Personal Relationships
Lesson 8: Issues and answers
1. What's Up?
2. Whose Problem Is It?
3. What's in the Way of Having What You Want or Need?
4. What's "Normal"?
5. How Does Something So Right Go So Wrong?
6. How Do You Heal a Relationship?
7. Why Do People Act the Way They Do Towards You?
8. How Do You Meet the Right Person for You?
9. How Do You Start Over?
1. What's Up?
Relationships can be conscious or unconscious; that means we can be aware or what's happening, or not. The less conscious we are of our interactions with others, the effect we have on them or they have on us — what's really going on — the more likely we are to have relationships go bad. Too often, we get used to being with others in a habitual way, without much real attention, care, nurturing, love, respect, or appreciation. Instead of interacting in a mutually uplifting way, people often learn to put up with unloving behavior, lack of appreciation, disrespect, and hurt.
It's not supposed to be that way.
If you wish to relate well with others, learn to recognize their feelings: in their face, their eyes, their body, their posture, their attitude, their energy. Everyone brings their inner experience, thoughts, feelings, and desires with them, and they are quite visible when you know what to look for.
If you don't know what you are seeing, ask the person what they are experiencing, what they are feeling, thinking, wanting. Sometimes you will find agreement between what they express outwardly and what their body is saying; sometimes these are different things entirely. Someone may say they are happy or "fine," but their appearance, posture, facial expression, energy, or attitude says otherwise. You don't need to contradict people or challenge what they say, but neither should you overlook you direct perceptions and your own feelings.
People do not always wish to acknowledge their inner upsets, thinking it only makes things worse to put attention on them when they are upsetting. However, it is often the case that allowing someone the space to be heard — truly heard, not analyzed or judged or dismissed or "fixed" — give them the space to bring up something on a deeper level which needs to come up and out.
If some deeper feeling is coming up, the best way to look at it is: it is coming up to be released. Not to be justified as much as to simply be given the space to be looked at and to then pass. Anything can come up for someone at any time: anger, upset, fear, desire, and so on. It just takes something which brings up a similar response or feeling within them, usually as a result of prior conditioning. We may feel comfortable around people who have the same cultural background, perhaps, because they bring up familiar feelings that we feel comfortable with; people with a different appearance or attitude or energy or emotions may make us uncomfortable for similar reasons — they do not reassure our positive feelings but feed into our own negative feelings, fears, and doubts.
Don't take things personally, even if someone directs their feelings towards you — especially if they are negative feelings. Look at those things that come up as something that has a deeper origin, a history of being ignored or invalidated or justified. Very seldom do people get upset for the reason they say; the current situation may provide the stimulus, but upset tends to draw from a deeper pool within them, linked to many past situations and hurts and fears and upsets.
The way someone relates to you may have very little to do with who you really are. They may relate to you based upon their initial impression — which takes literally two seconds to form — your appearance, height, posture, shape, clothing, smile, attitude, emotions, sexuality, age, or energy. Such impressions may have almost nothing to do with who you truly are — or feel yourself to be — as a person. Yet, relationships are often decided in those first few seconds. That is how deep our store of impressions is. We literally store away all the impressions that others have made upon us, emotionally, psychologically, physically, sexually, and so on. Then when we see others, we don't see who they truly are, but rather "see" the storehouse of impressions and interpretations we have filed away within us.
The better way to relate to others is to learn to be aware, truly aware, in the present moment. Learn to "see" people for who they are, not the socially conditioned impression or emotional reaction of yours which comes up for you. Learn to see people as they truly are.
You will find, if you practice paying attention to how people really are — in their bodies, not in your mind — that you begin to see more deeply into people, and appreciate who they truly are, more. You can get past the superficial impressions and judgments, whatever comes up, and relate more as a real person to a real person.
That doesn't mean ignoring or suppressing what comes up, such as upset, but acknowledging it so that it is seen and allowed to pass. The idea is to not mistake whatever comes up (such as emotion or egotism) for a true connection with or relationship with someone.
2. Whose Problem Is It?
If there are two people in a relationship, and there is a problem, whose problem is it? Yours, theirs, or both of yours? Generally, both of yours.
Consider the case in which a problem might seem to be only one person's. Your relationship partner is having a hard time with something. It seems to be their problem. You ask what they are having a problem with, and it is something that has nothing to do with you. You both agree that it is their problem, and that it has nothing to do with you.
Yet, it still has something to do with you, even when you don't think so.
