Managing Your Self

Lesson 2: How to simply be you

1. Who Do You Think You Are?
2. A Very Simple Way
3. Getting Centered
Exercise One
4. Staying Centered
5. Acting from Your Center
6. Affirmation
Exercise Two
7. Competition
8. Validation
9. Context
Exercise Three
Exercise Four
10. Heart Centered
Exercise Five

1. Who Do You Think You Are?

You're probably thinking: "Well, of course I'm me, who else do you think I am?" But the question is really: who else do you think you are? There are a million ways to be, and endless roles you can play in life, ways to identify yourself ... and there is only one way in which you are simply being you. It's very simple, but it can be easy to miss — sometimes for your entire life.

Children are often demeaned or put down by this question: "Who do you think you are?" Parents, teachers, and others may say this when they do not approve of us, when we are being too independent or free thinking, or if we are not conforming to their wishes, demands, or expectations. So, instead of their trying to reach out to us, to embrace who we are, they make us doubt who we are. We often carry this doubt about ourselves throughout our lives.

We all know people who are incredibly individualistic. They know what they like, what they want, how they want everything to be, and "who they are." They have a strong personality, and live by the motto: "I just have to be me. That's who I am." Of course, there is nothing wrong with this. But, very often, people who appear to be so strong, so distinctive in their preferences and desires, lack a deeper sense of self. Personality is not self. It is much more superficial. Personality is largely shaped by the world we live in — it is a set of choices as to how to fit in or how to be accepted, more often than it is a simple and free expression of the inner self. It is how we perform for others in our role. So, even those who have strong personalities can learn a thing or two about what it means to be more true to themselves, on a deeper level.

Holding on to your "individual personality" can be an excuse for not looking more deeply into yourself.

Have you ever seen someone who appeared to be driven in life (or maybe it could be you at some point in your life)? The person has goals, whether they declare them openly or not, whether they are aware of them or not. Something is driving them, as if they were a vehicle on a city road. Turn right here, go three blocks, turn left, park for one hour, have your appointment, and so on. You can almost look at them and see the roadmap, agenda, or schedule printed on their forehead. They know exactly where they are going — consciously or unconsciously — and do not deviate from their course.

Now, you might assume that everything is working for this person. They surely know who they are, what they want, and where they are going. But, often, this is not true. Often, this is precisely the kind of person who has never once stepped back, looked at him- or herself, and questioned anything in their life. Does this mean they already have all the answers, they know who they are, and they need not be troubled by such concerns as others might have? No. It just means that they are driven, and you do not know whether it is the result of one remark their father might have made when they were a child, telling them that they were stupid, which has driven them to prove to themselves or their father or the world-at-large that they are not stupid. They may get all kinds of advanced degrees, have all sorts of professional appointments, become a renowned authority, and never once act from their own true inner self. Instead, they are entirely reactive to — trying to prove or disprove the expectations of — others.

The fact that a person never questions their own motivations does not make them right, good, or true for them. Entire nations can have the most erroneous motivations and engage in the most egregious actions, and never question them. Think of the acceptance of slavery, or the subjugation of women, for ages, which continues all around the world to this day.

People go along in their assigned roles — assigned by their society, and what it considers normal — and never question why they do what they do, or the validity of the role they are in. It's just the way it is. Regardless of the time in history in which you are born, it is always just the way it is. And, it is your job to see beyond the expectations, programming, indoctrination, and reactiveness that govern your choices in life — which govern who you think you are, and your self-worth. Otherwise, you remain a slave to the thinking, behavior, expectations, oppressiveness, and illusions of your time.

Be thankful that you have the opportunity to question things, to not have to accept the way things are as the way they have to be. There is a current that runs through life, which causes your past to flow through the present moment into a very predetermined future. Your past is creating your future right now, at this very moment. And, unless you pull yourself out of that current, and find a place to stand in the present, there is little question that who you were yesterday will be almost exactly who you will be tomorrow, barring something unforeseen.

Some people find comfort in never changing. In fact, if you asked them if they wanted anything about themselves or their lives to be different, they would say no. Other people see the present moment as an opportunity for something better. They are willing to step out of a life that is otherwise predetermined in so many ways, and reclaim their power, here and now, and change the course of their entire lives. The truest motivation for this transformational change is to simply realize that you want to express who you truly are, in the highest sense, and that you are no longer content to live a life determined by just about everything outside you.

Unfortunately, some of the most powerful "role models" are rewarded for being egotistical, arrogant, self-interested, self-absorbed, people — very much into power, position, wealth, authority, and their own importance. This is not what we mean when we talk about the "authentic self." These people, whether they are billionaires or leaders are as shallow, superficial, and phony as a three dollar bill. They are not going to be our model of "self." Most often, such people use everything outside themselves to prop themselves up, because they have so little true sense of self within them, and it doesn't matter how important they are, or how rich they are, or how envied they are by the masses — none of that can ever take the place of having and knowing and being at peace with your own true self. Nothing outside us can compensate for or cover up that real lack inside. In private, some of the most outwardly successful people lament the fact that they feel empty inside. Some seek young relationship partners to add excitement to their lives, or give to charity because they wish to be seen as philanthropists, but even then, do not find happiness in who they are — because they are still acting from ego.

