Personal Relationships
Lesson 7: Overcoming limiting patterns
1. What Are You Carrying With You?
2. Self-Destructive Behavior
3. Emotional Responsibility
4. Resentment
Exercise One
5. Addictive Behavior
6. Alcohol and Drugs
7. Forgiveness
8. What Does it Mean to Be Free?
Exercise Two
9. The Nature of Abuse
10. How to Be Free
Exercise Three
1. What Are You Carrying With You?
It is important to realize what you bring to a relationship, what you carry with you from your past experience.
The most basic thing we bring into all relationships with others is our relationship with our self. To the extent that isn't working for you, relationships with others won't work well either. Being aware of what you carry with you, and choosing to not have it negatively affect your relationships, is being responsible and considerate to whoever you may relate to. This is very different from merely declaring "take me as I am" — which is what most people do in relationships. People tend to find someone "special" who does not see, challenge, or bring any attention to their faults or weaknesses.
Here is a good way to think of your "weaknesses": not as weaknesses but as a way for you to learn, grow, and experience something more, something better. They are areas where you have a clear potential for being better, doing better, and being more fulfilled. And, it is better to deal with them than to try to ignore them, or else they limit you and your relationships.
Here is a brief listing of common limiting behaviors. In some way, all of these make us — or make us feel — less than what we are. They limit our sense of wholeness or completeness, our sense of worth or worthiness, and, as a result, the choices we make in our lives.
- abuse
- manipulation, control
- conflict, aggression
- possessiveness, seduction
- emotional overload, dumping
- cheating
- victimization
- anxiety, stress
- inhibition, withholding
- guilt, punishment
- role-playing, family patterns
- boredom, loneliness
- helplessness, submissiveness
- depression, apathy
- overweight
- smoking
- use of, or dependence on, drugs (including alcohol)
- other addictions (including gambling, sex, etc.)
- illness
If you do experience a pattern of limiting behavior, whatever it may be, realize that you have the ability to move past it. The creative energy that is tied up in the destructive pattern will then become available to you, to use constructively, in a way that is supportive of you.
Whatever has happened, whatever the cause, it is possible to move on from there. It is a choice you can make. And you can learn how.
Although we can provide some insight into things that may limit you, it is up to you to decide the level of help you may need. We, obviously, are not diagnosing or treating any psychological or medical illness; that is not our intent here. We can only provide information of an educational nature to generally support you in the choices you make, to deal with any problems you might have. If you feel you need professional or medical help, please get it.
What we are doing here is merely to bring these things to awareness, so that you can decide what you want to do. These limiting behaviors remain firmly in place unless and until you become more aware of them, rather than remaining in the common state of denial, so you can do something about them. It is entirely up to you. We can help you to see that there is a better way; we can give you hope or remind you of your own right to have something better for yourself. Maybe that is enough.
2. Self-Destructive Behavior
The first thing to know about limiting behaviors is that they really are self-destructive. They may be common or accepted in society (or in your own life), but that doesn't make them any less destructive. We mention this, even if you already know it, because a pattern of self-destructive behavior usually has an element of denial: you may tell your self it isn't that bad, or that it isn't bad at all, rather than telling yourself the truth. It isn't just you. Our society basically lives in denial — if you have a limiting pattern of behavior, you should know that you aren't reacting any differently than anyone else with the same pattern.
It is generally an emotional reaction or anxiety which feeds a limiting pattern of behavior. Emotions automatically trigger self-limiting patterns of behavior; the pattern is already there, a product of past conditioning or programming. The emotions supply the energy to activate the pattern — before you are even aware of it. And this can happen even if you are unaware of it. You may suppress the awareness of emotional upset via the habitual behavior, such as eating, drinking alcohol, smoking, and so on.
Self-awareness, being aware of your inner reality, is the opposite of denial. If you have any tendency to not want to deal with problems or the things that trouble you, you are probably making your self less aware. By being less aware, you may feel less hurt or upset or wrong. But, you also become less aware of how destructive the masking behavior may be. In other words, you make it "okay" in your mind, and perhaps, "enjoy" overeating, smoking, drinking, gambling, shopping, and so on. You cope, rather than getting free from what oppresses you.
