Managing Your Self

Lesson 6: What isn't working for you?

1. Are You Serious?
2. Comparing Yourself With Others
Exercise One
3. Habitual Thinking
Exercise Two
4. Habitual Behavior
5. Conditioning
6. Programming
7. Illusions
8. Inhibition
9. The Shadow Self
10. Ego

1. Are You Serious?

Creativity often involves hard work and dedication, but excessive seriousness — in which there is little or no element of creative play, freedom, openness — can be stifling to creativity. In creativity, the whole idea is to allow and be receptive to something unexpected, something which stirs you, something which feels uplifting to you. This is a true joy. It is not very easy to creatively participate in anything that lacks true joy or inspiration for you.

When you are excessively serious, you feel a need to control every detail, to avoid disappointment or something unexpected. Creativity vanishes. Creativity needs space, degrees of freedom, a willingness to completely change your focus or perspective, or to let things develop at their own pace, innocently.

There has to be a kind of freedom, a lightness of spirit, in which to express your self creatively; creativity is an act of joy. Excessive seriousness only narrows your vision, reduces your awareness, and lets you be "happy" with your results in a limited context. It is the ego which gets stuck in seriousness, which is excessively goal oriented, and which has little tolerance for the simple free flow of creativity. If there is no joy in what you are doing, you are doing something wrong. Do something different.

Excessive seriousness — if you do not have a real smile on your face — may mean that you are looking more at how things don't work, than how they do work for you. This can be self-negating, or close you to many wonderful and creative possibilities.

You are conditioned as you grow up and live in the world, by influences which do not allow, support or encourage the expression of true creativity. In families, society, governments, institutions, and organizations, there is a common type of programming — to never question or disturb the status quo, to resist change.

External conditioning and programming govern and mold your behavior to the will of others, such that you internalize self-limiting or self-negating influences. By allowing yourself to be conditioned, you negate your inner self, and habitually limit your thinking and actions. Over time, you become incapable of having a truly original or creative idea. Your thinking becomes shallow, habitual, and mundane.

Negative programming includes any attitudes, beliefs, feelings or thoughts you have that are limiting or defeating to you. Be aware of the thoughts you have in your conscious mind. Recognize any thoughts you may have that begin with "I can't ...," or "I don't deserve ...," or "I would ..., but ...."

Be aware of what your thinking is rooted in, what it owes allegiance to, what its source is. If you want more creative results, you need to think differently. Understand the need to go beyond what you already accept, believe, or are limited by. Be aware of resistance to change, within and outside you. Question everything. Things are seldom as they appear.

Creativity is not just the act of producing some external tangible product, but a process of overcoming internal blocks to true self-expression. Freeing yourself from conformity will help to reveal inner conscience. Give your self the space to truly be free, and discover your true creative abilities.

2. Comparing Yourself With Others

It is a common tendency to compare yourself with others. You may do this either to gain some perspective on yourself, or more likely, to see how you measure up to them. This is limiting in itself, but more so if you have strong programming to conform to other individuals, to be like them, or to be accepted by them.

Peer pressure is one of the most self-limiting forms of conditioning. If you "sell out" or try to "measure up" to others, you may receive the rather dubious reward of becoming just like them. But, somewhere in the process you lose your self, your inner-directedness, your own purpose, and your own self-validation. The true measure by which you can determine your worth — and the value of your creative self-expression — has nothing to do with comparison or conformity, and everything to do with simply honoring the highest within you.

Each person has unique channels of creative energy open to them; everyone has different and varied expressions of creativity and intelligence. So, forget everyone else, and everyone else's abilities, and look within. Draw from within your self, and have the courage to be your self regardless of others.

Discover the self-validating internal framework for creative self-expression, on a deeper level of your being. Unfold your talents and abilities — your self.

Fear of criticism or disapproval is an example of negative conditioning which is learned as you are growing up and trying to fit into the world. You are shaped by others' ideas, attitudes, and beliefs — and their pressures to conform. You give in to fear, or internalize externally-derived self-limiting programming.

A person may conform so as to get approval, and learn to "behave" so well that they continue to conform within narrow boundaries, even when it is not necessary or appropriate. This is often done subconsciously, automatically, habitually. Any emotional reaction or resentment continues to lock you into this behavior.

