "lovingly support" them in their most limiting and self-destructive behavior, in their egotistical pride, in their judgments, and in their selfishness. These are not true friends, but allies in mutual denial, distraction, delusion, and escape from reality or responsibility.
A friend is wrongly defined as someone who loves us and accepts us as we are, and who doesn't want us to change; rather, a true friend is someone who sees us as more than we are, who sees something greater in us, and who inspires us to reach for it.
Friendship does not involve emotional dependence upon other people, or finding sympathy for your insecurities, or avoidance of self-responsibility. Rather, it comes from each person being true to their own self, and being responsible for themselves and their own needs. Real friends do not have any "use" for you.
A "friend" is not someone who will see no wrong in you as long as you will see no wrong in them. Such an agreement to accept or cater to ego delusions is not friendship. It is acting out self-destructive behavior in your relationships.
A true friend is someone who does not put up with your illusions but who serves to constantly bring you closer to reality, truth, love, and true joy in you. Remember, a friend is someone who will tell you the truth, not a consoling lie.
If you can not, or do not, tell your "friends" what you know to be right and true inside you; if you are afraid that you might lose your "friends" by being honest with them or your self; if your "friends" wouldn't like you or approve of you because you didn't support their egos, they just aren't true friends.
Discern carefully, on the basis of the true intentions or inner nature of people you meet. Do not be so unthinking as to judge people on the basis of superficial appearances. There are people who have the worst, evil intentions, who "love" to meet naive, gullible, undiscriminating people, to take advantage of them, to use them. If you mindlessly accept or "love everyone as they are," you are only fooling your self. Do not be tempted to compromise yourself.
A real friend will not play on your ego/emotions, or somehow displace you from your self. A true friend will only be interested in seeing you become strong and centered in your self, not dependent on them. They will not be proud of your needing them. A friend will turn you back onto your self, and help you to be more centered and clear in your self — with love, truth, and simple honesty.
Exercise One: This is an exercise in
awareness. Allow yourself some time to be with the
following questions. Sit with them, and be aware of the
thoughts, feelings, and desires that come into your awareness.
Questions: What do you look for in someone you would
consider a friend? What does it mean to you, to be a
friend? What do friends share?
If you wish to grow in friendship, then you need creative interaction, on the level of the heart, mind, and soul. Each person has to support the other in finding greater wholeness within their own true self, their own inner being.
True friendship grows by a process of finding what is good and true within your own self and others, and sharing it. This is the only basis of real friendship.
As you grow and unfold more of your true inner self, your relationships will be different. Notice that this is different from holding on to old relationships or keeping your relationships from changing. Just be true to your self; have patience; be aware; and be open to loving, truthful, progressive friendships.
4. Clarifying Relationship Boundaries
Every person has boundaries, which define who they are, separate from others. Clarifying boundaries is necessary for the sake of developing, protecting, and unfolding the true self. Each of us must learn to deal with invasive, self-limiting or destructive influences upon our true self in the most effective way, to learn to more fully be our self, and to be more whole within our selves.
Our boundaries need to be maintained in their integrity, because anything which violates our boundaries diminishes our true self. Clearly, ego, emotion, abuse, and violence are more obvious violating influences. People, programming, and conditioning can be much more subtle, but they also can violate our true self.
There are certain boundaries which need to be acknowledged or established in relationships. Otherwise, a person loses their own self in the more dominating influences of others, and may have no real sense of their own self or their own needs. This lack of clear boundaries encourages emotion and reduces awareness.
Do you have a real sense of self, within you, and a clear sense of your own boundaries — separate from others, their thinking, or the role you may play in relation to them? If not, you may have been conditioned by emotional love, or the need to be accepted or approved by others — or to use or be used by them. This confuses your own boundaries.
Remember, the need at all times is to maintain integrity with your self, in any and every relationship you may have. You have to be true to your self, always. If you have ever been exploited in a relationship in the past, whether by family, friend, or stranger, you probably lost part of your self or your boundaries.
Reacting emotionally to people and things outside you, is a means by which external influences get inside you and may subsequently control your behavior, actions, and choices. This is the most common means of losing your protective boundaries, your true self, and the peace, harmony, love, and joy within you.
