Personal Relationships

Relationships are a way of knowing your self better in relation to others. Your most basic relationship is the one you have with your self. Do you recognize your own best qualities, and can you bring them forward in relation to others? Do you recognize the best qualities in others? Do you know how to deal with the issues that come up in relationships, which tend to bring a relationship down instead of raising it higher? Do you know how to work with, live with, share with, and be with others, in a way that really works for you — and them? These are things we can all learn better and benefit from in our lives.

This is the basic outline of the course:

Lesson 1: Your relationship with you
Lesson 2: Learning to love yourself
Lesson 3: How to be with others
Lesson 4: More successful relationships
Lesson 5: Relationship problems
Lesson 6: Understanding needs
Lesson 7: Overcoming limiting patterns
Lesson 8: Issues and answers
Lesson 9: Lasting relationships
Lesson 10: Review

The goals are to:

be more aware of how your relationships are working for you, or not

learn to come from a place of love, peace and joy, within you

learn to deal with your feelings, properly

recognize self-negating patterns of behavior, and get past them
and desires
develop a true basis for lasting, long-term relationships.

Lesson 1: Your relationship with you

Introduction
1. It's All About You
2. How Relationships Work
Exercise One
3. Attraction
Exercise Two
4. Let's Make a Deal
Exercise Three
5. Discernment
6. Meaningful Relationships
7. Getting Personal
8. Are You Happy?
Exercise Four
Exercise Five
9. A Changing World
Exercise Six

Introduction

Welcome to the course in Personal Relationships. We are all in a relationship with people in our lives. We determine what relationships mean to us, what their purpose or value is, and how we think or feel about them. We make these choices all the time, consciously or unconsciously.

In this course we will learn to be more conscious of the way in which we relate to others, and the way in which we are shaped by others. We will consider what we bring to a relationship: our expectations, feelings, beliefs, wishes, and desires — and how we think of ourselves in relation to others. As a result of being more aware of all of these things, we will see how to make better choices.

This course will give you a chance to move forward, to have more fulfilling relationships now. You'll understand your real needs better, learn to deal with feelings, and move beyond self-limiting patterns. You'll see how relationships work, and how they can work a lot better.

You may find it helpful to write down your thoughts, insights, or experiences in a notebook or journal.

Note: The purpose of the course is to make you think, to be more self-aware, to gain perspective, and to learn how to apply universally applicable principles to situations in your own life. What's different about these courses is that there is no "fluff" or stories about other people, no facts to memorize or "top ten" ways to make everything in your life perfect. Be aware, your comfort zone will be challenged. For some, the material may seem like common sense, something you already know but have yet to practice. For others, the realizations you make will be profoundly transformational. As in life, you decide its value to you.

1. It's All About You

Your relationships are really about you.

Sometimes we tend to think — and feel — that relationships are about the other person, that a relationship is about what the other person is saying, feeling, thinking, desiring, or doing. Well, not really. That is certainly a consideration, and something we may be aware of. But, we do not live to satisfy other people; of course, they do not exist merely to satisfy us, either.

On the most basic level, we are here to be who we are. We are not to be molded, shaped, defined, manipulated, or controlled by others — to take our identity from how others are to us, what they think of us, or how they feel toward us. None of that is, really, our business; and it isn't anything we can ultimately control, either.

Our first duty, in relation to anyone else, is to be true to who we are. We are responsible for that. We need to know who we truly are, and act that way.

No one else "makes" us the way we are. No one else makes us think or feel the way we do about ourselves. We already have that — those thoughts, feelings, and desires — within us. We already have our judgments about ourselves, which we carry with us. We have our own self-concept, and we find ways to manifest or express that, consciously or unconsciously. We choose how to be (or act) in relation to others, just as we choose how to be in relation to ourselves. And those internal choices greatly affect how others are towards us — outwardly.

For example, if we have low self-esteem, we may have relationships in which we either experience low self-esteem, or find a way to bury or compensate for those feelings. If we don't know who we really are, inside, neither will anyone we relate to. If we don't have peace, love, and happiness within us, we will not be able to bring them to a relationship. If we have unresolved feelings of guilt, anger, or upset, those affect how we are towards others and how others are towards us.

Your relationships always come down to you. And that is a good thing. Because that is always something you can do something about.

You can only work one side of a relationship: your own.

You can only change one thing: you, your own experience, the way you relate to others.

People have their own inner nature, desires, intentions, agendas, purposes, or goals. Sometimes they may agree with yours, other times they simply do not. You need to be aware of that.