This is how patterns of self-limiting or self-destructive behavior grow, until they become entirely habitual, conditioned, programmed into us. Then, we may not even question them, their effects on us, or whether they ought to be there in the first place.
Becoming truly aware of what the problem has been — acknowledging it, facing it and letting go of it — is the way to truly overcome it. On the other hand, denying the problem, reacting to what is wrong in the wrong way (emotionally), or possibly accepting the problem, is what allows it to continue to defeat you.
What is common to many destructive patterns is an oppressive feeling of being trapped or emotionally exploited in some way. This feeling of being helpless, overwhelmed, or hurt, is what you try to escape from (or deny) in a destructive pattern of behavior. You get trapped in programming and emotional reactiveness.
Limiting and destructive patterns are conditioned or reactive forms of behavior. They limit your creative responses to life, in your relationships with others and your relationship with your self. It is important to realize that destructive forms of behavior do not lead to fulfillment in life — ever.
This is a chance to come back to your real self and go beyond past limitations.
As you release your self from past conditioning and programming, your life will be more determined by you in the present moment and less determined by past habit patterns. Your relationship with your self and others will be far more progressive, and true to your self. And, you will feel more whole, inside.
3. Emotional Responsibility
Truth, love, purpose, goodness, creativity, peace, happiness, value, and meaning come from within. They are natural expressions of who we really are.
When we do not experience these qualities fully, it means that there is something blocking their experience within us. The two factors which do this are: belief and emotion. In our lives we take on limiting beliefs about ourselves, our worth, our potential, our capacity to experience fulfillment. Limiting beliefs tend to be self-negating.
What anchors these limiting beliefs are emotions, especially suppressed emotions. Our self-negating beliefs and our emotional reactions tend to "validate" each other. In the process, what gets invalidated is you.
Most of us, especially males, are never taught how to properly deal with emotions or limiting beliefs. We do the best we can, but without knowing how to get free from these influences, we most often "cope" by either being emotionally reactive or emotionally numb. Neither of these serves us. Emotion is a part of who we are in this world, just like ego. We need to recognize its presence, allow it to pass from us, and not be thrown entirely off balance.
You can think of emotion, like ego, as a movie that is playing just for you. It is for you to watch, and not get overly identified with. Like a movie, you might "get into it," but when it is over, you come out of it; you no longer identify with it. Emotion and ego are about you — they are not for anyone else's benefit. And, it doesn't help you or anyone else for you to dump your emotions on them, or drag them into your drama. People who are very emotionally reactive may feel "justified" in being emotionally expressive, but they only feel better because they are giving their emotions a chance to be released rather than suppressing them. But, they are not choosing to clear their emotions in the most responsible way. You don't need to dump them on anyone else.
Still, you need to clear emotions, or give them the space to be seen and felt, and released. Emotions are fluid, transient. The only reason they remain stuck with you is if you hold on to them, if you justify them, if you excuse them, if you believe in them, if you value them.
Rather, you need only notice emotions, and let them pass. Make believe they have given you a message, and now they can go along on their way. Don't resist them or try to suppress them; just see what they have to say, and let go of them. You will find that once they are felt, they will pass from you.
So, you have to be willing to feel emotions, to give them a space to be heard and then released. The more you suppress your emotions, or, the more emotionally reactive you are, the stronger emotions become. You need to find the midpoint, the balance point. That balance point is, not unexpectedly, your own center. When you are centered, calm, not emotionally reactive, you notice thoughts and feelings and let them pass from you. You observe them, they impart their message, and they pass. This is as it should be.
There are many processes for clearing feelings, but the simplest is perhaps to simply "be" with the given emotion. If you have some anger, feel it, and listen to what it is saying. You don't need to believe it, just listen. Feel where it is in your body. See how it affects your thinking. Don't act on it. Just watch it, like a movie, with characters, plots, themes, colors, and sound. When it has played out, it will probably simply leave. Or it may be replaced by another emotion, such as sadness, or guilt. Just "be" with that emotion as well. Feel it, and listen to what it is saying. You don't need to believe it, just listen. Feel where it is in your body. See how it affects your thinking. Don't act on it. Just watch it, like a movie, with characters, plots, themes, colors, and sound. When it has played out, it will probably simply leave. You probably get the idea. Emotions are fluid and transient; it is their nature to pass from you. Just give them that chance — without involving anyone else in the drama. You may think they are about someone else or something else, but your emotions are about you.