See and recognize fear for what it is; it is just fear, emotion, negative conditioning, a habitual reaction. It is not the way you need to live your life, and it clearly must not override your choice to do what you know to be right.

If you value what others say more than what you know to be right in your own self, your self is diminished. Then, other people have their way with you. Face your fear, and do what is right anyway. You need to develop free self-expression.

Insecurities or inhibitions indicate a fear of: risk-taking, failure, rejection, disapproval, or change. Such guarded reactions indicate a lack of familiarity with the process of creative change or your own true inner creative strengths. Rather, you need to be open to change, and act on what is progressive and right.

The thing that holds you back — doubts or fears — is what you leave behind when you accept and allow creative change. From this process of creative growth comes greater security, creative freedom, and empowerment within your self.

Exercise One: This is an exercise in awareness. Allow yourself some time to be with the following questions. Sit with them, and be aware of the thoughts, feelings, and desires that come into your awareness.

Questions: Think of a time when you compared yourself with another person. What does it feel like in your body, when you do this? In what ways have you felt insecure, sought approval, or given in to feelings of worry, doubt, or fear? What does criticism or judgment by others feel like in your body?

Now think of a time when you did not care what others thought of you, or how others saw you, when you just did what you felt was right for you. How did that feel in your body? Think of how it feels to be creative, free, self-confident, and what better choices you can make that way.

Getting past insecurities or inhibitions doesn't mean giving up your conscience or what you know to be right. There is nothing "creative" in feeling free to do what is not right or good. You have to overcome the self-negating emotional nature of insecurities — not give in to them. Only then can you do what is right.

You overcome insecurity by finding the courage to act, by breaking out of the trap of fear and self-doubt, by doing what you know to be right. Creativity means leaving behind the "safety" of familiarity, for the relative uncertainties of something new or unknown in your experience. What you stand to gain is something more than what you started out with.

3. Habitual Thinking

Your perceptions and interpretations in the present moment may be largely determined by what you have experienced in the past — sometimes, entirely. What happens is that your cognitive habits and your beliefs shape your perceptions, and amplify, distort, or even deny what you are aware of. This usually has the effect of narrowing your perceptions and reducing your awareness. As a result, you begin to "see" what you prefer to believe, and not what is so. This is the source of most mistakes of the intellect, and mismanagement in many areas of life. It also produces the very common experience of "living in your illusions." A person might deny it, or be unaware of it, but often what they imagine to be "real" or "true" — what they value out of habit — is often very illusory. Illusions never have any value, no matter how invested you might be in them.

Habitual thinking reduces your awareness, and effectively keeps you using only a small fraction of your mental potential. The release from habit, conditioning, and programming is part of the solution to every problem — to be more conscious. Problem solving which simply uses the intellect to prove what you already prefer to believe, cannot introduce any greater awareness into your situation. You need to wake up within your self, in your consciousness, and apply new insights in your life. Waking up to what is so, "seeing the light," and experiencing realizations within your self, is the real basis of problem solving; it is the basis of effective action, too.

When you deal properly with the here and now — not out of habit — you sever your connection with limited thinking and reactive behavior from the past. You come out of your illusions and delusions, habits and conditioning. Dealing properly with the present moment frees you from carrying over the limitations of the past into the future. You will find that you can actually see more clearly, as if veils of illusion are lifted from before your eyes, and you will perceive real options for the future, truly creative options, with clarity of vision.

The most true, original, and creative thoughts tend to be those which are not in agreement with everyone else, but which are in accordance with true inner conscience. The most important part of thinking is always to connect with your inner conscience, the part of you which knows what is right and good and true. The last thing you should ever want to do is to learn to think like everybody else, no matter how authoritative, official, or controlling they may be. You do not need your mind policed by others, but you do need to discriminate, your self. Do not let anyone else decide your truth. Learn to think for your self.

Preconceived ideas, old feelings, and compulsive desires predispose you to being governed by the past in the present. By observing your thoughts, feelings, and desires, objectively, you heighten your awareness, separate your self from the problem, and come closer to the truth in you. This is discernment. And this is how creativity, change, and appropriate responses (solutions) arise — out of greater awareness in your self. Remember, you must have a willingness to see the truth of what you are doing wrong so that you may also see the truth of what is right. This requires greater humility, and less ego pride and emotion.