If you imagine that you can change someone to suit you — to meet your expectations or demands, to satisfy your desires — you are missing the point entirely. Relationships are an opportunity to step out of that egotistical, selfish, immature, unsatisfying place, and come more into a place of authentic self, giving kindness, maturity, and self-satisfaction. This is, of course, the opposite of what you may have "learned" in relation to others, in the media, in the incessant messages to "get what you want when you want it."

A common fallacy is that everyone is here for you to get what you want from them. The truth is, no one is here for you to get or take what you want from them. No one. Others are here for you to find what you have to give of your self — not to take from them.

This may seem far too simple or obvious, but it is fundamentally true: other people are not here to be the way you want them to be; they are here to be the way they want to be. You are here to be the way you want to be. If two people are in agreement, compatible, or mutually supportive, fine. If not, don't even think of trying to change someone else to be the way you want them to be. That is a losing game.

In the simplest terms, your life needs to be an expression of who you are, within you, rather than a reaction to how others are, outside you. Ultimately, you need to know that you can experience what you are looking for, within you, rather than mistakenly trying to find it or get it from someone else.

2. How Relationships Work

The things we "learn" in our lives about how relationships work, often do not work for us. Our models for relationships, especially in single-parent families, with painful divorces, are models of failure not success.

We often choose to be with people who are similar to us in some way, usually to reinforce our own self-concept, similar social conditioning, mutual programming, common thoughts, feelings, or desires. We think that this makes us more of who we are.

Though it may be comforting on some level to be with others who are like us, who reinforce our social conditioning or accept our behavior, that does not necessarily allow us to grow — or to come closer to who we truly are. In other words, typical social interactions do not create a space for authenticity, but more often favor the acting out of habit, programming, ego, emotion, illusions, and desires.

Two people can meet, and notice a kind of similarity or possible compatibility, common interest, mutual goals, shared feelings, common thinking, or mutual desires. When they choose to act on their perceptions, interpretations, and desires in relation to each other, they develop a personal relationship. But, that doesn't mean they have any idea what they are really doing.

Generally, we want what we don't have, what we feel we are missing or don't have enough of. If we feel we already have something, we may no longer want it. We may start to look for something else. Basically, we look for what we feel we lack inside us. Though not necessarily the best way, this is the way relationships usually work.

Exercise One: Briefly survey your relationships. What are you looking for, what do you want? Is there a common thread to what you experience in your relationships? What do you usually feel when you are with people close to you? What influences how you feel with different people? What do you wish to experience in relation to a partner, spouse, friend, peer, or relative?

People who "support" us in our programming, social conditioning, and desires or ambitions, are generally thought to be "good" for us. Those who challenge our beliefs, our comfort zones, our position, or our self-concept, are usually interpreted as being "bad" for us. Of course, this is often the exact opposite of what really is good for us; so, it is important to look at how you define "good" and "bad."

When we don't know how to find what we need within ourselves, we go off in search of what we need in others. We imagine they have what we need and will give it to us. But, that simply does not happen. No one can give you what you need to find within you, what you are lacking within you. You have to find love, peace, happiness, wisdom, and wholeness within you. Those things do not come from someone else.

People are generally attracted to external appearances, personality, the physical body, career and financial standing, social status, cultural assimilation, socialization — rather than the deeper or authentic self. They rarely see the authentic self, because few people express their true selves. We act as we think others want us to be, how they expect us to be, or how we might impress others. More often than not, we look to the outer markings of, for example, social standing. Our perception often stops there. We don't look deeper, and neither do others. We are all so much more than we act as, socially.

We all bring our illusions to our relationships, and the false hope of satisfying them through others. That is why so many relationships do not really work: illusions don't work in reality.

What works is: coming closer to reality, truth, love, and connectedness — within you. Remember, you can only work your side of a relationship. Anything you expect to get, imagine you are getting, or believe you are getting from another person might disappear at any time.

Often, people who are acting as someone they are not — whether out of ego, wanting to be in some social clique, or because they don't really know who they are on a deeper level — connect with other people who are doing the same. They project an image they think will get them what they want, and this charade is played out, consciously or unconsciously, act after act, by both parties. You can see this in insecure teenagers, in bars, in sexual behavior, and in abuse with drugs. The ways in which we accept or open up to other people — and their influence upon us — are not necessarily in our own best interest. Two of the most recognizable "connections" people experience are mutual desire, wrongly interpreted as "love," and mutual programming, wrongly interpreted as "being alike," "being cool," or "being in love."