Simply being your true self, living authentically, in the best way, in the highest sense — forsaking ego — is the only way to ultimately be happy with your self.

2. A Very Simple Way

We begin with a very simple process to connect with your inner self, and your inner-directedness. It begins with simply closing your eyes, withdrawing your attention from the outer world, and putting it back within you. You pay attention to yourself, within, rather than being lost in or overshadowed by the world outside you. This place within you, your deeper being, your center, is always available to you. You just have to learn to look for it, acknowledge it, and honor it. It is a process of honoring your self.

Here's how to do it: Whenever you feel a need to connect with this place within you, place your right hand over your heart, close your eyes, and take a minute or two to just sit quietly. Take a few deep breaths, and let them out slowly; relax. Feel the sense of centeredness, the inner consciousness. And, if you need to know how to proceed in your life, to find your Way, ask that you be shown what you need to know or do. You can do this at night, before you go to sleep. If there is something that you could have done in a better way, just be aware of that; don't judge yourself harshly for it. See how you could have done better, and let that guide you. Be thankful for and appreciate learning a better Way. Then, when you are out in the world, live from this place in your heart; let it lead you in what you do, with grace, clarity, dignity, peace, goodness, understanding, and compassion. Listen to your heart. That is learning and practicing a better way of being.

That is a true way to live your life. Ask what is right, good, and true to you, in your own heart, and make your choices from that place in you. Live from a place of conscience, seeking at each moment to come closer to the truth and light within you. Contrast this with ignoring your own inner being, and yet trying to live in accordance with a set of external principles and dogma. The two are very, very different. The first way creatively flows from your inner being; the latter is imposed from without, and meets a lot of resistance or establishes an artificial conformity.

You will be amazed at the great changes that come from simply honoring your self, your inner-directedness, in this way. If you practice living from the center of your being, you will find that many things get reorganized in your life, in a noticeably positive way.

You may find that, over time, you can:

Live in a space of truth, love, and simplicity, rather than in a problem space.
Give up many of your problems.
Give up ego.
Give up self-justifying anger.
Give up resentment.
Give up living in the past.
Give up the programming, indoctrination, conditioning, and propaganda of the past that is dictating your future.
Give up your excessive worldly ambitions.
Give up the things that have been driving you, chasing you, or running your life.
Give up your petty addictions, the things that comfort you in your illusions.
Give up the addiction to things of this world — alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, gambling, and so on — which make you feel good when you are not being good.
Give up illusions of success that you get from sports, entertainment, or video games.
Give up your mindless passage through life, and start thinking for yourself.
Give up being mindless, including the acceptance of everyone and everything just as they are. That is not Love, it is lack of discernment, lack of awareness, ignorance, and denial. It is the refusal to see the difference between right and wrong for your self.
Give up your spiritual blindness or spiritual pride.
Give up all of the falsehood you have held onto, or that you might once have preferred to believe.
Give up wrong relationships.
Give up lying to yourself and others; give up denial.
Give up pretending to be what you are not.
Give up caring what everyone else — or anyone else — thinks of you.
Give up your excessive concern for appearances, including your own appearance. Appearances in this world most often are used to conceal the truth or reality of things.
Give up whatever does not serve the highest good of all.
Give up making habitual choices in every area of life. Make choices in the moment, at each and every moment that you can, to do what you know is right, good, and true, within you.
Give up the excessive reliance upon outside authority, those who refuse to let you think for yourself.
Give up expecting your leaders to solve all our problems.
Give up the misguided belief that the experts and authorities have all the answers, or that you do not.
Give up looking for love out there in the world, and learn to find the real love in you.
Give up all of the things that destroy your peace of mind, that bring stress, upset, and problems into your life, and learn to find inner peace.
Give up your worldly attachments. That means, material things you don't really need.

If you have never sought a true way of being, this may seem daunting. It may seem like a great yoke or burden. But, it isn't. Realize, it isn't giving up what really matters to you. It's just being the real you.

3. Getting Centered

This is a process of coming back to your center, experiencing that place in you from which arise your true purposes, highest intentions, creative vision, inner peace and joy, and sense of self. This is who you are.

Your inner being — your self — is a consciousness. It is, by its very nature, calm, quiet, still. Centering is a process of acknowledging, attuning with, and knowing your true inner being. And the way to learn to be centered in your self is to withdraw from the outer world and turn within. This is done, gently, as an exercise, by letting go of any misidentification you may have with the "non-you": the ego, the physical body, the emotions, thoughts, desires, worldly attachments, illusions, invalidation, conditioning, programming, and indoctrination.