Whatever affects one person in a relationship generally affects the other person. It affects how available they are to the other person, how much energy, interest, appreciation, engagement or peace or joy or love they may have between them.
Still, it important to recognize who is the focus of the problem, and who needs to deal with it (which could be either person, or both). Often, one person needs to address the problem directly.
Take a look at what emotions, thoughts, and wants come up. A solution does not necessarily mean satisfying those feelings or desires, though that is the first thing that may come to mind, and it is usually what people do in relationships.
When is someone else's problem your problem? You may find this hard to believe, but if anyone has a problem, it's your problem as well. We all affect each other. In daily life, a person who has limited options may make choices that are destructive to themselves and others. If they suffer, their suffering affects others, directly or indirectly.
In the broadest sense, we are in a relationship with everyone, and everything everyone does affects us. Our sense of who we are often depends upon how others perceive us, how they act towards us, and what possibilities there are for doing better together. There is little desire to interact with someone when there is no sense of how it could be for our benefit, or theirs.
Ego puts us at the center of our own little world; we relate to others in terms of what would be better for us by our interaction with them. But it is also ego which distances us from others, which causes us to not bother to interject ourselves into other people's problems. We imagine that if we keep ourselves separate — which is not really possible — then their problems won't affect us, or they will affect us minimally.
Usually, the less attention you give to a problem, the more it tends to remain as it is, rather than going away. Certainly, if we all tried to ignore everyone else's problems, very few of our common problems would ever be resolved.
Take ownership of problems, and you will learn to solve them. Ignore them, or imagine that they are always "the other person's" problem, and problems tend to grow.
It is only the ego which doesn't want to admit that you have a problem, or you have some role or some ownership. Get past that. Maybe the whole problem isn't yours; maybe the entire problem isn't the other person's. Labeling one person as "the cause" does not serve anyone. So, get your ego out of the way, don't take problems as a threat to your self-esteem or self-worth, and seek to resolve them as best you can.
What the ego wants is not the solution, but more often a significant part of the problem.
3. What's in the Way of Having What You Want or Need?
You have learned a lot about life, about dealing with problems, relating to others, but you may still not have what you're looking for. Or you may not have what you want or need. Why is that?
Maybe you don't get to have everything you want in this life. Maybe you don't even get to have all that you feel you need. Or maybe you just keep feeling that you want something that you don't have. That's the way it is with desires, wants, wishes. There is always something else to want. Some people imagine that it is the wanting that gives meaning or purpose to their lives. Others don't realize that what they really want or are looking for is not to be found out there in the world.
It has to be found within you.
Here's the paradox: if you feel you have found what you are looking for — outside your self — you will sooner or later realize that is not the case. Can you really be satisfied with an illusion? Unfortunately, that is the goal of many people: a better illusion to be satisfied with. But illusions do not ultimately satisfy, or else we seek an ever greater illusion. None of that leads us to what we truly want.
Do you imagine that the right person will give you what you want or need? Do you feel that you deserve that? If so, you need to know that what you really deserve is something better than that, something more real, more lasting, more true. It is finding what you are looking for within you.
Look at other people you see in daily life. See if you can identify what is in the way of their having what they want or need, especially in relation to other people. Have they lost sight of what is right, good, or true to them? Are they looking for something from another person that they are not giving themselves or finding in themselves?
If what you want — or think you want — is to be found in another person, rather than within you, it can always just get up and leave. You cannot control how others are towards you; unfortunately, some people try to do this, and it is their measure of "success" in relationships.
Relationships are not about getting everyone — or anyone — else to be how you want them to be, or how you want them to be towards you. That is manipulation and control; it is certainly not love and mutual respect.
Once again, ego is the basis of this false satisfying of false needs. Perhaps the worst thing would be to try to have everything and everyone in your life satisfy your ego. You — the authentic self — cannot be satisfied in this way. It is being ignored, and its real needs are going unmet, while the needs of the false identity we have taken on in the world are being "satisfied." It is like imagining you are happy because your neighbor is happy — it is just not possible or real or true or lasting.
There are still more people who are entrained by their society to believe that satisfying their fantasies is far better than learning to face reality. Fantasies about who we are, how to attract others, how to satisfy yours or others' "needs," cannot create a real, lasting, true state of happiness or self-satisfaction.
Realize, all of that is in the way of satisfaction with your self, inner peace, inner joy, contentment, and lasting happiness. And, what is happiness if it is evanescent, fleeting, or illusory? It is not real happiness at all. Happiness, peace, and joy are what remain with you when the illusions, fantasies, and distractions of the world no longer seduce you or draw you out of your true inner self.