Trying to find what you lack in yourself, in others, only results in greater illusions. And it doesn't help if two people have the same illusions, same programming or same desires. Rather than validating who they truly are, they merely prop up their mutual illusions, until, as they say, "the honeymoon is over." They wake up one day and say, "What was I thinking? What did I imagine I was seeing? Where did it go? How come I never saw the reality, the truth of things? What was I seeing?" The answer is: illusions. This happens in intimate relationships, business negotiations, the educational system, the political arena, virtually everywhere.

Unfortunately, our society, the media, and popular role models teach us how to have relationships that do not work. And, we become so unaware, so programmed to do as we have learned from others, that we go about it all wrong, believing we are all right.

Very simply, if your model of relationships comes from the media or typical social programming, you may be looking for what you want in all the wrong places. Realize, you can find a better way of being and relating with others — which actually works to create lasting, fulfilling relationships.

3. Attraction

Our parents, friends, family, culture, and the media, all influence us on a subtle level, and we are often not even aware of it. We may be attracted to a certain body type, a certain type of personality, someone who may be a lot like us or unlike us. Usually, when we feel an attraction, we interpret it as being "right, good, and true" for us. But, attraction is not always a reliable indicator of whether someone is right for us.

It would be nice if everything and everyone we were attracted to was good for us. We could eat all the ice cream we like, drink all the beer we want, play all the video games we want, and satisfy every impulse, urge, compulsion, drive, desire, want, or "need," and be happy. But, would we really be happy? Would we really have what we ultimately want, what would satisfy us? Not necessarily.

Basically, we do not necessarily want, attract, choose, or accept what is best for us. Think of what people often do in order to "feel good," no matter how self-destructive that behavior might be, especially when they are addicted to something. Extreme neediness is wrongly interpreted as some sort of promise of ultimate fulfillment, when it is in fact the opposite. We want what we want, regardless of the larger consequences or ultimate effect on us or our lives.

The question we need to ask ourselves is: What are we attracting, and attracted to, in our lives? And what "needs" are we satisfying? The most obvious level of attraction is the most external, gross, physical level, but attraction can also be more subtle, psychological, emotional, or spiritual. However, attraction, desire, and emotion are not necessarily accurate measures of real need. Being willful, selfish, or ambitious about what you want is not the solution — it is part of the problem.

There is a saying: "like attracts like." But, like often repels like, and opposites often attract. Two similar poles of a magnet push away from each other, finding no attraction. Two opposite magnetic poles — two people who are unlike or even opposite in many ways — are pulled towards each other. They may feel a sense of attraction to what seems to be quite unlike themselves.

This is why good girls are attracted to "bad boys," and why good boys are attracted to "bad girls." We want what we don't have, or what we feel we are missing.

We desire what we are programmed, conditioned, or made to want. Emotional reactions and desires do not come from a place of greater truth, goodness, or rightness within us. Realize, emotion and desire are not an accurate indication of what we need or what is right for us. And, fantasizing about what we desire isn't a solution, either.

Exercise Two: This is an exercise in awareness. Allow yourself some time to be with the following questions. Sit with them, and be aware of the thoughts, feelings, and desires that come into your awareness.

Questions: Take a moment to think of a time when you may have been attracted to someone. What feelings came up? What did it feel like in your body; how was your mind affected; how was your behavior affected? Where did you feel the attraction; what part of you was being pulled or drawn to them? Was there a feeling of lack in you, that you felt they could fill? In what way? What do you want in a relationship partner that is similar to the way you are? What do you want in a relationship partner that is different from the way you are?

We may be attracted to a person who has the same qualities, nature, programming, or energy as someone else in our life: perhaps our mother or father. The person may not look the same as our mother or father, but they may play a similar role, cater to the same self-concept we have, uphold the same illusions, match the same level of self-esteem, or meet the same "needs." If a parent has been absent in our life, for whatever reason, that leaves an impression on us, too. We may find ourselves in a relationship with someone who is also "absent" for us: emotionally, physically, psychologically, or spiritually.

The limiting patterns of behavior we "learn" in life are like magnets for attracting a person who can play out the other side of the pattern. For example, if we have been abused, if we have low self-esteem, we may attract someone who will continue to perpetuate that limiting pattern for us, who may mistreat, put down, or even abuse us. We may wonder how this happened — the person may not have appeared to be that type, but all of a sudden, there we are, in the same old abusive pattern. We have been shaped that way on a subtle level, and found a matching piece to our puzzle.

The reason there are so many traumatic, hurtful, distressing, and demoralizing divorces, is that we see others through the filter of our own illusions, and when those illusions leave, we leave. We never even get close to what our true self wants or needs. Instead, we merely act out our ego, emotions, and limiting or destructive patterns of behavior — as does our relationship partner.