There is a place to stand, within you, to deal with everything outside you. You may wish to learn how to do this, due to any number of things that might trouble you. Or maybe just one thing throws you off balance. Maybe life has gotten harder in some way. Maybe you want to live your life not reacting to other people's desires, expectations, pictures, or purposes — as if they were your own. Maybe you wish to avoid suffering yet to come, or find peace in a troubled world.

Picture a candle flame. Blowing in the wind, it might go out at any time. Shielded by a hand, it is more likely to remain lit. Put a clear glass around it, and it becomes a "hurricane lamp," and no wind can put it out. The light shines through, and the outer turbulence just passes by. This is a metaphor for what it means to be centered in your true self.

For this exercise, you need about ten or fifteen minutes in which you will not be disturbed. This is the part in which you center in your self, in order to be able to deal more effectively with situations outside you, later. Leave those situations for a little later; it is not being irresponsible. You are simply choosing to center, to act from a place of peace, within you, here, now.

Please read the following instructions, even if you have done this process before, and then close your eyes.

Exercise One: Begin by settling comfortably in your seat, and just relax. Close your eyes and take a few deeper breaths, for about a minute, and feel any tensions or anxieties begin to loosen their grip. In this process, very simply be aware of your breathing — the flow of the inward breath and the outward breath. You don't need to control your breathing in any way, just let your self be aware of it.

In the same way, do not try to control your thoughts or feelings or desires — just be aware of them, look at them, and let go of them. Let them go. Do not try to evaluate, judge, hold on to, analyze, or force anything.

If at any time you notice you have been lost in some thought or feeling, just quietly come back to your breath, and be aware of it, gently. Don't try to concentrate; don't try to do anything at all; that is straining. Just let your self quietly be aware of whatever you experience.

Whatever thoughts or emotions or desires or impulses come up, just observe them. No matter how strong they are, if you do not struggle with them they will pass.

Let yourself be calm, nonreactive. After about ten or fifteen minutes, begin to come out of the meditation process — take a minute or two, with eyes closed, to discontinue the focusing on your breathing. Just sit quietly. You will be settled, so come out slowly, gently. After a minute or so, slowly open your eyes.

As you can see, calmness is not something which is forced. It is allowed, within you. The idea is not to try to suppress the forces that pull on you — to try to make yourself calm. Simply be aware of the things that come up in your experience. Observe them calmly, as if from a distance. And learn to let them pass.

Were you aware of any of the following: feelings of anxiety, upset, guilt, fear, worry, helplessness, inadequacy, incessant mental activity, the excitation of emotions, the pull of desires?

At various times, you may notice how caught up you are in your thoughts, feelings, or desires. But, you are not your thoughts, feelings, desires, or physical sensations. Realize, they are not you. You don't have to hold on to them, believe them, or act on them. With this awareness comes greater clarity, choice, and freedom.

Your reaction to things outside you causes you to get caught up in them. When you hold on to those things, or attach your self to them, it causes greater upset or suffering. Losing your self in thoughts, feelings, desires, or sensations — and thereby losing any sense of control — weakens you. There is a better way to deal with the things that might otherwise overwhelm you, by centering yourself.

If you are lost in thought, realize it. If you lose your self in emotion, see that. Step back from your experience, come out of your thoughts and feelings — even for a moment. Just be aware. With awareness comes choice, the choice to come back to and act in a way that is more true to your own self.

In this centering exercise, if you have strong thoughts, simply notice them and mentally comment "having strong thoughts." And return to being aware of your breathing, in and out. The same for strong feelings; simply notice "having strong feelings," and return to being aware of your breathing. Quietly and gently do that with anything that comes up. This will allow it to be noticed or recognized, and pass more easily.

You can be calm even when you have thoughts, feelings, or desires, but this must be learned, practiced. If you do not feel any calmness, you may have some stress inside you which is being released; realize that it comes up to come out; don't struggle with it. Let it pass.

This is a process of learning how to be more easy with your self. You have been conditioned to be distracted from the quiet inner self, by everything outside you. Now, you can reclaim your own self.

With practice of this every day, you will learn to learn to center and to let go of stress daily. In this way, you will come to find a quiet place in your own self, beneath all of the surface upsets. Do this each morning and/or evening; you will learn to be more centered in your self, and many troubles will pass you by.

4. Staying Centered

The more you practice centering, the more you will learn to stay centered your self. You will find that this center, in the wholeness of your self, is more unbounded, more free from the effects of outer conditions than the part of you that is reactive to things outside you — the ego. The inner self is calm, nonreactive, undisturbed, unharmed, at peace, intact, whole. That is your true inner nature. Remember, this is a place in you which is safe and sound, secure, protected, out of harm's way.

Notice, the inner self does not take anything personally, or negatively. Only the ego does. The ego takes everything personally, reacts to everything, blames, judges, interferes, and tries to force everything. Remember what the feeling of calmness or quietness in you is like, in your inner self. You can learn to come from, or get back to, this place in you, in activity, when anything or anyone is about to get you out of it. That is how you know your true self, different from the ego.

Now, take a moment to gently be with your self, to feel centered in your self, with your eyes open. You don't have to do anything, just sit quietly.