Exercise Two: This is an exercise in awareness. Allow yourself some time to be with the following questions. Sit with them, and be aware of the thoughts, feelings, and desires that come into your awareness.

Questions: Think of your day. In what ways do you go on "automatic"? When are you not "present," because you are being habitual in your thinking or actions? What happens to your consciousness — your sense of self — if you go through the day without being conscious or paying attention? In what ways could you pay more attention (or care) to what you do, rely less upon the same old habitual choices, or more freely express your inner self? How do you feel in your body, when you discontinue or break an old habit, do something entirely new, or choose to hold your own truth?

Many people are unfamiliar with the experience of having an open mind, receptive to new and creative ideas. They may feel discomfort or anxiety when asked to truly open their minds — to break the habit (or apparent security) of relying upon the same old thoughts, or thinking in the same old narrow context. For example: try telling someone what they don't want to hear, or what they don't want to believe. You will — if you quietly observe and remain aware in your self — see a spirit of denial, resistance, and doubt in them which is born of the habitual ego. The ego "protects" what it prefers to believe or be aware of, from what it prefers to not be aware of. Study this phenomenon well; it is the basis of how we form, define, protect, and operate within our own "realities." This self-limiting habit of the ego causes you to believe wrong impressions.

Notice how your thoughts, feelings, and desires seem to "prove" or validate your impressions. What happens is that you bring up old thoughts, old feelings, and old desires from the past — as a means of interpreting your present experience, as a "confirmation" of your beliefs. This gives you the impression (i.e., it literally calls up past impressions you have filed away) that things are the way you believe they are. In this way, your perceptions defeat you, habitually produce thoughts which conform to your old beliefs, and override the truth. Contrast this with the more creative experience of detaching from old ideas.

Discomfort in being creative is common. You have to actually go against your past and present conditioning or programming, habit, physical-emotional resistance to change, inertia, self-doubt, or the common fear of upsetting the status quo.

Stepping out of the bounds of approval-seeking behavior, or acting contrary to your own familiar mind set or others' ideas, can be painful or disorienting.

4. Habitual Behavior

Many people have the self-negating tendency to act out of upset, rather than to release it. Accept responsibility for your self, and the need to respond to all situations appropriately. Do not give in to, or act out of, wrong influences.

Otherwise, you may become conditioned by external pressures to acting wrongly, find yourself unable to do what is true to your self, and suffer the further consequences of guilt, shame, self-rejection, and loss of conscience. In this way, your ability to respond ("response-ability") diminishes, as does your initiative.

Not wanting to see how you have reacted improperly in the past diminishes your awareness, now; you see things in a lesser light, and react accordingly. Inappropriate reactions produce anxiety, tension, and upset feelings — these are only symptoms, not the problem or solution. See through such false reactions.

Instead of "re-acting" habitually, "act" creatively. Break through the physical-emotional resistance to change. Let the higher mind lead; overcome the habit of reacting improperly to external conditions — inside you. And be truly free.

We often "re-act" out the past, and seldom freely act creatively, no matter how much pride or satisfaction we may have in our actions, no matter how much others may approve of or reward our actions. When we base our actions upon an external system of expectations, rewards, pride, and ambition, we lose touch with our selves, our inner direction, and the means to manage well in our lives. External conditions come to govern our behavior; we are stymied in our self-expression. We become answerable to the expectations of everyone else, but not our selves.

The more we come to depend upon everything outside us to tell us what to do, to dictate how we respond, the more we lose touch with our own inner knowingness and the ability to see clearly for ourselves. We may even be too proud to admit that others run our lives, work, and relationships. We react, get upset, make excuses, and even deny our behavior. Gradually, reacting replaces thinking.

We let others do our thinking for us: the government who makes all of the most far reaching decisions for us, the media, the authorities in all fields, such as business, law, and medicine. They tell us what to do. Life has become so complex that we don't know how to get our own answers anymore. And in relying upon almost everything and everyone outside ourselves, for our own answers, we become a product of everything outside us — we lose our center, we lose our self. Then, every kind of outside pressure, expectation, demand, or influence has a very great effect upon us; and we react in ways that are not necessarily in our own true interests, or the best interests of others.