A child is shaped or conditioned by their parents' behavior, attitude, energy, thoughts, emotions, desires, and expectations. As an adult we need to go beyond that. It is just too limiting, whether we are conditioned to accept the same comfort and security, or perhaps, neglect and abuse.

Physical and sexual attraction are the least significant aspect of adult relationships. The more you are fixated on these physical factors, the less likely you will find any deeper level of honesty, caring, sharing, or love.

The more you imagine you are getting what you need from someone else — someone who sustains your need of them — the less likely you are to find what you really need within you. As time passes, you may feel frustrated in not getting what you really need, from others.

In reality, you cannot get what you need within you from someone else, no matter how attractive they may appear to you, or you to them. It is often a delusion, self-deception, or fantasy that they will somehow fulfill you, or you them.

4. Let's Make a Deal

Popular "authorities" say that relationships are about negotiating the best deal you can, and that's how to make them work. We are here to tell you that a true relationship has nothing whatsoever to do with negotiating a deal, or trying to get the other person to give you what you want — especially when they don't want to, or when they don't have it in them to give.

A relationship is an opportunity to aspire to something more. Relationships have nothing to do with getting anything from anyone. They have everything to do with getting what you need — finding it — within you. Loving relationships are not based upon negotiating getting what you want from someone. And they are not about two people agreeing to love each other as they are — by seeing no wrong in each other, or by putting up with hurt, abuse, or other misery. It's not "Let's Make a Deal."

Yet, nearly all relationships are entered into and perpetuated by mutual agreement. There is some agreement as to what you expect to get, what you are expected to give, and how you will decide whether the conditions of the agreement are being met. Of course, in most cases, this agreement is usually unspoken, and remains on the level of the sub-conscious.

The most common agreement is: "I want so-and-so from you; you want this-and-that from me. If you give me so-and-so, if you'll give you this-and-that." That's the deal, and it applies in nearly all relationships, not just marriage. Do you know what deal you have made in all of your relationships? Of course there are compromises in relationships, but even more important are the things that you take for granted, just the way they are, day in and day out. They shape your life.

You may find it of value to examine the nature of the everyday agreements you have in all your relationships. You may be amazed to see what, exactly, you have signed up for — which is often exactly what you are getting. The truth is, if you are in or remain in any relationship with anyone — including those who are related to you by birth, marriage, or biology — you are in agreement with the relationship. You are agreeing to get what you are getting out of it, and you are agreeing to put into it what you are putting into it. Of course, the agreement is just as real if you are getting nothing out of it, or putting nothing into it, or being hurt. As long as the relationship exists, some kind of exchange, some perception of value, exists.

Exercise Three: Briefly survey your relationships, especially the closest ones. Make a list of each important person in your life, and for each person determine the agreement you have with that person, which defines your relationship. Elaborate upon your description of the agreement — whether it is spoken or unspoken, acknowledged or not. Determine the underlying agreement between you: who is getting what, in exchange for what? What do you find of value; what is real; what is lasting; what is superficial; what is fantasy or illusory?

Finally, put yourself on the list, and determine the agreement you have with yourself. What are you agreeing to, what are you putting up with, what are you moving towards, where are you going in that relationship? Are you relating to your own authentic self, or just an ego image, or fantasy of who you might be?

Many people hold on to agreements that do not honor their true selves, and remain in relationships in which they give and get little of real value. That's their deal. The agreement is an unspoken way to avoid facing the discomfort of personal growth, facing the truth, or searching within themselves to find what they need.

Realize, you have the choice to break with any agreement, any relationship, if it does not truly serve you, especially if it is hurtful, abusive, demeaning, malicious, violent, or belittling. Anything else is compromising your self.

Rather than agreeing to love someone just the way they are, the agreement needs to be: "I love you to the extent that you have and demonstrate love, goodness, and respect. I do not love or accept anything abusive, hurtful, or demeaning of me or anyone else." Your agreement must be to accept what is right, good, and true, and to reject what is not. That is the only agreement you need have with anyone.

Loving and accepting someone as they are is an agreement for them to continue to be exactly as they are, no matter how abusive, even self-abusive, insensitive, or violent they may be. Not only are you giving them permission to continue to be that way, but you are giving your encouragement and support. That is the nature of your agreement.

How you are towards yourself, and how you "teach" other people to be towards you — by your attitude, appearance, words, and behavior — defines your relationships. People read those signs and act towards you as you consciously or unconsciously expect them to, positively or negatively.