Are you aware of what it feels like to be centered in your self, now?

The second part of this process is learning to remain in your center in activity — to learn to be free from the negative influence of stress, pressure, and intimidation. The way you can accomplish this is by learning not to be reactive.

Not being reactive means not holding on to inappropriate or ineffective responses to people and situations. It means not having — or letting go of — any judgment or resentment that may come up in you. Not being reactive means you are free to act calmly and powerfully from your center, in the present moment.

You may not be able to control everything in your life, but you can learn to control your own reaction. You can learn to protect the "inner flame," the inner self, by learning to not be reactive.

Think of the candle flame again. Protected by a glass holder, it becomes a hurricane lamp, and all turbulence passes by it. In your own life, you can put up a protective shield that will maintain your center and allow disturbances by pass around you, as well. The idea is to have a clear boundary which defines your own space, rather than putting up walls around you or trying to be unfeeling or selfish. Some people find it helpful to picture a golden flame within them, making a shield around them. Or you can picture yourself surrounded by an impenetrable, transparent, brilliant white flame, wherever you go.

The way to remain centered in activity is as simple and effortless as the way you did it when you meditated: be aware in your self, and let go. Simply let go of your reaction to whatever the person or situation brings up in you. You can be aware of it, noticing how you feel, but allow it to pass. Don't attach your self to it. This doesn't mean turning into a wimp. It means staying in your power, maintaining your balance, and not "falling" for how people act towards you.

This requires no great effort, no force, no analyzing, no rationalizing, no excuses, no trying to make things be a certain way. Rather than resenting not being able to control something outside you, you just let go of your own negative reaction, within you. You remain in your center, no matter how you are tempted by anyone or anything.

Your response, if one is even necessary, will come from your self, your centered self — not your reactive ego. This is how to be free from reactiveness. The result will be that you are not stressed, pressured, intimidated, controlled, or run by anything or anyone outside you. This is accomplished by simply letting go of any resentment or judgment you may have toward anyone, including your self. You will be unaffected by the things that used to run you.

5. Acting from Your Center

Acting from your center is about acting most appropriately, most powerfully, free from negative reactions. You learn to develop calmness, balance, and poise — in your self — in the midst of challenging, changing, even confusing, outside situations.

There are three factors in not being reactive: consciousness, choice, and commitment. You have already seen how you can simply be conscious in your self, in the meditation exercise. You were aware of your thoughts, feelings, and desires. That is consciousness.

And you chose to not get up and act on your thoughts, feelings, or desires, in the moment. You chose not to attach yourself to them. You just let yourself be. That is choice. You can choose consciously, in the present moment, precisely when you are about to get moved out of your center, to remain centered — or to come back to your center. You can choose to not take anything personally. Let whatever used to upset you, free you. See it as a reminder to simply come back to your self.

The final factor in remaining calm and centered is being committed to doing so. Make the conscious choice each and every time, to hold your space, to not react negatively, to not resent or judge anyone or anything. You will find that you can see more clearly what is right and what is not, and respond appropriately.

Remember the difference between your impersonal self and your reactive ego. The ego is overly dependent upon, and reactive to, everything outside you. The inner being is not dependent upon, or reactive to, anything outside you. The more you have of one, the less you have of the other.

Practice centering every day, and remain centered in activity. Learn what it feels like to act from your center, to stay in your center, and to return to your center. It is the key to effective choices and progressive actions in life.

Out there in the "real world" there are endless influences which tend to throw us out of our center, or which overshadow or override our sense of self. Take these as a challenge, not a failure to be centered. Take these situations — people, places, or things — as an opportunity to come back to your center. If you can do it in the moment, great. If not, do it as soon afterwards as you can. If you can find no chance to center, for example if you are in a crisis situation, then you can do it at the end of the day, before you go to sleep. This will release the burdens or oppressiveness which you might otherwise carry into the next day.

Even if you have only a minute or two where you can close your eyes, and come back to your center, try it — especially if something has upset you or thrown you off center. Let your self be aware of your feelings. Don't try to do anything, just relax. And, if you feel any resentment, let go of it. Resenting is trying to force things to be a certain way, rather than letting go. After a minute or so, slowly and gently open your eyes and return to your activities.

What if you feel you just need to center while you are in the middle of your day?

Whenever you feel a need to connect with this place within you, you can place your right hand over your heart, close your eyes, and take a minute or two to just sit quietly. Take a few deep breaths, and let them out slowly; relax. Feel the sense of centeredness, the inner consciousness.

If you can feel something pushing you out of your center, it is best to attend to that as it comes up. There is always some indicator, some strong thought or feeling or desire that begins to take root. Catch it as soon as you become aware of it. See it. Look at it. Don't try to suppress it, but rather, remember that it is not you, and you do not need to act on it. Reclaim that power of choice in the moment, here, now. That is sufficient to allow you remain centered. If it seems important, and you don't have time for it now, remind yourself that there will be time for it later.