Pursuing fantasies and illusions is a significant part of the problem, not a solution to problems in relation to others — or your own self. It is far more satisfying to have what you really need, within you.
4. What's "Normal"?
In our increasingly diverse society, just about anything goes. But, does that make everything "normal" or right or good or true? Not really.
"Normal" is merely an indication that there are a number of other people who have the same behavior; it is not an assessment of morality. Very often, the majority think, believe, or do things that have very little to do with what is right, good, or true. The majority is not always right; neither is any current idea of what is "normal."
Behavior which does not harm you or others is not by definition normal, as some psychologists would suggest. In our society, people live their entire lives without any real sense of purpose. Is that "normal" and therefore acceptable, or right, or good? It may be "normal" in the statistical sense of the word, but not in the sense of what we would consider right, good, or true.
Sexuality is one of the areas of life which has the most confusion as to what is normal. Since sexuality is ultimately in the mind, rather than in the sex organs, it is possible for a person to find just about anything to be sexually stimulating. That does not make everything "okay." We need to discriminate in our interpretations, morality, and choices, regarding sexual behavior.
Somehow, in our overly stressed and materialistic society, things which cause pain and suffering are considered not only "normal" but desirable and of value. It has become so difficult for people — especially young people — to find inner peace of mind, that they rationalize pain and suffering as a necessary part of joy and satisfaction. It has become rather normal to sit for countless hours of pain and bloodletting to get tattoos. At least a quarter of young people in the U.S. have engaged in this painful ritual, repeatedly.
So, even "personal" choices are made within the context of what is viewed as acceptable in our society. That doesn't mean we choose what is acceptable, automatically; rather, one person may choose to get tattooed to rebel against society, while another does so to fit in with their peers. Does the act of fitting in or rebelling have anything to do with what is right, good, or true? Not really.
Normal, common, popular, or acceptable does not mean good. "Good" is not a judgment made by society as to what is acceptable. Good is what honors the inner being, the authentic self. Most often a tattoo is a mark to label the non-self, the ego, the physical body, not the spiritual being.
It is increasingly "normal" for families to have a single parent. It is normal for most marriages to end in divorce. It is normal for mental patients to be warehoused in prisons in the U.S. It is increasingly normal for young people to drop out of high school; nearly a third do, now.
We need to question what is normal, why it has become normal, or what is imagined to be of value in it. The fact that some form of behavior overtakes our society does not prove that it is of some greater value; rather, the opposite is often the case. Society tends to encourage personal dysfunction, unworkable relationships, unfulfilling work, addictiveness, ego, sexuality, materialism, and lack of self.
It has been said that the goal of society is a minimally functional person, who has lost their real sense of individuality, who can be shaped by society at will. There was a time when a tattoo in our society was deprecated; it often indicated that a person was rebelling, or perhaps got drunk and got tattooed as a way of crossing a certain line of conscience. Does the "free" choice to be tattooed, marked, and bled, signify anything different today?
We are losing sight of how to be with others — and our selves — without hurt and pain, upset and separation. And that is not a good thing. In this vacuum, all sorts of behavior arises to satisfy the most delusive fantasies and desires. It is always a better choice to listen to your own inner conscience, what is right, good, and true, rather than being entirely shaped by your social conditioning, the desire to fit in or be accepted by others, or the programming to accept popular illusions about what has value.
"Normal" should be what is right, good, and true. Anything other than that — seen in the light of conscience — is not a true gauge of normality, acceptability, or value.
5. How Does Something So Right Go So Wrong?
How do friendships, relationships, and marriages that seem so promising turn out so badly? Where does all the pain and hurt come from? Is there a way to keep things from going badly?
Very often we are drawn to relationships for one reason, but it takes a different reason to keep the relationship. What draws us is the newness, the excitement, and, perhaps, the unknown. Our imaginations, egos, and emotions lead the way. And, that initial excitement, energy, or acceptance makes us feel good. But, the newness has to eventually go away; the excitement diminishes or even disappears; and the unknown becomes known. The relationship flat-lines.
There are two different ways to keep a relationship alive. One is to try to perpetuate all of the qualities of the initial meeting, the excitement, emotion, ego reinforcement, surprise, and so on. Some people actually try to do this, for a long period of time. But, it is ultimately not very workable. Then, they often leave the relationship and go off in search of another new relationship where they get to experience all of that initial excitement again. Even married people do this; and get into a pattern of multiple marriages and divorces, sometimes with children left behind in various marriages and split families.