You have the power to change the nature and quality of your relationships; you always have your self to work with: your perceptions, choices, awareness, feelings, and understanding. Change what you are doing from your side, and others will relate differently to you. Be more of who you are, and you will find others who see and appreciate you for who you truly are.

5. Discernment

Most people are not very discerning; they are creatures of habit. The most basic discernment between what really works for them as opposed to what doesn't, what is truly positive and uplifting versus what is not, seldom enters their thinking. They do not see the larger picture, or realize the far-reaching effects of the choices they make, daily.

They generally think, "I can do whatever I want." So they kick back with their favorite brand of beer, watch television, play computer games, look for sex, and so on. They do what they are used to doing — what they are programmed, conditioned, or expected to do — whatever doesn't seem to have already ruined them or their lives.

They eat foods that they like, without concern for their physical health. They watch various forms of entertainment, without concern for their mental and emotional health. They don't pay attention to their spiritual well-being or lack thereof. They just do what they do because they are used to it, they like it, and they can. And, this is how they deal with their relationships, too. It seems that people fall into and out of relationships, without a second thought. Something as far-reaching as a decision to get married is often made in haste, and may be regretted for many, many years.

Isn't there a better way?

Clearly, some things really are better for you than others, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. And it makes a difference what you choose, do, or act out — especially in relationships.

In fact, every single thought, word, feeling, and action of yours makes a difference, to you, and to the world in which you live. If you don't think so, you have lost sight of your personal power, your personal responsibility, or your sense of worth.

Everything is not equally good or fun or right. Refusing to see the difference, is the basis of most self-destructive patterns of behavior. It is called denial. Maybe you tried to fit in, maybe you rebelled, maybe you found it easier to take your direction from others, or from things outside you. That is how you give up your power. Your true power — the power to choose — is not about which brand or label you prefer, or merely doing whatever feels good or is fun. It's about why you are making the choices you are, and how you could choose something better. And that don't mean a more expensive alcoholic beverage. Becoming a "gourmet" or "aficionado" of alcohol, tobacco, drugs, shopping, and so on is not the solution. It is the problem.

So is mistaking emotion as a nurturing or progressive force in life. It is not. You need to be more discerning than that, to see what truly works for you and what does not. Ego and emotion make you less, even if you imagine they are making you more. Learn to separate the substance from the shadow. Giving up ego and emotion and upset is a choice you make.

Emotions are not a state of being. Your inner being has permanence; it is stable, lasting, grounded — the true inner qualities of peace and happiness are not transient. These qualities reflect the depth of your being, who you really are. Emotions are like superficial, surface waves of living, no matter how "strong" they might seem. It is important to learn to not identify your self with your emotions, or your ego. Relationships based on emotion or ego are generally superficial, transient, and unfulfilling.

The true self knows better; it wants what is right, good, true, and lasting; the ego wants what it wants, now. Being true to the self can be terribly boring to the ego, which craves excitement, or a false sense of being "more." You may need to learn how to stand firmly in the face of many false, destructive influences that may besiege you: drugs, alcohol, sex, materialism, prideful ambitions, thrill-seeking, wrong relationships, or desperation.

To break self-limiting patterns, stop identifying with the ego — either the inflated feelings of superiority or deflated feelings of inferiority which it produces. Do not allow yourself to accept negative, self-destructive programming, and the negative emotions which feed it.

"Negative emotions" usually refers to anger, fear, sadness, guilt, jealousy, and upset. But, clarity as to what is right, good, and true can be overshadowed by any emotion, including so-called "positive" emotions, such as emotional love and joy. The more aware you are, the clearer you are, the more you will perceive ego and emotion as more of an illusion than some kind of higher truth.

The truth is, some things, some people, and some relationships are right, good, and true for you, and some are not. Ego and emotion can draw you into exactly those relationships which are least good for you, because they cloud your judgment, excite you, and feed your fantasies. You "see" what isn't there, and fail to see what is.

When a relationship is good, it can be really, really good. And when it is bad, it can be really, really bad. It is worth learning to know the difference — what is right, good, and true for you — before a relationship goes bad or ends.

6. Meaningful Relationships

Did you ever love someone who didn't love you? It's a rather common experience. The meaning you give to a relationship may not be the same meaning the other person finds in it. Basically, your relationship with others — or the world-at-large — can mean just about anything you want it to mean, whether your interpretation is accurate or illusory. Given our respective perceptions, thoughts, feelings, and intentions, a relationship can mean something entirely different to each person.