Sometimes, you may need to actually push some undesirable influence out of your space, rather than allow it to gain a foothold. For example, you can do this with negativity, by noticing that it isn't you. Take a few deep breaths, tell yourself you do not accept that influence, and see it passing by you — without intercepting it or bringing it into you. Instead, it will just pass by you. This strengthens your personal boundaries, your sense of self.

You may not be able to choose everything that happens to you, but you can choose how you will react to it, or you can change your reaction to something more workable, or you can learn to not be overly reactive in the first place. This is where you do have the power of choice. It is not in the past, when things might have happened, or in the future, when you imagine something might happen, but rather in the present moment. Your power — your power to choose — is always right here, right now. And the more centered you are, the more empowered you are to choose what is right, good, and true for you. The more familiar you are with your center, the more you will come from there — instead of occasionally centering, and being overwhelmed much of the time, you will be centered most of the time, and only occasionally displaced from there. It takes practice — both quietly on your own, doing the centering exercise, and in activity, when you are "tested."

Basically, as soon as you react negatively to what you perceive outside you, you bring it into yourself, upon yourself — you are wrongly affected by it, and it has power over you. This is why it is better to not resent or judge others, no matter how they may provoke you. This does not mean suppressing your feelings, or ignoring people, or somehow resisting them inside you — that only brings what you do not like outside you, inside you. Rather, you can learn to be truly calm and poised within your self, to properly deal with all kinds of situations. You will be the flame with a clear glass shield, and whatever might disturb you will now blow by.

When you are practiced at centering, you can take a moment to do it whenever you feel the need, with your eyes open or closed.

6. Affirmation

In order to act as who you are — in a way that is true to you — you first need to be more comfortable with who you are and know who you are, inside.

"I am" is the most basic affirmation of your existence, who you are, your essential being. In exploring self management, we are dealing first with issues of being rather than what you are doing. Being is about who you are, within you, on a deeper level; doing is about how you act outside of you, in the world-at-large.

The world tends to invalidate who you are in many ways. Not all of them are overt or intentional, but it happens nevertheless.

You are told that happiness is something to be found outside of you; you are told that love is something to be found outside of you; you are told that peace is entirely a matter of whether there is peace out there: "peace in the world." All of these erroneous messages — you can call them programming or indoctrination — rob you of the very things you are told are "available" somewhere else, out there. In other words, these essential qualities are denied or invalidated within you.

So, this lesson is going to help you learn to validate or affirm these qualities — within you — as essential qualities of your inner being. This are who you are, on a deeper level, within you.

Having been invalidated by others — whether family, classmates, teachers, and other authority figures — we get the message that we aren't good enough, we don't have meaning and purpose within us. Others know better. Others have truth, beauty, goodness, peace, and joy. And we go off on a fruitless search for those things out there in the world. Or else we give up on them — they have been made so distant, so removed from us, that we cannot even relate to them. And so we fail to find them within us.

We're here to remind you where to look for truth, peace, beauty, and joy: in you.

It may be really hard for some people to relate to this, but the truth is: you are beautiful, as you are. Beauty is not some label the world or others bestow upon you when you meet some arbitrary standard of superficial appearance or fashion or style. That external approval, acceptance, and judgment has nothing whatsoever to do with the beauty that you have within you. It is irrelevant. And no matter how many people are in agreement on some artificial standards of acceptable beauty, it is all absolutely meaningless.

Not only are you beautiful, you truly are full of beauty. We will go one step further, in bringing this essential quality of who you are inside back to you. You not only have beauty, you are beauty. That is an inseparable, inviolate, essential quality of your inner being — which, in reality, you can never lose or never be deprived of. You may have "learned" to ignore this, belittle this, or overlook this in you, but it did not ever go away. It is still there. And it will always be there.

The same is true for the qualities of peace, love, truth, and joy.

It does not matter how much the world-at-large — anyone or everyone — tells you that these are things that you need to find outside of you. That is not true. The truth is, these are all essential to the core of your inner being, who you really are inside. And, no matter how much these qualities might have been ignored, put down, overshadowed, or hidden within you, they are still there. They have always been there, and nothing can ever take them away.

This is the most validating affirmation of who you truly are: "I am. I am enough. I am love, truth, beauty, peace, joy, and goodness. This is who I am, now and always. This is who I have always been." This is your true center, the core, the deeper self. And, no matter what you may experience, no matter how hard anything may be or have been in your life, this inner self has remained inviolate, whole, undamaged, and true. This is who you are.

Exercise Two: Begin by settling comfortably in your seat, and just relax. Close your eyes and take a few deeper breaths, for about a minute, and feel any tensions or anxieties begin to loosen their grip. You are going to be affirming the truest state of your being: who you really are. Just be aware of thoughts and feelings that come up as you do this process, and let them pass by you, without doing anything about them.