Most of us have been invalidated in our self, and habituated to a lack of self, in many, many ways, in life, work, and relationships. We have internalized outside pressures, expectations, and demands, and externalized our selves; we have lost our inner creative vision, our own creative purpose in living, and become displaced from our selves. If we deny it, or try to compensate for it, or develop the ego, we actually lose more of our selves. We become less aware within our selves — and yet continue to act from there. This is the essence of mismanagement. Self-management means coming back to the inner self, and no longer accepting the external mechanisms of conditioning, programming, and reactiveness which have for so long governed our behavior.

5. Conditioning

Conditioning is a behavioral mechanism whereby any repeated influence tends to breed acceptance of that influence, whether it is rationalized, resented, welcomed, or denied. Conditioning causes self-adaptation, habitual reactions, unawareness, loss of choice, loss of self-determination or self-responsibility, and loss of a true sense of self. Over time, conditioned behavior — no matter how socially "accepted" by you or by others — begins to dominate in your actions. Present moment awareness, creativity, and a true sense of purpose or inner-directedness diminish drastically. And, you are not aware it is happening.

Habit, conditioning, and programming often rule people's lives — there is little real awareness. Most people are creatures of habit at the basis of their interaction with the world; they are not very well prepared to face reality, do not know how to manage very well, and handle change poorly. They develop habits (conditioning) as a way to operate in the present moment, relying on the past. The present becomes a product of, or structured in, or even a replay of, the past, in all areas of life, work, and relationships. People go through life in bondage to their past choices, and very rarely feel the creative power to make very great creative changes in their lives, or in themselves, in the present moment. What is lost in life, as you become conditioned to experiencing and reacting in the same way, over and over, is your true self and true awareness.

People are predictable because of their habits and conditioning. The effects of conditioning include habitual or uncreative thoughts, habitual or reactive feelings, and habitual or egotistical desires. These are really ways of denying the self, responsibility in life, and reality itself. When conditioned behavior patterns (which are like old records being played over and over again) are broken — you become free, clear, and conscious in the present moment. And, you can act from there. Otherwise, you live in bondage to the past, constantly replaying and reliving every limiting choice you ever made. This effectively keeps a person using only a small fraction of their real potential. Conditioning makes you less aware, creating problems in all areas of life, as well as a variety of habits to "cope" with those problems. The release from habit, conditioning, and programming is part of the solution to every problem. This means becoming more conscious and free.

It is admittedly easier to act out of habit or deal with change in a habitual way. Facing reality is sometimes painful — if, for example, we are in denial, suppressing our real feelings, ignoring our higher thoughts, or failing to find our true purposes. It can be uncomfortable to face the truth or question everything in our lives. We experience internal resistance, which may feel like pain, and therefore limit our choices and scope of action.

What happens in life is that many of us get good at handling those areas which we wish to deal with, and we get even better at ignoring those areas which we do not like to deal with. In both cases, we become more and more conditioned in our thinking, feeling, and desires. We become creatures of habit; we begin to run on automatic, in a predictable pattern, not noticing that we are getting locked into habit — and locked out of truly original and creative action. And as we "succeed" in managing in one area of life, the rest of our life is facing diminishing returns. We lose the ability to even see what is truly in our own best interests, or we let our behavior be dictated by external events, demands, and pressures. In conforming to the demands of our environment, we become more conditioned, more programmed, and less in touch with our inner self. We lose the natural ability of self-referral — we lose awareness in our own self, and the ability to truly manage. This is the painful reality which must be faced, if you wish to once again learn how to act in a way that is true to your own self.

There is the very real possibility that you have been conformed to the world, to the way everyone else thinks, behaves, acts, and feels, what they desire, what they believe, and what they expect of you — very little of which may have any real meaning or value to your own true self. You cannot find your self, or learn to manage your self, by referring to your prior conditioning, programming, training, or past patterns of thinking. You have to relearn the process of self-referral, and discernment — and begin to truly think for your self.