Emotion, including emotional love and hate, can make it very hard to maintain proper relationships with others. Notice how you lose your self (your self is overshadowed) in both emotional love and in hate. Resentment is often an aftereffect of having let down your guard, or having lost integrity with your self, and then trying to somehow "negate" it. Instead of being true to you, emotion often violates your boundaries, and weakens, diminishes, or negates your self.
Many people have unclear boundaries. Some feel that if they "put up boundaries" then how could they truly love someone or be loved by them. The truth is, unless you clearly recognize, affirm, and establish your own boundaries, you can only be dominated, exploited, manipulated, used or abused in relation to others.
Very often, it is the people who wish you to lower your guard, to have a few drinks with them, to have a little "safe" sex with them, to use a little "harmless" drug with them, who want you to love the wrong in them, who are most manipulative, vile, polluted, and degrading in their influence upon you.
Maintaining your own true boundaries is a matter of responding to, and being kept within the bounds of, inner conscience. You realize these proper boundaries by a process of self-referral — by separating your self from the thinking, choices, and behavior of others — and knowing what is right within you.
What happens in your relationships is a direct result of the way you deal with boundaries — your own and those of the person you are relating to. As a result you may need to learn how to clearly establish your boundaries.
Love requires integrity with your self. This is the only true workable approach in dealing with boundaries between you and others, without being diminished.
In relationships with others, you have to deal with not only your boundaries but the meeting between each of your boundaries. The most workable way to do this, as you maintain your own boundaries and learn to not be emotionally reactive or compromised, is by openness, acceptance, cooperation, and agreement.
This leads to growth. But remember, grow within your self, and expand the boundaries of your self, but do not compromise your self or try to grow off of someone else, like a barnacle. A loving unity is possible, and even necessary, in a true workable relationship. But each person must be whole in themselves.
5. Personal Responsibility
Personal responsibility is the acceptance of yourself as accountable for your own choices and actions in life, and in your relationships. Responsibility is not about burden; it's about greater personal empowerment and growth in your relationships with others and your self. Responsibility is self-acceptance.
You always have been, are now, and always will be entirely responsible and accountable for yourself and your choices in life. Accepting your own personal responsibility is the basis of establishing proper relationships with others.
Realize, what you experience in life is not necessarily fair, understanding, loving, or supportive of who you truly are. But, what you do about it is your choice and your responsibility. You make of your life and relationships what you will.
You have chosen, created, and accepted your life by your choices, even if you are unaware of or choose to give up your choices. Since you are responsible for yourself, it empowers you to consciously accept responsibility in your life. If you don't, you still remain responsible for your choices — that doesn't change.
Exercise Two: Consider your personal responsibility in
your relationships. Are others there to approve of you,
right or wrong; are they there to judge you, to give you needed
perspective on yourself; to help prop up your ego; to give you
emotional support; or, to help you to be a
better you?
Do you see how others may act in an analogous way to how
you think and feel about your self? In what way do you think
of yourself differently from how others treat you? In what
ways are you willing to give up "support" for who you
are, or what you may have experienced in the past, for the
choice to be authentically you — in relation to others?
What would you rather have in your life, in your relationships,
now?
Finally, complete this sentence: "When I take
responsibility for how I am in relation to others, and
consequently, how they are in relation to me, ..."
(keep going, until you can think of nothing else)
Can you see how you live with your choices? This is your responsibility. You make those choices, and live with them; others make and live with their choices. Personal responsibility frees you from having to live with the limiting choices of others — you can see them as choices that others have made for themselves but which you need not make for your self.
Responsibility is not a burden that you are stuck with, but a relief from the many false burdens (and self-limitations) you may carry with you through life.
You are responsible for accepting or rejecting wrong influences or programming, within you and in relation to others; don't let these influences go unchallenged by you. Accept the power to choose to be free from what is not right, good, or true; and allow yourself to experience a truer state of being within your self. Realize, with free will, you make choices at each moment. Make the choices which are true to you, now, taking responsibility for your self by breaking free from past programming, invalidation, and self-negating conditioning.
As a result, you may feel more truly aware in your self, or more "real." Coming from a place of true personal responsibility, you can face reality and give up illusions, programming, and denial, which block personal empowerment. Empowered in your self, you are also somehow humbled, freed from the need to manipulate and control everything and everyone around you, which is just ego.