When you are ready, begin to affirm (out loud if you wish, and you have sufficient privacy): "I am. I am enough. I am love, truth, beauty, peace, joy, and goodness. This is who I am, now and always. This is who I have always been." If you like, you can affirm part of this statement, such as, "I am enough, now and always," or "I am peace," or "I am filled with beauty." Choose what feels right for you, what uplifts you the most, what puts you in touch with who you really wish to know yourself to be. Continue this process for a few minutes. Notice any contrary thoughts that come up; let them come up and pass. When you are done, gently open your eyes.

This exercise may be difficult or easy for you, or it could be harder to do at another time, especially when you are experiencing problems. That is precisely when you need to do this exercise, to help you to return to your center, your true self. This is a place in you in which to stand, to deal with problems outside you, from a place of strength rather than weakness, doubt, worry, guilt, fear, and so on. This is not just a positive affirmation, it is a truer state of being.

As you do this exercise you may notice very strong contrary thoughts come up, negative thoughts or feelings, ones that negate you. They are your programming and prior conditioning. Do not believe these negative thoughts or feelings, do not give in to them — they are a habitual self-defeating conditioning which the world-at-large has bestowed upon you. You have the power in the present moment to reject those limiting and false beliefs about yourself. You don't have to try to do this with force, by forcing them away. Just look at them as if from a distance, and mentally say, I can see you. And then let them go. When you see negative thoughts and feelings for what they are and choose not to suppress, wrestle with, or buy into them, they will lose their power over you. You choose a higher truth for your self. It is a choice you make, as to what you truly want to believe about your self. And you owe it to yourself to believe the highest truth.

7. Competition

You are, in reality, not in competition with anyone. Not now. Not ever.

Society is all about competition. You compete against your classmates, in your education, in play, in sport; you compete in relationships; you compete in the workplace; you compete financially; you compete ... well, in just about everything. What you may not realize, is that rather than proving who you really are, when you take your identity from competing against others, you are in fact losing your true individuality. You lose your self in every form of social competition.

But, that seems like such a foreign concept. You feel so much more alive when you compete, so much more proud and successful. You get a chance to prove that you are better than others. You get to wear the label "winner."

We'll work backwards from the grossest forms of misidentifying yourself, to the more subtle. Consider the example of all of those people who take their identity from a sports team. It is "their team," and they are the winners when the team they identify with wins. You can look at sports fans going wild, feeling such enormous excitement and passion, and victory — while they have done nothing at all but sit in a bar and watch someone else play a game. Yet, they totally feel like a "winner." Is there anything wrong with this, with feeling like a winner? Well, if that is the sum total of your victory in life — someone else's victory — then you really haven't got anything other than a really big illusion. And, ultimately, what is the meaning or value in that? You can say that you saw someone else being victorious in something in their life. That defines your life or who you are? That's a sad "accomplishment" based upon the grossest form of misidentification. You are, basically, not the movie star, not the sports star, not the pop idol, not the leader or authority figure you follow, not the guy with the sexy gal in the beer commercial, not anyone else you idolize or revere, and certainly not the victor in anyone else's victory. You are just you.

Your society has done sleight-of-hand, to make you think that you are your culture, society, idol, or team. Society teaches you to lose your own sense of self, or self worth, to find "value," "meaning," and "purpose" in the actions, choices, and accomplishments of others. The most valuable thing gets lost in this process: you. You are left to find value and meaning in everything outside you, rather than the true value and meaning within you.

Consider how competitive you may be. Who are you in competition with? If you are engaged in competition, and even if you "win," you are agreeing to have your value and worth be judged by others. And the measure which is used is often rather meaningless or purposeless. Instead of learning cooperation in school, we learn to try to prove that we are better than others. Why? Why is competition better than cooperation? It is only because the system can evaluate and score you in competition, a lot more easily than it can in what you contribute, share, or cooperatively produce with others. Society, the educational system, the work environment, and so on, all have the common agenda of making you fit in, like another cog in the wheel. Society wants you to be like everyone else, a "better product" of society. Not different. Just more effective in your role in society, as a part of the system. Society wants a better machine part. And, unfortunately, that means you.

When you "differentiate" yourself via competition, you are singled out and recognized as a better part of the system (whether education, business, entertainment, or otherwise). The more praise, recognition, and ego gratification you get, the further you are displaced from your true inner being. This is why famous people have such a hard time with success, and turn to drugs, alcohol and so on, to try to cope. They can feel that they are losing themselves in their "greater success," and they don't know how to deal with that. They are being rewarded and being told that they are winning, and yet they feel as though they are losing something. And they are: their true self. Ego — which is always the "reward" in competition — makes you less; the more ego you have, the less sense of inner self you have. And rather than gaining some kind of freedom or independence, you are invited to sell out all the more. If you can prove that you are better than some, you can prove that you are better than even more.

This system of standing on the backs of others to raise ourselves up is enormously self-destructive — if not for you, then for all those on whose backs you stand. Society acknowledges one winner, and everyone else is labeled a loser. Think about that. Really, really think about that. Rather than refusing to play this game, most people try to be that one winner, to prove they are better than others, in sports, relationships, work, business, politics, and so on. We try to prove that we are right and superior, and everyone else is wrong and inferior.