This is a very simple form of emotional responsibility, but it is very powerful. It is owning your emotions, your emotional reactions, and the choices you make regarding them. If you have never learned to do this before, you may notice that it feels as though you are in control of your emotions for the first time, rather than their being in control of you.
4. Resentment
Resentment anchors many self-limiting and self-destructive patterns of behavior. It is, in many ways, the opposite of emotional responsibility. Emotional responsibility is about handling your emotions in the present moment, when they present themselves, to give them space to be heard and felt — and then leave. Resentment is choosing to not let them leave. It is choosing to so totally believe your emotions and limiting beliefs, that you refuse to let go of them.
Resentment is a commitment to reliving the past, over and over. The nature of resentment is that it is the opposite of progress, freedom, and fulfillment. And, the more strongly you hold on to it, the less of those higher qualities you may experience.
The main reason to get past resentment — of anything or anyone — is that it defeats you.
If you have a habitual, limiting pattern, you will overeat, drink, use drugs, shop, smoke, or whatever, when something is upsetting you. You haven't learned how to deal with upset in the right way. We are never taught this in all of our "education." We are never taught how to respond to what is troubling us in the right way. Instead, we respond to what is wrong in the wrong way, in a way that defeats us or does not truly work for us. There is a better way.
Assume that you get upset. What if you got upset but didn't hold on to it, and learned how to let it pass from you? What if you didn't try to rationalize, justify, excuse, or validate your upset? You would find that you no longer perpetuated it. You'd get over it.
But, then you wouldn't get to feel "right." The extent to which we will go, as human beings, to feel "right" is incredible; people addicted to the worst drugs which are destroying them and their lives, will habitually turn to that drug to, as they say, get "right." When life is so totally out of balance, the things we turn to in order to feel "right" do not put us back into a state of balance. They merely perpetuate our imbalance, and shift our balance point out of our center into something else, someone else, someplace else. We lose our self in this process.
Resentment is similar to this. It is a form of emotional addiction. There is some emotion that makes you feel "right," and you keep going over it, again and again, trying to get "right." But, the more you do this, the more you are shifted out of your center, your place of balance. You make your self less, and make your feeling "right" depend upon someone or something outside you.
This is how you lose your self. And, this is how most self-limiting or self-destructive patterns are formed. You get used to being off balance, so often, that you think it is being balanced and strong and right, when it is not. You are reliving old emotions, sustaining old limiting beliefs about yourself, and choosing to keep rather than release the very thing that traps you or defeats you.
The first thing you need to know is that it does not work for you to hold on to resentment, and it does work for you to let go of it. If you have never learned this before, you may find that you are able to get free of things that have held you in their tight grip for the longest time.
Exercise One: If you wish, you can practice letting go of
resentment — when you are
not upset, so that it will be easier to do when you
are upset. Take a deep breath, relax, and close
your eyes. Picture a flame, like a bright, clear candle
flame. You will be using it to burn up any negativity or
upset that comes into your awareness. You can mentally place
the flame where you like, perhaps in front of you, or inside
your head, or in your chest where your "heart light"
is.
See the flame as being strong and clear, without any
flickering; let it grow larger if you feel to. Next, bring
to mind something that upset you, that you resent. Maybe
someone did something that you just can't let go of or move
beyond, which has you in its grip. Now, feed whatever images
or upset you have into the flame, to allow the flame to consume
it. Affirm that you are releasing it, that you no longer
wish to hold on to or justify your resentment, anymore.
Continue this process as long as you feel to. Let the
resentment — the desire or tendency to experience this
again — pass from you, for good.
Return to your calm, centered self. When you are
ready, you can open your eyes.