There is a better way to keep something that is basically good from going bad. It is quite opposite to the first approach, and instead of catering to ego and emotion, fantasy and desire, and attempts to perpetuate illusions, the idea is to let go of those things, to learn to live without them. Does that sound dull or unexciting? Probably. But, in a society which labels everything exciting and stimulating and enlivening of the emotions and ego as "good" and "desirable," the measure of what is really good has nothing at all to do with emotional excitement or egotism.
Ego and emotion are not ultimately uniting factors in a relationship, or if they are, then they are bringing the relationship down while giving the illusion that they are taking it higher.
It is possible to perpetuate a bad relationship for a long time, even for life; people do this all the time. But it isn't supposed to be that way.
The signs that something is "wrong" are there right from the start. Are you trying to act as someone you are not, to impress another person? Are you being egotistical, self-centered, or insensitive? Are you concerned with meeting your own "needs," without any regard for the other person? Are you looking for someone who will see no wrong in you, who will help to prop up your ego or illusions? Are you only comfortable with someone who has the same social conditioning or programming as you? If any of these is the case, then you may be setting yourself up for a relationship which does not have any space for growth. You may find that you "grow apart," or that you do not grow or learn or progress or become a better person.
You need to assess whether you can be your true self — your authentic self — in relation to someone, or if they (or you) expect something different of you. Would you still be loved if you got rid of your egotism? If the love is real, you will be loved even more. Would you still be respected if you stepped out of your social conditioning and programming, and found your own purposes in living and your own way? If the respect is real, you may be respected even more.
You don't really lose anything by being more authentic, more of who you are — less egotistical, less emotionally reactive. You become more your own person, and you are more available in a relationship.
Learn what it means to be there for another person, as well as what it means to simply be there for your self. It means the real you needs to show up. It means you need to be committed to getting past anything that causes separation and upset — not choosing out of a relationship when it becomes too "real."
6. How Do You Heal a Relationship?
First of all, you have to care, you have to want to have a better relationship. You can't control how the other person is towards you (and it is not a good idea to even try), but you can be aware of how you are toward them, and make better choices.
Have you or they done something that has caused hurt? What has damaged the relationship? What has eroded or removed the finer level of feeling, love, trust, respect, and happiness?
It is important to recognize the cause of the rift, rather than merely trying to patch over it. And it is necessary to address the cause, to keep it from happening again, rather than to simply make up, or try to forgive and forget. That is not really solving the problem.
These days, people seem to continually lower their standards or expectations of relationship partners, to the point where they have multiple partners and no respect or real love for any one. And the ones they are with either accept that or are kept ignorant of what is really happening.
Once you lose trust in a relationship, it is very hard to get it back, if that is even possible or desirable.
The best way to heal a relationship is to routinely do "preventative maintenance." Before things get out of hand, deal with the things that come up, whether little or large issues. You have to spend the time and energy to work through things; problems generally do not resolve themselves on their own. If there is any upset, give it the space to be heard, and released, and dealt with. The littlest problems tend to grow over time; the smallest pressures tend to build. You don't want to wait until things are so grossly out of alignment, or ready to explode, before dealing with them. You wouldn't do that with your car, so why would you do that with another person who you love and respect, who matters to you?
This may surprise you, but it is simply not possible to make something wrong right, to take back our actions. It is possible to repair a car, but relationships — and people — carry all of the wrongs that have experienced. A wrong, once done, cannot be taken back. The words that you say, the behavior you engage in, the hurt you cause — none of that can be taken back. So, be aware that there are some things that simply cannot be fixed or healed or resolved in relationships.
Some things are not easily "forgiven and forgotten." Abuse of any kind, no matter how much you might want to forgive and forget, does not go away, whether there is any continuing interaction or not. Though abuse may not be forgiven and forgotten, it needs to be released somehow so that it is not running your behavior or your life. But, do not expect abuse to be healed; that may be unrealistic or unlikely.
There is no need to heal your relationship with everyone. There is a need to move forward, to release the effects of past experiences, to release yourself from wrong. There is never a need to accept what is wrong, to justify or rationalize it, to learn to live with it, or to try to fix it in others. You certainly don't have to prove yourself to others who judge you, disapprove of you, or instill guilt or doubt in you. Just get on with your own life.