This raises the question: how do we know whom we might share our lives with? How do we know who finds real meaning in being with us? If we do not know how to find true meaning in ourselves, or how to share that with others, we may find ourselves in relationships that seem "meaningless" or do not last — and wonder why.

Feeling good when you are with someone may be a start, but it isn't everything. We live in a complex interrelationship with everyone and everything around us — we each provide the meaning and value in our own lives. We decide who and what matters to us. And, we decide what purpose a relationship is to serve.

Often, our relationships support us in being who we think we are, rather than to know who we truly are, on a deeper level. This is stagnation, not progress; comfort, but not growth. Instead of facing or dealing with our weaknesses, we find someone who will overlook them. In the same way in which so many people live in denial, they find relationships that help them to live in denial, too. They seek someone who will see no wrong in them, or who will overlook it or accept it.

We react to each other on subtle levels, not just on the most superficial levels of behavior. We interact on the level of thought, feeling, energy, perception, and desire. And we attach meaning to our interactions with people (everyone) based upon what we have experienced in the past. We project our past experience, understanding, emotions, and desires onto people we may be involved with now.

Instead of coming from a place of inner connection with truth, love, peace, and understanding, we tend to react in the most conditioned, habitual, controlled ways. Instead of acting as our true self, we often act from a place of ego and emotion, willfulness, wanting, and desire. And that leaves us unfulfilled.

Most people use their relationships as a way of reinforcing their self-concept, their social conditioning, and their programming. It is much better to think of a relationship as an opportunity to rise higher, to actually become a better person, and to know your self better.

As we will see, relationships in which each person more fully knows who they are, inside, and gives of themselves, are most workable. Relationships in which each person only seeks what they can get from the other person — even when it is called "love," or when it is by mutual agreement — are not very fulfilling or workable.

The larger purpose of relationships is to love, to learn, and to grow. Love is not a "fix-all" for wrong relationships; neither is compromising with what is wrong, or selling yourself out for the sake of "harmony," approval, or cooperation.

You always have your own side of the relationship to work on. Your responsibility is to learn to come from the right place in your own self, and thereby establish a proper relationship with others. This takes true discrimination or discernment and practice. You need to be aware, and not merely be controlled by habit or emotion.

It takes a certain level of conscious agreement, a meeting of minds and hearts, to have a workable, long-term relationship. That is something you have to work at. "Meaning" is something that unfolds, evolves, and grows; it is not a static definition or state. You know if a relationship is meaningful to you or not — "meaningful" is not a bad word; neither is "commitment."

7. Getting Personal

In our society, people take things personally that are not personal; and they treat things that are very personal, impersonally. People engage in sexual relations and treat it as nothing personal; but, if they get cut off on the road by a stranger, they take it very personally. They get enraged over things that don't mean a thing, and remain totally unengaged in the most personal relations.

It is common to get close to someone, or to "hook up" with them, only to use them, and then move on as if nothing meaningful occurred. Maybe nothing meaningful happens in many relationships, but making people or things meaningless in our mind — even acts as personal as sexual relations — only makes us oblivious to the truth, insensitive to others, and incapable of understanding what "meaningful" or "commitment" means.

In our fast paced modern society, people seldom take time to relate to strangers, or care to open up to them. They may, perhaps, exchange niceties, and move on. But, they cannot be said to have a "personal" relationship with such persons. This is a choice people in our society make, with their limited time, attention, energy, or interest in other people.

In our increasingly egotistical and self-absorbed society, people are often not really interested in someone unless they can satisfy some "need" or theirs, or prop up their self-image. So, they tend to be rather impersonal in their relationships with everyone other than a small number of people that they get to know better in their lives, or that they care for.

The thing to realize is that you can be more conscious about the interactions you have with people — regardless of whether you are "in a relationship" or not. You would be surprised at the number of times when you may have had no outward or conscious intentions towards a person, but they took your words, actions, or attitude personally.

Of course, much of what happens in relationships is unspoken, or unacknowledged. We might see someone we would like to know, and say nothing. Or we see someone who reminds us of a person we once knew, and our opinion of them is fixed before we know anything about them. We see how a person presents herself or himself, their appearance, clothing, posture, and attitude, and we make a decision on some level whether they are someone we wish to know or not.

Most of this occurs automatically and unconsciously, and is the result of prior conditioning, enculturation, programming, ego, emotion, desire, and fantasy. When we see someone, we are looking through the filters of our own past experience. The energies, desires, and interest that surface in the present moment often have a long history attached to them, along with a certain set of expectations.