You cannot take your identity from making others inferior to you, and propping up your ego. You will find, in the end, that you have not really ever found a true place to stand in your self, but have made a place for yourself in a world of illusion, denial, intolerance, judgment, favoritism, inequality, and injustice. That is exactly how these destructive ego qualities are handed down from generation to generation, and perpetuated in society: by ego and competition, rather than self and cooperation.

You will find that your own true purpose in living has very little to do with proving your superiority over anyone or to anyone — not even to your self. It is simply being your own self. That is enough. You are enough. And that is the truest and greatest success. Because if you are successful at being someone other than who you truly are, what have you really succeeded at? Who you are, and your worth, cannot be measured by anything outside you. It is something you find within you. The idea is to find that in you, and live from there, in a way that is true to you.

Finally, you are not in competition with your self. If you hold a set of judgments on yourself, regarding your worth or worthiness, or hold a standard of perfection against which you measure yourself, it may serve less to validate who you are than it does to invalidate you. If you are doing that, realize that you have internalized the external judgments of others, and whether or not they are there to continue this behavior, you are doing it to yourself. And you need not.

8. Validation

Unfortunately, we all tend to be invalidated in our lives, one way or another. Simply being given a label says you are only one thing, and nothing else. We are demeaned and dehumanized and devalued in many ways — many socially accepted or common ways. The fact is, you are okay, the system is not working. No one and nothing is supposed to crush your spirit, abuse you, manipulate and control you, demean or degrade you. Yet it happens. For example, just being a woman meant, historically, being totally invalidated, disenfranchised, ridiculed, labeled as sinful and inferior, and so on. It is time for us to get past all such invalidation of who we really are, by a society that is predisposed to put down anyone who is not in the majority — or at the top.

As you learn more and experience more of who you are inside, there are some things you come closer to or embrace, and some things you no longer identify with and let go of. You choose to allow more of what takes you higher, and you choose to release what does not — or what keeps you from moving forward. The better you know your self, the easier it may be to make these kinds of choices.

In learning who you are, and drawing more on your deeper resources, it is important to validate all that is good in you. Part of this process is recognizing how the experiences you may have had in some way tended to invalidate you. This is the time to build yourself back up, and return to a place of greater wholeness within you.

The first thing to know here is that the " comfort zone" you may have been used to, is going to change. You may have been used to being invalidated in many ways, and come to accept that —accepted the labels that others have put on you or you have allowed to define you. In your "comfort zone" you may have felt more comfortable not being you than being you. Most people have behaviors that are self-limiting or even self-destructive, including all sorts of addictions: shopping, gambling, drugs, alcohol, pornography, tobacco, and so on. These are ways in which you may continue to invalidate yourself. Some way, somehow, your society, your parents, family, friends, peers, teachers, employers, or others may have made you feel less or think less of your self. Perhaps you were made to feel that you didn't belong, or that you weren't enough. The pressure or enticement to step out of who you are, to become more like what others expected of you, was self-destructive. It did not raise you up as much as it put you down. It invalidated you. And, you became locked into a habit pattern that denied your true worth, your self-esteem, your highest good. This is all too common in our society.

We'd like to invite you to step out of all of that. You might feel that you are "giving something up," but if you are honest with yourself, you will realize that you may only be giving up something that really isn't working for you, and accepting something much greater. What you get back, in the process, is you. The real you. Not the pressured, distorted, misidentified, "non-you" that you may have been playing for some time. But the real you.

In order to return to your own sense of purpose and meaning, you need to see how you have been invalidated. And see it as that. You may have already internalized negative judgments about yourself: putdowns, abuse, and other belittling or hurt by others. We simply ask that you be willing to consider getting past all of that.

You have a higher purpose in living than remaining in a "holding pattern." If you have been invalidated in some way, you need to know that who you really are — deep within you — has never left you, has never become less, has never been damaged. You have never been made less. You have only been made to feel less, or to think less of yourself. And you can change that. You can validate all that is good within you, and let go of all that is not; you can validate what you know to be right, and let go of what is not. It is a choice you make. You can embrace that place in you which never lost its hopes and dreams — and reconnect with them.

It may be a bit uncomfortable to reach out, to leave your comfort zone, to venture into the unknown, or to be vulnerable in some way. The truth is, it is more uncomfortable to remain stuck or displaced from your self, unable to even imagine living your dreams. But, if you really want to, we're here to show you how.

9. Context

What is the context of your life? We all live within a social context and a personal context. You are an individual, but you are also a part of your society.

Consider the social context in which you live. Most of the time, we simply accept the circumstances of our birth, and the culture and society in which we are born. It is unusual to question the very context in which we are born, raised, or live. It usually seems "right" to us, because that is what we are used to. We have assimilated our cultural values, or been assimilated into our society.