The simplest way to let go of resentment is to learn the process of getting centered and staying centered. Realize, the idea is not to suppress your strong feelings or thoughts, but to find that place of calm, centeredness, and balance within you — from which you can be aware of, notice, watch, feel, and let go of thoughts and feelings that come up. You give them a space to come up and leave — without attaching your self to them, without believing in them, without trying to prove or justify or rationalize or excuse or explain anything. You just sit, as you would at a movie, and see and feel what comes up, and let it pass from you. Do not hold on to it.
That will help you to deal with long-held emotions in a balanced and progressive way. When you notice further emotions come up during the day, deal with them as we described in the previous process: give them a space to be noticed and felt, and don't react to them negatively. Just see them as emotions — sensations you feel in the body. See where you feel them. And when you notice them, tell yourself, "I notice some _______ (fill in the blank, with "anger," "guilt," and so on)." Simply acknowledge the feeling, rather than suppressing it or overly reacting to it. And let it pass. It will. This may take some practice, but is something we can all benefit from learning.
5. Addictive Behavior
Perhaps you may have a "milder" form of addiction (rather than using drugs), which you might not even consider an addiction at all. If so, you may have a self-destructive or addictive personality, and crave what is not good for you.
You may have a junk food addiction, or a coffee, cola, chocolate, or sugar addiction, which can be damaging your personal health. You might have a shopping addiction, or a gambling addiction, and compulsively get rid of money. Romance novels, sex, and violence can be very addicting and supportive of fantasies.
You could even be addicted to watching TV, spending your life, wasting your life, addicted to it. Even if it's "free," you are still paying the price. You aren't abusing your self any less if the monetary cost is low — or if you tell yourself that it is good for you. Almost all addicts believe that lie.
Addictions feed illusions; so, you may enjoy your habit, and think it is okay. You may have a work addiction or feel compelled to do things to "perfection." Such behavior patterns can lead to divorce, or hurt or neglect your family.
Are you obsessed with, addicted to, or caught up in, anything?
An addiction involves a surrender to negative programming and emotion. Catering to emotions and ego gratification creates a foundation for many addictions. If you have a habit that consumes you or your life, it is an addiction — even if you tell yourself that you can be free of it whenever you want, or that it is harmless or enjoyable, or legal, or good for you. Try giving it up for a week. If you feel any withdrawal symptoms, such as anxiety, it is addictive for you.
Psychological addictions (such as a gambling addiction) are often as destructive to your life as drug addictions. What you abuse yourself with doesn't have to be obtained illegally. Most addictions are legal, but self-destructive, anyway.
All addictions are characterized by the loss of will, and the desire to escape from your self, your reality. In the process of acting out an addiction, you feel "better" only because you suppress your conscience and your guilt, and feed your pride, ego, selfishness, and delusions. You actually become very unaware.
Think about it. What have you given up your life to, your will to, your mind to; what escape from reality have you made your pseudo-reality; what are you addicted to: sugar, coffee, chocolate, cola, junk food, gambling, shopping, sex, violence, TV, religion, sports, money, work, pride, ambition, hate, apathy, "love"?
In an addiction, what you are suppressing is your own life. It doesn't matter if it "feels good" or if "everyone else" does it, or if it's only psychologically addicting or only physically addicting, or if it's been legally prescribed to help you get "up" or "down." An addiction is an increasing denial of reality.
If you are using something, habitually, repeatedly, with no end in sight or even considered, which whips up your body, mind, or emotions — even if you happen to think it's really just okay — you have addictive behavior. You are seeking escape from life, and denying your own true thoughts, feelings, and desires.
What you think is taking you higher is actually, at every step, taking you lower. You may even get addicted to the "up" and "down," the excitement or the intrigue — it can feed ambition and ego. But, whatever you are addicted to, you are enslaved to. You have no will in relation to it. It runs you.
It doesn't matter what you are addicted to; the very act of addiction is what diminishes you. You begin to serve something that cannot truly serve you. In fact, whatever you are addicted to, you hate — you do not love it. You cannot love what enslaves you. It is suppressing the life, light, and truth in you.