A lasting relationship needs to be one in which neither person is unfairly putting a lot of "stuff" on the other person; that means emotion, ego, judgment, and so on. It has to be a space in which those things are rejected, not accepted, justified, or excused. Each person needs the space to be accepted for who they are on a deeper level, so that their attention does not have to be on all of the ways in which they are being invalidated. Then they may find that they can put other people first, at least some of the time. That is what love is: putting someone else's needs before yours. We can only do that when we are not being disadvantaged, taken advantage of, drained or negated.
We have to truly be there, to be there for another person, to have a conscious, progressive, uplifting, lasting relationship.
7. Why Do People Act the Way They Do Towards You?
Is there anyone more important to you, than you?
Answer that question honestly, and you will have some idea why we act the way we do towards just about everyone else.
Understand the needs (and desires) that you and other people are seeking to satisfy, recognize the misperceptions, judgments, illusions, programming, and conditioning that people have — which come between you and them — and you have an idea why they act towards you the way they do. It often has very little to do with you.
If you were to meet a stranger, and he or she got angry — at you — you might assume that it didn't really have much to do with you. It had to do with something they experienced before they met you or you crossed paths. In fact, it is the same way when anyone is angry towards you: their anger is about them, not you. It is their inability to cope with something, or a conditioned reaction, something embedded in their past which has come up for them, here, now. You are not the cause.
It is possible to extend this understanding to practically all behavior of all persons you meet, interact with, or have a relationship with: their anger, upset, pleasure, fear, guilt, or happiness is basically about them, not you. Similarly, the judgments people make about others say more about themselves than those they are judging.
Most often, the behavior of people towards you says more about who they are, than it does about who you are. For example, if someone were to need assistance, they might find that one person was kind and supportive of them, while another was mean and degrading. We do not necessarily control how others are towards us, and are liable to get opposite reactions from different people, according to their own nature, mood, attitude, conditioning, perceptions, and so on.
The reason why people act towards you the way they do is not as simple as cause and effect. In other words, you do not necessarily cause people to act as they do; their actions are not necessarily the result of your prior actions (even in the larger sense of "karma").
People have spent years in therapy trying to understand why someone (often a parent) was a certain way with them, why they are so troubled. Very seldom are real answers found. If you need to know why any given person would do any given thing, whether intentionally or unaware of the effect of their actions on others, just know this: everyone in this world is acted through by all sorts of wrong thoughts, feelings, desires, energies, and influences. Some people have a very negative effect, others less so. But we are all subject to "wrong." The idea is to learn to not have "wrong" act through you, run your life, make your choices for you, or cause you greater suffering.
What drives most interactions, on a subtle level, is energy. Be aware of the energy that runs a relationship. Is it emotional, mental, spiritual, sexual? We get energy in our interactions with others; some people take (or drain) a lot of energy from others, while others take very little, but give a lot. This is a reason why people upset others — to get them to react emotionally, to drain energy from them. It is also a large factor in sex, in which some people give up a lot of energy and others get a lot of energy.
There is a better way to relate, to hold your energy. The first thing to be aware of is where your energy is going, in relation to other people. Are there certain people who drain you, who you find it really hard to be around, who are negative, judgmental, gossipy, and so on? Are there other people who are more neutral with you, or with whom you have a more fair energy exchange? Are you draining anyone — if so, what would give you the idea that it is right for you to do that?
In any relationship, you can choose to put in as much time and energy as you wish. Use your energy wisely. Don't let your time, involvement, or energy be controlled by what upsets or drains you, what is wrong, or what affects you negatively. If there is real love, then see that; if there isn't, don't prop up the illusion of love or imagine that someone has to be good to you or love you just because of the relationship. People will be how they are, and it may have very little if anything to do with how you are to them.
8. How Do You Meet the Right Person for You?
This is about being comfortable with who you are, and meeting others who like you for who you are. It is not about how to have a "perfect" smile, wardrobe, body, intelligence, or other aspect of personality. It is about being who you are, on a deeper level. Do you feel too good for others, or not good enough? Both of those self-concepts are usually based in ego. Ego is a false sense of self, which distorts or confuses your relationship with everyone.
The first thing you need to know is that it is basically worthless to act as someone you are not, to try to get people to like you. They won't like you, they'll like the illusion you are propping up, and when that illusion is no longer there, neither will they be.
The second thing to know, is that you really don't want to be with someone who is merely presenting an illusion of who they are, either. Sooner or later the illusion will fade, and you will realize there isn't anything real there for you. Or, you will need to learn to look for what is real.