6. Programming

Programming is any form of conditioning of the mind, such that you automatically act out the behavior associated with those thoughts, ideas, feelings, or will. It is a way of being acted through by others, or of accepting their influence mindlessly. Programming works by displacing you from your true self, or by creating a false sense of self, such that what you do — your choices, your behavior — is in accordance with that external programming influence. By their very nature, programming and conditioning are self-destructive; they reduce awareness within the self, and they destroy a true sense of self. The majority of people, especially the more highly "educated" ones, have been so thoroughly programmed by external authority that they have almost no ability to truly know anything within themselves. This includes most experts and authorities. They simply do not know what is true; they honestly know very little from within themselves.

Programming replaces understanding. Most people, even though they are unaware of it or would deny it, have been totally programmed in what they "understand" by others — by their family, by their education, by their peers, by their society, by their culture, and by the media. In the process of being programmed — being conformed to the thinking, feelings, desires, and will of others — they have lost any true self they might have once had. They have lost so much awareness that they only rely upon external authorities, and know little from within.

Instead of truly knowing anything within their self, by a true process of self-referral, people generally refer everything in their experience to their programming, to "see" if it is true. They have little self to refer anything to; they have only conditioned behavior, programmed mind, and a false ego identity that does what is has been programmed to do (whatever rewards it with pride and approval). Realize, such ego-based, conscienceless, unaware people are not necessarily "losers" in society. On the contrary, they are often found in very high positions of authority, where they are in a position to program and control others — including those who do have true inner awareness and conscience.

Most people are so unaware that they allow themselves to be programmed, or never question their programmed reactions. As a result, they are unable to discriminate, to discern what is and is not so. Most people do not know what truth is, within them. Instead, their perceptions and understanding, and their very thoughts, match their programming. They believe their programming and programmers, unquestioningly — the higher the "authority" the more mindless they are in accepting it. There is a cycle in which programming feeds the ego-emotional nature, produces greater pride, and then a greater receptivity to further programming. Even good-intentioned people are caught in ego-emotional programming. Ego, by its very nature, deludes or misdirects the self, allows greater self-destructive programming, and diminishes awareness of reality.

When you are programmed (just as when you have been conditioned or indoctrinated), you develop a loyalty to your programming — you are not aware enough to realize you even have a choice; you are locked into a mindset, thinking you really know something, imagining you are "aware." No matter how acceptable your programming might become to you, you lose the ability to know what is right, good, and true within your self, and become conditioned to following your programming. Rather, become more aware of any and every choice you make to accept the desires, will, or agendas of others. Look within your self for the real truth of things.

Programming is an enormously effective trap which gives an illusion of freedom (freedom from having to think for your self), an illusion of a real self (the ego), and an illusion of truly knowing (pride). This, in reality, traps, programs, and destroys the true self in all beings. Inner awareness diminishes in accordance with external programming. Most people are unaware that programming to pursue a path of ego gratification, pride, ambition, power, and delusions of grandeur, destroys the self. They are unable to discriminate between the life of the self and the life of the ego. This is literally a life choice, a choice which determines the entire direction of your life — and the substance of your life, work, and relationships. Realize that programming causes you to habitually choose form over substance, illusion over reality — the comforting lie over the harsh truth.

7. Illusions

Most people live in a world of illusions, a rather fragile bubble which may be pierced by reality or the truth at any moment. This world of illusions is structured out of conditioning, programming, the expectation that things will continue to be the same, and denial — any truth which is upsetting can just be denied. These influences separate you from truth within your self and give you illusions instead, illusions which you may cherish, believe, live and die for.

What anchors illusions is the ego — which reflects your investment in every illusion and erroneous impression you have ever experienced in life, especially about your self. It is like mistaking your shadow for your self. Many people live their entire lives with no true sense of self, no inner awareness, no sense of true purpose, no true love, no true creativity, no inner-derived truth. It is like that old bad joke about being lost but making excellent time; people are living as fast as they can, and really going nowhere, in a world of illusions.

To the extent that you are invested in trying to "make" your ego-based illusions "real," you will be unable to see past your illusions. This is the nature of the mind: it can turn illusions into reality and reality into illusions, by a process of hypnosis or self-delusion. The ego is the chief architect of all false realities resulting from choice, conditioning, habit, or programming.