There is usually a point at which we move from a sort of impersonal, unconscious, instinctual reaction, into a more conscious, thinking, feeling, and willing relationship. At least, consider that the goal. Some people never "get real," but live in relation to their fantasies about others, their image or illusion, rather than who they truly are — or who the other person really is.

There is a "risk" in getting "real" with anyone, most notably that your expectations will not be met, or that you may be hurt or disappointed.

Some people "put themselves out there," finding meaning or value in relating with nearly everyone. This is rare though. Most of us have a small set of acquaintances, friends, peers, and family with whom we tend to interact, and we reserve our attention for them. We walk through a world of strangers and make little attempt to get to know people we see or meet.

A kind word to a person — whether they are a friend, family member, peer, co-worker, or stranger — can have an enormous effect. Perhaps they haven't been acknowledged or appreciated much in their life or for their efforts; maybe they are in a bad mood and have lost sight of the better things; maybe an unexpected smile or acknowledgment from you will help them get in touch with the greater good in them. You never know how far your influence will reach. Perhaps they will feel good about themselves and make a different career choice, based on a momentary flash of greater self-esteem or acknowledgment. Maybe they will decide to go into a helping profession because they realize how much it means to them to help others, too. Or maybe they will simply be kind to someone else.

8. Are You Happy?

Are you happy with your self? With others?

How much of the time are you happy?

Are you unhappy with your self, or with others?

Are you aware of how this affects the quality of your life?

Exercise Four: Take a moment to be with your thoughts and feelings. Then, complete the following sentences.
I am most happy when ...
I am most loving when ...
I am most at peace when ...
I am most fulfilled when ...

Do you have a sense of how much love, peace, or happiness you have in your life?

Did you complete the sentences in terms of your relationships, perhaps with a parent, child, spouse, pet, friend, God — or did you complete the sentences in terms of things of the world?

Do you make the qualities of love, peace, or happiness dependent upon anyone or anything outside yourself? Do you know that you can find more of those qualities within you, and simply be more happy, loving, at peace, or fulfilled? That you don't have to wait for something from someone, to allow yourself that experience? Are you aware that you could live from a place of love, peace, and happiness in the present moment rather than the future (or past)?

When we speak of happiness we do not just mean the emotion which comes and goes, which is dependent upon how others are towards us or what we may be experiencing outwardly. True happiness is a quality of the inner being, not emotionalism.

We all want to be happier and more fulfilled in relation to ourselves and others. There is a better way to be, with your self and with other persons. It is a matter of accepting responsibility for who you are, how you are, how you interact, what you say and do — even what you think and feel. And, it means learning to love your self, to know your self, to be your authentic self in relation to others, consciously and joyfully. If there is anything in the way of this, you can learn how to get past it, here, now.

We're here to help you to step out of illusions, onto the true ground of your being, so that you can deal with everything and everyone from a place of greater confidence, understanding, stability, balance, strength, love, and compassion. We're going to help you to get in touch with what really works for you, and get past what doesn't.

In the process of becoming more aware, you'll begin to notice a change in the way you look at people, at your self, at the world. And, as a result, your sense of who you are, what you need, and how to have it, will be very different from how it has been. You will learn how to have what you need — love, honesty, appreciation, validation, respect, openness, and peace — regardless of how anyone is towards you. You will learn to find those qualities, and express them, from within you.

If your experience of relationships is less than fulfilling, you need to know that you can experience more fulfillment. If your experience of relationships is already fulfilling, perhaps you can experience more fulfillment.

Usually this means learning to find happiness within us, with who we are and what we have, already. At other times, we might need to make different choices in our relationships.

If we truly wish to be happy, there is no excuse to be with anyone and be unhappy. Unhappiness is not the price you pay for having made poor choices in the past; it is the price you pay for choosing not to make a different choice now. This doesn't mean you are happy all the time, or with everyone. Some situations and relationships preclude the possibility of happiness. But, you have a choice of how you wish to be in relation to others.

You have the power to choose. Peace, love, and happiness are qualities that can be found within you — which do not depend upon someone else. If you don't know how to find these qualities in you, or you haven't been able to find a love that lasts, realize there is a way.

Do you simply want to be happier with your self? Or do you want to experience more true, lasting, loving relationships? There is a way.

Exercise Five: Consider how happy you are in your relationships. Are you happy or unhappy? Are you able to be with others in a way that is true to you, in a way that validates and supports all that is good in you? Be aware of the difference between having what you truly want, and not; having true love, and having illusions about love; living in a place of love, peace, and happiness — within you — and not living that way. What gets in the way of the experience of love, peace, and happiness in you?