An addiction remains an addiction even if — especially if — you accept it. It doesn't work to tell yourself that just because you aren't using heroin you don't have an addiction. Addiction to anything is self-destructive. It is something you have given up your power to, (even if you prefer to deny it).
If you have this tendency to escape from reality into ego-supporting, or self-destructive self-delusions, your awareness of what is right and good and true will be diminished. And you may accept addiction and negative programming, more.
6. Alcohol and Drugs
In an addiction (and dependence is the first stage of an addiction), there is a lack which is felt deep inside, which you may attempt to relieve or escape from by using drugs or alcohol. What happens is that you escape from your real self into non-self, from reality into illusion, or from illusion to a greater illusion.
Addiction is a programmed behavior, arising from and producing a loss of self. It begins with a feeling of lack inside. Some trauma or wrong influence may have caused you to fear or deny the hurt, suffering, guilt, or anger within you. Using drugs or alcohol is a choice to relieve or compensate for that feeling of lack, to relieve the symptoms, rather than to solve the underlying problem.
Do you use alcohol or drugs? Perhaps you feel strong or confident, or have a feeling of pride or control, when you use drugs or alcohol. Maybe you feel that it will add something to your life, that it will make you "more," or ease the pain of feeling you are "less" than you could be — or because you resent what you have become. The false reassurance which drugs or alcohol provide must ultimately disappoint you because it is a lie; dealing with the wrong in this world in the wrong way only makes you more and more wrong. No one can win that game. This is the real source of pain and conflict within you.
There is so much negativity, emotion, egotism, and programming bombarding you from the moment you are born, that it is hard to resist it all. Many people give in to it. The alternative is to learn to overcome negative programming, by a process of breaking free from the deceptions and illusions that bind you.
The illusion of addiction is that you are getting free, while you are really getting enslaved; rising above the problem, while the problem is really burying you. You don't always see this because your awareness is drastically reduced and entrapped by using drugs or alcohol — or maybe you just don't want to see.
The true inner nature is defeated when you fall for the self-destructive illusions of this world. Drugs only help you to do that better. Using drugs or alcohol is an attempt to alter your mood, your feelings, and your relationship with others and the world. Whether you are aware of it or not, this choice always comes from a place of lack, not strength. You only use a drug because of the feeling that something is somehow missing, or wrong, in you.
It takes a great deal of courage to admit that this is so, and secondly to do something about it. You have to get rid of the self-negating programming, emotional reactiveness, resentment and weakness which lock you into addictiveness.
See the trap, the trick, the lie, the illusion, for what it is — not as the salvation or comfort it pretends to be. Realize the need to truly be free from negativity, self-delusion, ego, emotion, resentment — and not just deny it.
"Just saying no" doesn't work, because of the strong conditioning or programming to do what feels good, what is "cool," whatever takes the pain away, whatever gets you accepted among peers, whatever feeds your ego. It is a much better choice to learn how to be true to yourself. You have to break the habit of falling for illusions, reacting in the wrong way (especially emotionally), compensating for feelings of failing with ego, and using drugs or alcohol to mask the pain and inner conflict.
If you use drugs you have already given up your power. You come from a place of lack and you end up in lack, and along the way you lose what really matters. You lose work, you lose loved ones, you lose purpose in life, you lose touch with a higher reality, you lose your self. Your vision gets very, very narrow.
The truth is, reality just isn't as hard as being an addict or an alcoholic. It is better to deal with problems than to play out a more painful and unnecessary drama of self-destruction. When you have an addiction you may be the last person to find out, because you deny it, justify it, rationalize it, and accept it. You tell yourself that it's just a little, it's good for you, you need it. If you feel "good" and "right," when you are not, you are only suppressing your true conscience.
Addiction is giving in to negativity — what negates you. Using drugs is never a strength, no matter if you tell yourself that you are strong or in control. There is no safe escape in addiction, whatever you are using. It suppresses your very life, your consciousness, your self.
Addiction is based in denial; it is a way in which you are not telling yourself the truth. As a result, you may have a hard time telling others the truth, too. This inability or unwillingness to be honest with yourself or others causes relationships to not work. Perhaps, if you are in such a situation, you haven't known that, or known how to have things work. It is never too late to learn.