One of the greatest illusions is "if it feels good, it is good." Most people are conditioned to move towards sensory and emotional gratification, short-term gains, whatever feeds their ego, pride, ambition, and illusions. They feel "good" when they feed their fantasies, and are supported by friends, family, peers, associates, and society, for doing so. The truth is often unwelcome.

People habitually seek to grow more comfortable in their illusions. They make decisions out of not wanting to know and not wanting to be responsible; this is called "denial." No matter how well we deal with what we prefer to look at, we will suffer the effects of ignoring what we prefer not to look at. As we grow in "appreciation" of whatever distracts us from looking at our problems, problems grow. Some people are so "successful" in distracting themselves from having to face reality, that they will not wake up to their ever-diminishing capacity to deal with reality until perhaps they develop a drug or alcohol dependency, have a failing marriage, and can no longer manage at work. Illusions are pervasive distortions or blocks to true awareness, understanding, perception, and choice.

True creative change is not necessarily reassuring to the ego, emotions, or other self-delusions. It does not reinforce illusions. Choices and changes which do, only increase separation from reality, self-destructively. No matter how "creatively" you construct your illusions, how invested you become in them, or how "rewarding" they seem to you, they simply cannot last, in reality.

8. Inhibition

There is such a thing as over-expression, but people more commonly experience inhibition, insecurity, and withholding. The idea is to have balanced, creative, fulfilling self-expression.

Let's consider over-expression, first. We all know or have met people who have no sense of their own self-expression. They just "let it all hang out." As a result, they may be rather expressive, wild, hyper, excited, or agitated. It is as if they have turned on a fire hose, and the very pressure of everything that wants to come out causes it to be rather uncontrolled. Some would call this just being "natural" and uninhibited. But, it is out of balance. It tends to be insensitive to the needs or wishes of others.

Inhibition and withholding are the opposite of this. You need to express yourself, but there is some mechanism that keeps you from doing so. It could be any of a large number of things: being trained as a child to be "seen and not heard," being put down, abused, afraid of disapproval, fear of being judged, lack of self-esteem, and so on.

The solution is, simply, learning to let go. And you regain the power to make this choice, when you realize that the limitations that may seem so entrenched in you are ultimately ones you accepted, chose, or have agreed to, consciously or unconsciously. And you can choose to step out of them.

There is a saying: "Well-behaved women rarely make history." It is applicable to all of us, of either gender. Social forces are always opposed to individuation — being an individual. It is up to us, as individuals to counteract these dominant forces which otherwise suppress us.

The idea isn't to "act up" or "be bad," but rather to really be who we are, and refuse to be suppressed, labeled, and put aside. A hundred years ago, if a woman wanted a career, she was out of luck. There was none available to a woman. Fifty years ago, a woman who wanted a career could choose between being a secretary, a teacher, a nurse, or a flight attendant. That was it. Today, a woman is allowed by society to do basically anything she wants. Of course, it took a lot of speaking up and activism to bring about this change, by women who were not inhibited by society's imposed constraints.

There are socially imposed restrictions on who we are allowed to be, and there are inhibitions we place upon ourselves.

You overcome insecurity by finding the courage to act, by breaking out of the trap of fear and self-doubt, by doing what you know to be right. Creativity means leaving behind the "safety" of what you are already familiar with, for the relative uncertainties of something new or unknown in your experience. What you stand to gain is something more than what you started out with.

Many people hold themselves back as a result of fear or conditioning to refrain from true, spontaneous, creative self-expression. Withholding is a form of self-censorship, in which you hold back your true desires, ideas, or feelings, in relation to your own self or others, due to programming, and possibly fear.

Inhibition is a form of negative conditioning, in which you have been greatly suppressed by others, and have accepted this programming to negate your self. You come to feel awkward, ashamed, or afraid to express your true self to others. Realize that this is negative programming which you may be accepting.

Realize, inhibition and withholding are limiting forms of behavior in which you habitually give up the freedom, power, and choice to respond to situations in accordance with what you truly think, or what you know to be right in your self.

Inhibition is not equivalent to morality, which is based upon conscious moral choice, clear awareness, and true conscience. Rather, inhibition is a lack of conscious choice, which results from suppressed fear, guilt, shame, and hurt.

This understanding is not meant to release you from your own conscience or morality but to empower you to act in a way that is true to your self, always.