You may begin to realize that you can create what you truly want in your life, and in your relationships, without being trapped by ego and emotion. Realize, you are responsible for the choices you make in relationships. This does not mean that you are responsible for the way others act towards you. People act according to their own inner nature, not according to how you "choose" for them to act. You are not responsible for the wrongs which others have done to you, or which they choose to do to themselves.
Others must accept responsibility for their own lives. Remember, you can only pretend not to be responsible for your own choices; a "lack of responsibility" degenerates into denial or blame of others, selfishness, or manipulation of others to get what you want in life. Let others be responsible for themselves.
Personal growth, and the growth of loving cooperation in relationships, depends upon accepting personal responsibility. Each person must choose what they want in their own life. Each person does have that power because the power comes with responsibility, and each person is responsible. Choose wisely; choose love.
6. Acknowledgment and Appreciation
Have you ever thought that you can only appreciate in others what you can find in yourself? You have to find it in yourself, first, and know it there, before you can recognize it or appreciate it in others.
Acknowledgment is an awareness of, and perhaps an expression of, what is right, good, and true in your own self, and in others. It is a validation of the true love, joy, harmony, wisdom, peace, and perseverance found in the inner being.
Note, acknowledgment has nothing to do with feeding ego pride in you or anyone else. The whole idea is to recognize and appreciate the value and meaning which is already there in the self; just tell the truth about it to your self and the other person, with love. Flattery is unnecessary; it only feeds ego. Acknowledge what you value in your self and others, and you will experience more of it.
It has an uplifting effect for another person whenever you acknowledge them — by validating their true self, and appreciating what you find to be good and true in them or in their behavior. But, be sure that you are not merely judging them; that produces resentment. Support others in themselves, in their personal growth, and in relation to you; help them to recognize their own true value.
This encourages more loving cooperation, and allows real growth and progress.
By acknowledging what is good and true — by virtue of your awareness — you and others may experience the greater worth or value within your own selves. When you acknowledge another person, don't expect any reward, or expect them to behave in any way; do not try to control them with your love or appreciation.
Be sure that you do not try to see good in others where there is none, or have your acknowledgment be a "loving" lie. Emotion is only false encouragement.
Simply tell the truth, and don't try to lead people on with false praise. See what is real and deserving of acknowledgment and true appreciation. Don't inflate people's egos, but help them to see their true self in a greater light. Be honest in both perception and expression.
Remember that acknowledgment is not judging another person, or measuring them against some standard that you hold. In simply acknowledging someone, you have to get your own ego out of the way; don't judge them, seek to manipulate them, or attempt to get anything from them in return. Just honestly appreciate them.
Appreciation is a further form of acknowledgment — you not only acknowledge someone for the inherent value of who they are or what they have done, but also for their influence or effect on you, personally. It is most important to only "appreciate" what is right and good and true, and to not reinforce any behavior which caters to ego, illusions, or untruth. Never try to cultivate the ego.
Showing appreciation does not mean being emotional. Showing appreciation requires consciousness, inner awareness, connecting with deeper levels of your own understanding and values.
So, appreciation is not just a habitual reaction to anyone's behavior. And, it is not meant to be a reward for someone seeking your approval so as to increase their ego, pride, or selfishness. Do not dole out appreciation to help cover up people's insecurities. Lovingly lead them to a higher truth about themselves.
Learn to appreciate others for who they really are, not for anything you might get or give. It often happens that what you like in other people, you probably like in yourself, and what you dislike in other people you probably dislike in yourself. This is often a subtle form of ego reinforcement — yours and theirs.
The less illusions you have about other people, and the less judgmental you are about them, the more able you are to see the good that may be in them, and the more you may find to appreciate. Be sure that you are not "seeing good" in others so that they will see no wrong in you; that is a form of self-deception.
Appreciation is a simple heartfelt experience, by which you may feel or express gratitude. It is not a way to seduce, deceive, or manipulate someone in any way, to buy acceptance of you or your behavior. Remember, appreciation becomes manipulation if you seek to get anything in return — including someone's love.
Appreciation is simply sharing your joy of others, with them. This multiplies the joy in both of you. It is an affirmation of the value and joy you find in your relationship. The simple expression of sincere appreciation for who someone is, for the goodness in them, has a very uplifting effect, for both of you.