7. Forgiveness
If resentment is a choice to hold on to the hurts and pain that others may have caused you in the past — because you have every reason to — then forgiveness is a choice to let go of them, even though you have no reason to.
We will give you a reason to forgive: forgiveness sets you free.
When we speak of forgiveness, we are not talking about rationalizing, justifying, or excusing anything that has been done to you. We are simply pointing out that holding on to hurt is not a workable way to get past it. There is a better way. You can let go of the hurt without having to excuse someone from the wrong they did (whether they truly wronged you, whether that was their intent or not, or whether it may have only been in your perceptions).
For the sake of letting go, it doesn't matter if you were intentionally wronged or not. Assume that you were completely wronged, intentionally, in the worst way. Even then, you need to be able to forgive.
What you forgive, what you cannot let go of, is your own hurt. You may choose to think of yourself as so totally wronged that you deserve to have that hurt. And no one can tell you otherwise. But, if you think about it, isn't that self-defeating? Even if they are no longer there, you keep doing it to yourself, hurting yourself by holding on to your hurt.
Wouldn't you rather be free?
Forgiving someone does not mean you excuse them, or that what they did is okay.
Forgiving is simply saying to yourself, "I choose to release myself from this hurt. I choose to let go of my hurtful reaction. I choose to be free."
It may take a bit of further explanation to convince yourself that it really is worth it to forgive someone, that you aren't somehow letting them off the hook or putting yourself down. First, realize that you do not have to ever tell anyone that you have forgiven them; that is not necessary. You simply have to do it, within you. Next, realize that since you do not need to tell anyone that you forgive them, you need not have any expectations about how they would react. They aren't going to react — or try to make you wrong — if you do not try to convince them of your point of view, or tell them that you forgive them. Realize, the person need not even be alive anymore, for you to forgive them. Your forgiveness is entirely by you and for you.
Finally, you need to actually forgive yourself for things in your own life, things you might regret, mistakes, hurts you may have caused others, whether you knew better or not. It has been said that being ignorant and doing something unintentionally is an excuse for our behavior. We would prefer to say that if you had known better, you might have done better. But, you didn't, did you? So, it makes little sense to blame or judge yourself. And, if you can see how totally wrong you might have been, and admit it, doesn't that mean you wish to know something better now?
So, you can forgive yourself for everything you have done wrong, too. You do not have to ask for anyone else's forgiveness, and you do not have to convince anyone else of your sincerity. That is something in your own heart. But, if it helps, you can do a visualization exercise, where you close your eyes, center yourself, and when you are ready you can bring to mind a person you wish to be forgiven by, and see yourself asking for their forgiveness. You might cry. You might feel more free. It is entirely a process you do from your side, within you; don't hold the expectation that anything will be differently outwardly. It is enough that you reconcile your own heart, although in some cases, it may be necessary to make amends.
Forgiving yourself is not a replacement for discernment. It doesn't mean you can do anything you want, ignore what is right and wrong, and then simply forgive yourself. That is not forgiveness, it is foolishness and avoidance of responsibility. Forgiveness or not, you are responsible for your actions and their consequences. Forgiveness doesn't change that. It simply acknowledges that you have learned how to move on, and that you are willing to do so.
Forgiveness is not an excuse to allow someone who may have hurt you to hurt you again. Too often people "forgive" those who hurt them, and this includes battered women, only to be hurt again. That is not what we mean by forgiveness. If you are in any kind of situation where you are still being hurt in any way, you need to consider how to get out of that situation rather than learning to put up with it by being "forgiving." That is not forgiveness, it is denial.
Forgiveness restores you to greater wholeness in your self, and makes you more, not less.
If there is anything that you cannot forgive, anything that you just can't let go of, realize that it is worth your while to learn how to let go of it. Holding on to what hurts you, only hurts you more.
Forgive for no reason other than that you wish to be free already. Do it entirely for your self.
Honor your self enough to get past anything that would put you down or keep you down. You deserve much, much more than that.
8. What Does it Mean to Be Free?
Whatever robs you of your freedom, or the ability to be wholly and truly your self, can be found within you — it is not outside you. It is in you. And, so, you have the power to change it.