You do not have to do anything you do not want to do; that's not true self-expression or being honest with yourself. But realize the extent to which your "choice" is merely a product of past conditioning, programming, ego and emotion.

The fear underlying inhibition and withholding may be more a lack of self-confidence than a clear awareness of real danger. However, it is not necessarily safe to expose your true inner self to everyone. There are many who can't stand innocence or simplicity in a person, or who might wish to degrade you. Many are egotistical violators who enjoy humiliating others and causing them suffering, and, they may often appear loving. Be aware of such intentions in others.

The upsetting feeling that it isn't safe to express yourself, or to be your self, may also be a reflection of the feelings of fear or hurt which are already inside you, which need to be released. Inhibition does not free you from those feelings. Instead, you only cultivate or play out those doubts and fears.

Have the courage to simply be true to your own self, speak up, and not give in to anything that diminishes or negates you. Free your real self from conditioned or fear-based reactions to situations, and experience freedom and true choice. You can overcome inhibition and withholding of your true self.

9. The Shadow Self

It is popular nowadays to confuse what serves us and what does not, what leads upwards and what leads downwards, what brings us peace with what pacifies the wrong in us. Most prevalent is the philosophy promoted by Jung and others of accepting "the shadow self," or the dark side.

That is something that is simply erroneous, illusory, and self-destructive — it is not our salvation, it is not healing, it is not helpful, and it is not right, good, or true. The acceptance of wrong does not make it right; believing evil is just as good as good, does not make it so; and taking darkness for light, or a necessary part of spiritual selfhood, does not heal us or make us whole, but perpetuates what is wrong in us, and in the world.

If you do not challenge what is wrong, and see it as wrong, you are essentially in agreement with it. You are choosing to make it "right" in your mind, your thinking, your actions, your choices, your life, and your world. That does not solve anyone's problems, not yours individually, not all of our problems, collectively.

It is one thing to acknowledge the existence of something, such as the dark, destructive, negative, or violent aspect of life — or to acknowledge the presence of that to whatever extent within us. But it another thing entirely to praise it, to try to uphold it, to elevate it to the same status or level as goodness and light. That is a very great mistake.

No matter what anyone else may say, to try to justify, rationalize, excuse, or accept the dark side — that is not the path you really want to take. Darkness is not the path of light. Evil is not the path of good. Wrong is not the path of right. Suffering is not the path of happiness. It may happen in this world, but that doesn't make it right. If you would prefer to live in darkness, spiritually, mentally, or any other way, that is, of course, your choice. You may so identify yourself with all that is dark that you find it uncomfortable to come into the light. But you should know that the light is still there; it doesn't go away, no matter how you push it away from you. The greater reality doesn't disappear just because you hold illusions. And you cannot be more "whole" by "integrating" what is wrong, or by claiming it is all right. The shadow self is by nature a force of dis-integration and self-destruction, not true wholeness of the self.

The "shadow" is not a wonderful, glorious, productive, healing, loving, inspiring part of humanity. It is all that is not. If you want to unfold these positive qualities, you need to reject or let go of the negative. That is an act of will, and what it ultimately means to be true to your self.

The argument is often made that we should "accept everything," and not reject or challenge or oppose anything. That is a popular philosophy in New Age teachings and pop psychology. And it is wrong. If you have two spoons in front of you, one of which contains oatmeal and the other poison, wouldn't it be wise to discern the difference? Wouldn't it be better to choose what nourishes and sustains you rather than what ultimately destroys you? So, why should it be any different with regard to the light and dark forces in our lives? Do you imagine that choosing abuse, violence, evil, untruth, or wrong somehow serves life — and is a better choice than choosing peace, goodness, right, and truth? The fact is, no matter how sophisticated you might think you are in terms of your ability to choose, or how enlightened you are in your capacity to accept everything as it is, it would be foolish to take poison instead of nourishment — or to teach others to do that. The shadow does not make you more whole or more, it makes you less; it does not give you a more integral self or wholeness, it dis-integrates you and dis-unites you from source.

The bottom line is: what doesn't work for you ultimately, doesn't really work for you here or now, either. Don't try to make believe that it does. And don't try to convince yourself that wrong is right, untruths are true, evil is as good as good, illusions are as workable as reality, or what brings you down actually takes you higher. You have to be more discerning than that in your choices.