7. Culturing the Heart
Awareness and appreciation of love in you produces a softening of your heart, and helps to release you from old self-negating patterns of relating. It is necessary to learn how to culture the heart, to relate from a place of love.
Culturing the heart is a process of learning to open your heart to others, in a way that works for you. This requires no selfishness, no emotional attachment, and no expectations about what someone will do as a result of your loving them. There must be no element of control or manipulation in loving others.
Be aware of the blocks you may have to loving others. If you have judgments, feelings of superiority/inferiority, blame, resentment, ego pride or selfishness you may seldom experience the true love in you. You lose awareness of love.
Now, you can practice opening your heart, to be more loving, to be aware of more love, to get past the negative conditioning which blocks your own love.
Love is a choice you make. It is only the presence of love in you, which allows true loving cooperation with others. Learn to share love in a way that is true to you, with those you truly love.
Realize, the love in your heart is primarily for you, and must be shared wisely. Culturing the heart is a process of bringing love through you, and your heart, so that you may learn to share it with others in an appropriate way.
What follows is a visualization process which takes about 10 minutes. It is best to do it when you are in a quiet environment and will not be disturbed. Read through the steps first, and then do them when you are ready.
Exercise Three: Begin by relaxing; take a few deeper
breaths, and close your eyes. Mentally see yourself
surrounded by a pure white light. Feel, sense, or imagine a
brilliant white light just above your head, as if you were
under a bright spotlight.
Now picture a ball of warm glowing golden energy in the
center of your chest. Feel it warming you, ever fiber of
your being, as if a golden sun were in the heart area.
Breathe the golden energy in, gently, into the heart area, in
the middle of your chest. And feel a warm expansion as the
energy fills that area. Continue with this for about 5-10
minutes.
If you wish, you may bring to mind someone you love, or
wish to open your heart to. Picture them in your mind, and
surround them with a golden-white light. Then mentally
repeat, "You know, I really love you." (Use your
own words here.) The idea is to simply feel love in your self,
not possessiveness. Don't force it.
Keep breathing a little more deeply than usual, and let
love flow within you. Keep going. Be aware of the warm
golden love flowing within you, in your heart, and keep
affirming your love — the love in you. Take about a
minute or more.
When you are through, see the ball of golden light
reducing to just a point of light; know that you can open up
and expand that golden ball of "love light" whenever
you wish. When you are ready, gently stretch; slowly open
your eyes.
Realize that you are the one who has the key to your own heart. The way to open your heart, to know the love in you, is to feel worthy of the love in your own self and deserving of sharing it with others.
You have to be willing to love yourself and forgive yourself, to free the love in your own heart. Forgiveness is a way of releasing your self from wrong. It is not to be used to encourage, accept, or invite wrong in others (or you). Rather, you can let go of what is wrong, let go of hurt, and do what is right.
Do not walk around with your heart open to everyone in the name of "love."
Keep your love, within you, protected. Your only responsibility is to keep love within you, pure, unspoiled by anyone. Notice how this differs from feeling the need to emotionally support others or coddle them in any way. Simply stay in love, in your own heart, and let others learn how to do the same. In this way, your heart will grow pure, and you can share true love with others.
8. True Love
Love may be found as the essence of your being, and in another person's true inner being as well; you may experience a oneness of being with others, and in your self. Love may be experienced by itself, but is often accompanied by feelings of joy, harmony, warmth, peace, and overall well-being within the self.
Love is a life energy which in its very nature is self-validating, creative, and healing. Love's presence is fundamental to life and the choices you make on the deepest levels. Love seeks greater oneness, harmony, and peace in you, and creates the possibility for all progress and healing in relationships.
In love there is safety, trust, acceptance, nurturing, honesty, innocence. There is liberation — the means in which to bring up and heal inner conflicts, upset emotions and hurts, self-doubts, and fears born of separation and negation.
Love restores you to the wholeness of your self, in the very essence of your being. True love is devoid of ego; it cannot be produced by or known by the ego. Love is the acceptance of all that is right and good and true in life, in you.
Do you know what true love is, in relation to your self and others?
Because of conditioning and erroneous programming which you are subjected to (especially in the media), it is difficult to distinguish between true love versus what you may imagine is love. The ego confuses true love with emotional attachment, dependence, selfishness, and "getting what you want" from somebody. Self-destructive programming often makes the most perverse things attractive.