What if you did not depend upon anyone or anything for your own sense of wholeness, for your sense of purpose, for the meaning you find? What if it didn't matter what anyone else thought of you? What if you chose — moment to moment — to do what you felt was right, good, and true? What if you chose to do that, rather than what you like, what is easy, what makes you feel good, what makes you fit in (or rebel)?
What if you could simply be you?
That is what it means to be free.
It has very little to do with what you do; it is about what you are.
Being free is a quality of "being."
Once you realize that it is your own true nature, to be free, and you know that nothing of the outer world can ever make you less free — without your permission — you will know what it means to be free. You realize freedom is a choice you make. It is a state of mind. It is a place of peace, self-determination, and independence within you.
Are you using your free will to remain in bondage, dependent, addictive, disempowered?
Do you think money is the source of freedom? If so, then you have given up an essential quality of your inner being for some external compensation or reward? Is that truly being free?
Do you think that being free to use alcohol, drugs, and so on is "freedom" rather than a form of bondage?
Do you think that freedom is the ability to remain in your own little world, in denial of a greater reality?
Do you think you are more "free" if you drop out of school or are unable to commit to a relationship?
Do you think you are no longer free if you care about your life, if you feel it matters, if you feel you are here for a purpose or can make a difference? You are not any less free; you are simply aware of what it means to have a sense of inner worth, a sense of responsibility, and a place to stand.
Exercise Two: Take a moment to consider where you are in
your life, in your relationships with others, in your
relationship with your self. What traps you? What keeps you
from being free? What unspoken thing runs your life? Is
is fear? Guilt? Disappointment? Hurt?
What are you telling yourself frees you, when it does
not? What are you doing to try to distract yourself from
hurt, disappointment, upset, pain?
Ask yourself, if you had a chance to return to who you
truly are, in purity, innocence, love, peace, and joy, what
would you need to let go of or leave behind? Are you willing
to do that? What does being free mean to
you?
Freedom exemplifies the choice to overcome what oppresses you, to find a way to be true to your self, without undue compromise. None of us is entirely free in this world. Life is a compromise, and, certainly relationships require some degree of compromise in order to best serve the needs of both people. But, freedom is a quality of being, something within you, that you may be persuaded to give up — yet it is not lost from you. You can reclaim it.
9. The Nature of Abuse
Abuse is a violation and diminishing of the self. It reduces our sense of self, our sense of self-worth, our personal power, our finer feelings, and, sometimes, our capacity to love.
Abuse is epidemic in our society. It can ruin people's lives when they are unable to get past the damage that was done to them. Some people cannot ever love, trust, or open up to a relationship partner because of what they suffered previously, whether as a child or later on.
There are no easy answers to the problem of abuse. Certainly, if you have issues related to abuse, you may find it of value to seek professional advice and counseling.
We will discuss abuse to provide some perspective on the possibility of getting beyond this problem, because we believe it is possible to get past just about any problem. There is a better way to hold it, let go of it, get past it, release your self from it, or deal with the suffering — because suffering is inherently foreign to our nature. We are not made to suffer. We do not have suffering in our nature, in our spiritual essence. And, it is possible to get free from whatever is not truly a part of your self, your spirit.
That doesn't mean you can forget (or even, perhaps, forgive) abuse. The memory may remain, but the consequences need not run your life any more. Because we are able to make choices in the present moment, here, now, we can find and make better choices, choices which allow us to move forward, to no longer relive, re-experience, hold onto, or resent the past.
We can find that power, here, now, regardless of what we may have experienced in the past, because the past basically does not exist any more. Yesterday does not exist any more. Ten years ago does not exist any more. The past is, literally, past. We can find ways to let go of the past, constructively, to bring our power and consciousness and choice into the present moment, and be free.
What we need to seek is to return to wholeness of self; this does not depend upon anyone outside of you.
As hard to understand as it may be, abuse is most often done to "loved ones" who seem to be held in the relationship, tied to it; the abuser thinks that they will not or cannot leave. An abuser sometimes even thinks they are "loving."