10. Ego

Ego is one of the simplest things to recognize, when you know what to look for. And one of the hardest, when you do not. Most of the time, we look through our egos, our programming, our social conditioning, and all of the things that shape us and our view of the world. Ego is largely a product of the outer world, the role you play in the world — the way of the world. It is not a true way of being.

We do not recognize ego because we so thoroughly identify ourselves with it. And, that, ultimately, does not truly serve us. Ego is a phony, delusive, selfish, externalized, labeled, approved-of, misidentified "part of us" which is not really part of us. It is everything you are not, but think you are. It is a lot like the "shadow" self. It is illusion masquerading as substance.

Ego is cultivated from birth, every time we are approved of or rejected, raised up or beaten down, respected or disrespected, valued or devalued, appreciated or not appreciated, understood or ignored — allowed to be who we are, or disallowed from that. Throughout life we are told by our society what is permissible and what is not — who we are permitted to be, and who we are not. Unfortunately, those messages and social rules and programming and indoctrination more often tend to invalidate who we truly are than to support us. In the simplest terms, our society, family, friends, peers, and others build up our egos. And what gets lost in all of this is our true self.

We wind up living in all of the expectations and illusions about us, which have been put on us by others, and which we now hold for ourselves. We take our identity from how we are accepted (or rejected) by others, how we are judged by others, how we please others. You may need to step back from that, and see how that is more like being a trained seal in a circus than being true to who you are. Of course, you get rewarded for performing for others, and pleasing them. They throw you a fish, and, from your side, you may feel that is adequate compensation for giving up your independent, free, sense of self.

Of course, in our society, the rewards for selling out or catering to the egos of others (or your own) are more varied than a simple fish: you get emotional approval, applause, monetary compensation, acceptance, money, power, sex, material rewards, and so on. Ego is greatly rewarded in our society because ego drives most material ambition, and ours is a very materialistic society. Ego tends to see what can be taken, used, and discarded when no longer of interest, and that fits in very well in a consumer society. We are made to fit in to the consumer society, and rather than ever questioning the fact that we are acting like trained seals, we can't wait for the next fish. We keep being rewarded for not being true to our selves.

In all of this, what is lost is a true sense of self.

It is necessary to consider this before we move on to the subject of "success," because unless you have a deeper sense of who you are, your self worth, your sense of purpose and value, you may go through your entire life acting as what you are not and being compensated for it.

That is ultimately a very unfulfilling thing to do. Yes, we know how much "fun" ego can be, how you might have enormous ambitions, want all kinds of materialistic property and toys, or lust after all of the money, sex, and power you can get. That is the overriding programming of our society, which you are subjected to in the media. You may wish to step back from all of that, even for one moment, and see all of that for what it is: you are being trained to live from a place of ego, you measure your success by ego and the approval of others. You measure your worth by the material value of the things you own, you have consumer relationships which are disposable when you feel you want something new, you imagine that money is the energy of life itself, and the more power or sex you seek or get, the less you become. And the less true you are to your self.

Losing yourself in illusions — the shadow over the substance — is not finding your self. When you see someone with an enormous ego, a celebrity, a billionaire, a political leader, you need to see the reality of things. They are more than likely to have no idea what real love is, what truth is, what a higher purpose is, what a person is worth — other than measuring them by ego. And so, all of these role models and fine examples presented to us incessantly by the media — the most phony, selfish, unaware, immoral, "pretty," "powerful," "rich," "important," and "successful" people — are in most cases the worst examples of what it means to be true to your self. In living from ego, and being entirely shaped by what everyone else thinks of them, they have failed to be true to who they are. They remain empty inside, no matter how much "stuff" they have, how many "fish" they get, or how many people take their picture. No one sees who they really are, because they no longer have any idea who that is. We do not consider this true "success." And, on some level, neither do they: they turn to alcohol, drugs, sex, money, and power as their salvation — presidents and celebrities alike. And so they live a lie, which even they do not believe.

There is a better way of being, a better way of living. And it has nothing at all to do with living to meet everyone's expectations or illusions about you. It is simply being you — that is enough. In fact, anything other than that, only makes you less.

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