Some people spend their lives seeking relationships based upon illusions: they don't want to be with a sweetly innocent person, they want to be with a person who acts like some fantasy they have. They don't want to be with a "nice" person, who they see as being "boring." So, in their quest for fantasy, illusion, and satisfaction of desire, they seek what cannot prove to be lasting or fulfilling in the long term.
Some people imagine this is a worthwhile trade: satisfying desires and illusions now, rather than having long-term happiness. Realize, these are not the same thing; they are almost entirely opposite to each other.
And so, a person who is making the wrong choices, seeking what will not ultimately satisfy them, is left wondering why their relationships never work out, or why "love" does not last. They are missing the point entirely.
If you want to meet the right person for you, you need to be who you are — on a deeper level. You won't necessarily find an authentic person who is drinking at a bar to escape reality, who is looking to "hook up," who is partying at spring break, who is being egotistical, arrogant, or controlling. Ego is a sign of how desperately a person is trying to please or control others, to feel more deserving of getting what they want from them. It is a false self, not the authentic self.
What you see is usually what you get. If someone is selling an illusion, and you buy into it, buyer beware. If someone is offering their heart, see that for what it is. It doesn't happen every day, but when it does, you need to be able to appreciate it for what it truly is.
You can meet the right person for you anywhere, by learning what it means to be authentic, being that way your self, and recognizing that quality in another person. You can learn to live that way.
Seek to share the simplest things with another: joy, peace, love, happiness. Find it in you to share those things; and be aware if that is what another person wishes to share with you. All the rest — the questions of personality, appearances, cultural traditions — means a lot less than a genuine loving relationship. Just about everything else can be dealt with within a loving, happy, long-term relationship.
9. Starting Over
Nothing lasts forever. Some relationships can last a lifetime; most do not. Most have a definite start and end point.
Sometimes our attachment to a person outlasts the actual value in that relationship, and for some reason we hang on to the relationship. Still, it may come time to move on, in the right way. There isn't any need to create a lot of drama, or to create an emotionally upsetting situation in order to justify moving on. Nor do you need to make the other person "wrong" in your mind. You do not need to hold a grudge against them, or resent the way they may have been — or not been — toward you.
Still, starting over can be painful. There is not just the previous relationship that you may need to let go of, there is a need to seek once again something that might be hard to find or have, or keep. Of course, what you need to keep isn't another person, but rather the opportunity to keep your own heart open. Prior upset, disappointment, or problems can make that hard to do.
Perhaps you may realize that you are simply not with the right person, or in the right situation. But, the idea is to understand your own self and your own true needs better, rather than rushing off to find someone else to accept you or "love you" as you are. Consider the possibility that you might need to learn to be less egotistical, self-absorbed, willful, controlling, insensitive, negative, antagonistic, judgmental, or hurtful. Maybe it would be good to learn what that means before you find another relationship and bring the same old baggage with you.
Is it just a matter of losing the history you have with someone, so that you can start anew with someone else? Or is something more needed, from you?
Too often we merely blame the other person for not meeting our needs. We refuse to look more deeply into ourselves, to see what we could have done differently — or need to do differently in the future. And that is a recipe for creating the same old relationship experience once again. Ask yourself, do you have the courage to change, to be more cognizant of the lacks you may feel within you, and do something about that? If you couldn't or wouldn't do that in a previous relationship what would give you the expectation that you will do that in your next relationship?
If you are going to be starting over, beginnings are a good time to get things right. Take time to look at yourself before you look at others; see what you really want, what you need, what you fantasize about. And get real. It is all too easy to trade a real relationship — which takes work — for a fantasy that takes no work at all.
How do you feel about yourself, when a relationship ends? That is precisely what you bring into your next relationship.
We all have relationships that come to an end, that are not in our control. But, in reality, none of our relationships is really in our control. We can't — and need not try to — control who remains in our lives and who leaves. Everyone has their own reason for being, their own needs and wishes, purposes and desires, and their own time in life. It is only an illusion that we can control who is in our life, how long they may be with us, or how they are towards us. All we can do is be as loving and true as we can be, and share ourselves authentically, so that if and when a person passes from our lives, we know that we have been true to ourselves and them. We can't do any more than that, and we shouldn't do any less.
People often come into our lives for a reason. Perhaps there is a reason why they leave, too. Live and love and share with others fully, so that you will not have regrets if it ever comes time to leave or start over.
All you can do is to be you. And realize, that is enough.