Love is not obsession with or addiction to someone — even if it is mutual. Love is not emotional attachment, ego investment, programming, or infatuation felt in the presence (or absence) of another. What ego, emotion, and conditioning set you up for is a comfortable and supportive fantasy or illusion, not the truth. And, illusions of love very often prove to be very hurtful and disappointing.
True love is structured in strength, harmony, peace, and joy, in you. Love is not jealousy, selfishness, pride, anxiety or weakness felt in the presence of another person. Love is not being weak for someone, or "losing your self" in them. Being "lost in love" means being completely overcome by your illusions.
Your love does not come to you from another person. Love is not the hope or expectation of getting love from another, but a place to come from, in you.
You do not need to try to hold on to or "merit" someone else's love by catering to their ego, selfishness, pride, or use of you. Any feeling of "worth" you derive from this is not true love, but pride. And pride is a very shallow and fleeting thing; it is of the ego, not the true inner self. Pride needs continual external reinforcement from others, or continual self-delusion and denial within you. You cannot love what diminishes your own self. It's not love.
True love can only be shared by true selves; the ego cannot know, recognize, or accept true love. Ego is found in feelings of possessiveness, ownership, pride, and passion. Real love disappears the moment you begin to act from, or cater to, the ego in you or in others. Ego can only deny the real self, and real love.
Emotional love, emotional attachment, and emotional excitement are all aspects of ego gratification, and self-delusion. Ego can be very deceptive. True love is corrective — it does not accept, "love," or encourage ego. True love is the love of what is right and good and true, in you. It is being true to your self.
9. Does Love Leave You?
Basically, you cannot hold on to love. You cannot make it stay, especially if you are getting "love" from another person. This is emotional attachment, not "true" love.
Emotional attachment or possessiveness is a trap of the ego. Love is not using or being used to sustain erroneous ego conditioning and emotional attachment in basically unloving relationships. True love involves growing in the experience of love, appreciation, and harmony, within you. The love you need is in you.
Know what true love is within you; then you will be aware of true love in your relationships with others. Do not project love in relation to others, or think that because you have love that others must somehow love you. Don't fall for the untrue, delusive, or misguided social programming to "be nice" to everyone.
See people as they are, and don't see them as more loving than they really are. Don't fall for the programming to "love everyone as they are." You may find yourself in an emotional trap being exploited or abused in the name of "love."
Are there times when your own love seems to leave you?
In order to stay in love, you have to learn to clear whatever you find to be in the way of love, in you. The test of love is not the extent to which you will put up with abuse or exploitation or ego worship, but rather be true to your self.
Love is a measure of what is right — what is right to embrace in your self and in others. Love reveals this to you. True love makes you aware of anything in the way of love, so that you can learn to be free from it. Love may bring up hurt feelings, past traumas, negative emotions, or other self-negating feelings. It is essential not to merely act them out again, but to truly release them. Love must not be a means for growing in negativity, but being free of it.
There are those who have no love in them, who live for selfish ego, who have contempt and hate for the open innocence and purity of love. Be very aware of the pretense of love which seeks to use, abuse, or exploit you. False love can be a very painful trap. You have to find and honor the love in your own self.
A truly loving person cannot share love with everyone, indiscriminately. Never feel pressured to love someone who is wrong, evil, or of bad intentions. Never.
If you are willing to give up your illusions of finding your own love in another person, or wanting someone else to give you a reason to feel loving, you may find that love is in you. Love has to be in you; even if you wish to share true love with someone, you still need to feel your own love for them, within you.
What gets in the way of experiencing true love in you, is unloving feelings, a choice to not be loving, or a lack of awareness of or appreciation of what love is in you. If you look outside your self for love — or what you think is love — you deny the real love in you, and further develop unloving feelings.
It is important to know the difference between love and loving: realize that love is in you, and does not go away even if you are not feeling loving, or if you experience unloving feelings. The essence of love is still there, in you.
Unloving feelings obscure or distract you from love, but love is there beneath those emotions — even when you do not feel loving, or when you are feeling overshadowed by negative emotions or patterns of behavior. A lack of awareness of love within you is a product of negative programming, or self-negation.
Think about it. In your own situation, how can you come from love, be in love, or stay in love, in a way that is true to your own self?