The one who is abused may have the same thoughts: that they cannot get out of the abusing relationship, or that they are being "loving" by staying. The one who is abused may also feel guilty — as a result of resenting the abuse, feeling they are the cause of it, that they deserve it, or for merely wanting to leave the relationship. There may have been no way out at the time.
But that was then, and this is now. The past no longer exists; its hold is illusory; its power is not real.
Return to the present moment. If you are holding on to resentment, you need to know: resenting a limiting or self-destructive pattern of behavior only keeps you locked into the past. Resenting, contrary to what you may have thought, takes away your power, and displaces you from your center. Resentment takes away your self. Give up resentment now.
Resentment, of your self or others, robs you of your self and breeds inner conflict and upset feelings. Resentment means feeling justified in keeping your feelings — whatever they may be — rather than getting past them, and letting yourself be healed. Learn to make more loving, healing choices towards your own self, now. It is never too late.
10. How to Be Free
Getting free from — overcoming — whatever unduly limits or negates you or your relationships, takes some attention.
You have to:
- learn to be centered, and practice it daily
- learn to not be emotionally reactive
- practice clearing your emotions, and releasing resentment
- practice forgiveness
- make choices that are more right, good, and true to you, and
- find meaningful, constructive, creative, purposeful use of your time and energy.
Not being reactive means not holding on to inappropriate or ineffective responses to people and situations. It means not having — or letting go of — any judgment or resentment that may come up in you. Not being reactive means you are free to act calmly and powerfully from your center, in the present moment. It does not mean suppressing your emotions or turning them on yourself.
This actually requires no great effort, no force, no analyzing, no rationalizing, no excuses, no trying to make things be a certain way. Rather than resenting not being able to control something outside you, you just let go of your own negative reaction, within you. You remain in your center, and you do not leave there no matter how you are tempted by anyone or anything.
Limiting and destructive patterns of behavior are built around activated or suppressed emotions, feelings of lack of self-worth, low self-esteem, fear, anger, hurt, sadness, and guilt. Such patterns feed on old feelings that you would probably want to get rid of anyway.
Emotions automatically trigger self-limiting patterns of behavior; the pattern is already there, a product of past conditioning or programming. The emotions supply the energy to activate the pattern — before you are even aware of it.
A limiting or destructive pattern of behavior repeats itself as long as you keep suppressing these feelings or acting them out. The feelings you have may need to come up and out, and be released, cleared, and healed. Be aware that you are not those feelings.
Exercise Three: Perhaps there is something that you do
not want to upset you any more, but which does. Maybe there
is something you wish to express, here, now.
You will be writing a letter in which you will say
whatever you feel you need to say, and then you will burn the
letter. You may wish to prepare to burn the letter even
before you write it. For example, you might wish to burn it
in a steel pan on the stove, and have a cup of water close
by. (Use your own good judgment here, as to how to do this
safely.)
Take a moment to be aware of what has upset you, and what
you want to say or express, here. Write whatever you want
to. If you find it helpful, you can imagine yourself saying
what you wrote to the person you would want to say it to.
Use whatever language you feel to. This is a chance to let
loose, let go, and get free.
When you are finished writing, you may wish to read the
letter aloud, and let the emotional energy pass from you.
Finally, when you are ready, burn the letter, safely. As the
letter burns, affirm that you are free from what has oppressed
you, that you can move forward now. Affirm that you are more
whole within you, now. Mentally see yourself as pure, clear,
wholly alive, and free, now.
Sometimes, all that holds a limiting pattern of behavior in place is an unexpressed or unacknowledged emotion. And, all the emotion needs to do, is find expression and leave. You can release any upset feelings and the associated thoughts that keep playing in your mind. This is the way to break the pattern.
If you do experience a pattern of limiting behavior, whatever it may be, realize that you have the ability to move past it and clear it, now. Your energy which is tied up in the destructive pattern will then become available to you, to use constructively, in a way that is supportive of you.
As you release your self from past conditioning and programming, your life is more determined by you in the present moment and less determined by past habit patterns. Your relationship with your self and others is more progressive, and true to your self. And, you become more whole, inside.