Take a few deep breaths, and be aware of your feelings. If you wish, you can close your eyes. Bring to mind a moment in time when you felt really good. Picture yourself being that way and feeling that way, now. See yourself living in a place of love, peace, and happiness. Be aware of or sense what that might be like. Picture yourself feeling that way when you are with others, now.

Finally, ask yourself how you will go about that. How will you make that real, for you? What do you need to know, learn, or do differently? What different choices do you need to make? When you are ready, you can write what you experienced or realized. (in 200 words or less)

9. A Changing World

Over time, we are becoming increasingly isolated in our society; family structures and social structures are breaking down. It seems that we often have little time for the myriad things that demand our attention, including our relationships (and our children).

We live in a fast-paced, technological, media-based society. We each live in different "worlds," drawing upon vastly different perceptions, experiences, interests, belief systems, information, ideologies, goals and desires. Two people coming together is literally a meeting of two different worlds. Sometimes they meet and harmonize, sometimes they conflict or bounce off each other.

Your "world" is the constellation of thoughts, feelings, desires, and influences that form your perceptions, your experience, your choices, and your behavior. Consider the way in which you shape your world, your life, your experience. Very simply, you decide who you would like to have in your life, your personal relationships, your world.

Your thoughts, feelings, desires, choices, and personal interactions are all tied together, and one of them can change all the rest. For example, a strong emotion can entirely change your thinking, your beliefs, your desires, or your behavior. In fact, your perceptions can be shaped this way, too. You see things differently based upon the various factors influencing you at any given time, which changes, from moment to moment, day to day.

The way we make sense of our world is by finding continuity, by perceiving the underlying continuity of our existence, by interpreting that things are the same now as they were a moment ago, or by imagining that they will continue to be the same a moment from now. If things change too quickly for us, this is by definition stressful. We need a sense of stability and security in our world, in our lives. However, we cannot eliminate stress by trying to make our world unchanging.

The problem is, we try to keep things "permanent" which should be changing, or which need to change, unfold, flow, develop, or improve. We hold on to the way things are as the way they should be. We develop habitual thinking and behavior to solidify the way things are for us, and are no longer able to perceive or respond in a different way. This keeps the greater part of creativity, growth, and love out of our lives. We continually settle for what we have, and our world of possibilities shrinks over time, as does our vision, our sense of place in the world, what we have to offer to others, and what we find of value in our selves.

Also, we let things be transitory which should be more lasting, especially relationships. Some people change relationships as readily as they change fashion; they cannot seem to make anything last, and so they develop a "style" of relating which keeps others from getting too close, or which is based upon things as superficial as sex, physical appearances, and so on. This also keeps the greater part of creativity, growth, and love out of our lives. Surely, relationships are not to be changed as readily as one changes fashion. There is something deeper there, in relation to a human being, which differs significantly from an article of clothing.

In order to understand how you relate outwardly to others, you need to be aware of the way in which you relate, perceive, interpret, judge, and respond internally. In other words, you need to realize what you are telling yourself about your self and others, especially the ways in which you acknowledge or invalidate your self or others. You make these judgments all the time, consciously or unconsciously; they are the basis of "first impressions."

Our subjective impression or interpretation of what we experience, rather than any kind of objectivity, determines how we relate to people. What we perceive in others, and how we interact with them, depends upon what we value in our selves. Relationships are an opportunity to expand your world, grow, and allow change in a creative and progressive way. The more you grow, the greater will be the understanding of your self and others, the willingness to share who you truly are with others, and the capacity to love.

Exercise Six: This is an exercise in awareness. Allow yourself some time to be with the following questions. Sit with them, and be aware of the thoughts, feelings, and desires that come into your awareness.

Questions: In what ways do you live in your own private world? In what ways do you share your life experience with others? How might you include others, in a meaningful way? How might you allow change where it is needed? What do you see in your relationships that you would like to move beyond? What do you want to experience in relation to others, now?

Once again, relationships are not about getting what you want from others, but finding how to give of your self, so that you have more of what you are giving. This is the basic principle of relating. It is how you experience the qualities of love, peace, and happiness within you — without making them dependent upon anyone else, or "getting" them from someone else.

You will find, when you live in accordance with this principle, that your world grows; you begin to meet people with whom you have something deeper in common. Your world meets theirs, to support or uplift or improve it — something better is created, between you. You step out of your "comfort zone," into a place of greater caring, loving, giving, sharing, mutual understanding and growth.

Lesson 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Next

Jesus is ...