True love has an essential quality of being right, good, and true — which directly opposes and rejects what is not. True love is corrective. True love is not using or being used by anyone, ever. This is the only basis for true loving cooperation with anyone, and the only way to be true to your own self.
10. Connecting With Love
Love is the sweetness of life. It is cherishing all that is right, good, and true. Love gently encourages, asks for, and nurtures the highest in you.
Love is real, fulfilling, and timeless, and can be found on the deepest level of your being. If you let it, love will bring out the best in you.
Love may be experienced as an expansive, healing, uplifting quality. Connecting with love can feel like finding the source of life within you. Yet, love can also be very quiet, peaceful, or subdued.
Love is real, though intangible — it is found on the deepest level of feeling. But, it is not so much a feeling as it is a quality of the inner self. Love manifests in inner harmony, inner awareness, conscience, and goodness. The essence of love must be found within you.
Since love is on the finest level of feeling, the experience of love can be overshadowed by other, grosser feelings. Love is the greater reality, but it can be obscured or distorted by negative emotions, resentment, and egotism. Love can even be forgotten when you become unaware of it in the present moment, within you.
The way to experience love is to bring your awareness of love into the here and now — within you. Realize, love is always available to you, because the source of love is an eternal reality, here, now. The idea is to find it in you, now.
Exercise Four: Complete the following sentence: (Write
the complete sentence, and enter whatever comes up. It helps
to take a deep breath after each sentence, to let the love in,
or the emotions out.)
Something I love in my self is ...
Take a breath and pause a moment to be aware of the
feelings within you.
What do you feel?
Keep completing the sentence until you are through.
What do you feel?
It is all right to feel good about your self. But, love goes beyond feeling good about yourself, being approved of by others, feeling needed, feeling pride, or being emotionally "sensitive." Love is not an ego-emotional reaction to others.
Love transcends ego pride, emotion, or selfishness felt when others approve of you. You need to know, deeply within you, that love, in you, is not dependent upon anyone else's approval of you in any way. Your love need not be dependent upon anyone or anything outside you, because the source of love is found within you.
Until now, you may only have been aware of or felt love on a more obvious level, when it was expressed or as it flowed through you. But, love, and the source of love, is in your innermost being. Love is the very life that flows through you, that nourishes you from the most fundamental level of your being.
You are loved for, and by, all the goodness in you — you are loved for your simple wish to accept the purity of love in you. If you will simply accept the goodness in you, or desire love's purity in you, you will grow in love from the center of your own being.
Don't hold back the love in you, or feel guilty for having no love, or for loving your self. Give up feelings of unworthiness, give up judging or resenting yourself, give up the need for false emotional love and support and approval from outside you.
Just open to the presence of love, the reality of love, in you. Accept the eternal presence of love within you, now. Love is there, waiting, quietly and gently, to be admitted into your heart and soul, now. Allow your heart to be open.
Exercise Five: Take a few deep breaths, close your eyes, and begin to feel yourself loved as much as you could ever be loved, with the source of love in you. Let love come, let it in, let it fill you like a warm golden light. Take a minute or so; just keep breathing a little more deeply than usual; and let love be in you, now. When you are through, slowly open your eyes.
Very simply, the basis of being loved is allowing the presence of love in you.
Love is being true to your self, accepting your self, becoming whole in your self. This is different from elevating your ego or feeling ego-emotional pride. The ego only knows selfish love or emotional love; it leads you away from what is whole or true or loving in your own self. So, give up ego and emotion and let love restore you to the greater wholeness, balance, and peace in your self.
Love may first be experienced as an appreciation of unity and wholeness within you, and then, perhaps, in relation to those you can truly love outside you. You can bring love, the love of your innermost being, into your relationships with others — but only in relation to those who will not use or abuse your love. You must protect love in its purity, and never betray, sell out, or trade the reality of love in you for lesser ego illusions. Keep this integrity with your self primary in all of your relationships. And, never feel pressured to give ego-emotional "love" to anyone, or to get false emotional "love" from others.
Loving yourself, first, is the basic need of any relationship. By remaining true to the love in you, and not seeking "emotional love" from others, you will feel more whole inside. This is how to have real love. You may come to find love as the fundamental value of who you truly are, inside your self. Remember, when you feel a need to connect with or find love, look within your own self, first.