We are born into the larger context of parents, culture, community, society, nation, and world. And we live within the context they have created for us, in the past and the present. Societies pass on social values, culture, language, tradition, and knowledge. We assimilate the parts of this which pertain to us, by birth, experience, or learning. We don't have to do much, from our side, to learn the language, family values, or social skills we are exposed to as children. It happens as if by osmosis; we are open and we just absorb it into us.

Yet, in reality, who we are, is not a product of our society. We each stand as individuals, and are responsible for ourselves, our choices, our actions, and our results. We may join or choose a different "society" such as a family, community, culture, or tradition — it is a sub-set of the larger society, but part of society nevertheless. Society — at large, or the smaller society we find ourselves in — may have various ways of enforcing its own standards of accountability, which tend to be rather biased in favor of the dominant forces in that society. Yet, in every case, we always remain individuals.

Just as it is possible to choose the smaller "society" in which you live, with the family, friends, and others who agree to participate in it, it is possible to choose the context of your own life, more directly. Assume that your society has made many choices for you already — or you have accepted them and gone along with them. Now, you can choose what you feel is truly right for you.

In this process, you will locate your three most fundamental choices in life — which have structured your life experience until now. After examining them, you will be able to make more progressive choices, on a more fundamental level.

Exercise Three: Think about this, and then write down your answers. What is the most fundamental choice you have made in this life, around which your whole life revolves? (It might be something like: artistic self-expression, having a rewarding family life, helping others, learning to master some field of knowledge, becoming rich or famous, love, or ....)

Continue this process until you truly get to a fundamental level. What is the value that you are seeking to experience within you? Is there a more important choice you have made in your life, around which your life revolves, or a more fundamental value? (It might be something like: seeking security, approval, truth, compassion, recognition, love, or ....) Keep going until you have identified your three most fundamental choices, values, or highest priorities.

Now pause for a moment to examine the three most fundamental choices you have made in your life. These choices underlie — and determine — your experiences in life. Many people never question their most fundamental choices; this is so even when those choices reflect severely self-limiting beliefs, conditioning, or expectations.

Can you see how your life demonstrates your given choices?

Can you think of a greater context for your life: a higher purpose, or a better way of living, which could support your experience in life — if you chose it?

All of your choices in life fit within a context. This context can be relatively narrow or large — and can reduce or increase your perception of possibilities. Basically, your context for making choices in life is expanded in accordance with your awareness, understanding, and ability to discriminate (or find the proper context), while it is narrowed by the influences of conditioning, programming, past impressions, habitual reactions, emotion, and a more thoughtless or unquestioning attitude toward life (including skepticism).

Many people are not even aware of the choices they make daily — especially the choice to accept the unduly limiting influences of the past — and do not realize how their life gets structured out of each and every choice they make. They never expand their context, but keep making the same old choices.

It is possible to more clearly realize or appreciate the context of your life by examining the underlying, fundamental, choices you have made. It may also be possible to make new fundamental choices in life, to change the overall context of your life or change your experience of life. Fundamental and far-reaching changes require quiet self-reflection or inner awareness.

Your fundamental choices structure what is in your life.

Exercise Four: Consider placing love, truth, and simplicity at the base of your first chosen fundamental (i.e., self-expression, family life, helping others ...) from the previous exercise — as a way to put these options into a context you may not have thought of. Think about this, and then write down your answer. What do you imagine would be the result, if love, truth, and simplicity were the most fundamental choices in the context of your life? What if this was the context in which you made all of your other choices? In what immediate, gradual, or far-reaching ways might your life possibly change, for the better?

10. Heart Centered

Our fast-paced modern society takes us out of our hearts and puts us in our heads. It values analytical ability, critical thinking, and the scientific method above all. Everything in our society tends to get put through this machinery of evaluation, to decide its worth or merit. As do you. It can be hard to be an individual, feeling, person, who makes choices not based upon what everyone else expects, but based upon what you feel to be right, good, and true within you.

Ironically, being absorbed into the social structure and serving as a cog in the wheel, does not really mean serving society's best interests or the needs of the individual. You, as an individual, can do something that society cannot: you can connect with a place in you in which truth, goodness, love, peace, and meaning are found. Society has no such place. It has ideologies, it has agendas, it has conditioning and programming and indoctrination, it has tradition, it has structure and rules and regulations — but it has no heart. It has no feeling. It has no essential goodness, ethics, conscience, honesty, love, or truth. Those are qualities of the individual. And, when we come to depend upon society — or anything external to us — for these qualities, we lose them as individuals; and our society as a whole reflects less of these qualities back to us. It is a descending cycle.

Perhaps you can see now how absurd it is to imagine that your government cares for you, or that the educational system promotes free thinking, or that an entire national agenda has your best interests as its basis. None of these is true. The system does not have a heart, it does not have feeling, it does not care.

That's your role: to care.

Perhaps you can see how the programming and conditioning you get in life makes you more passive, less involved, less caring about what truly matters, and less caring about the suffering of others. We live in a world in which billions of people go to sleep hungry each night, have no clean water, have no electricity, and live lives of desperation, limitations, oppression, and near hopelessness. And we do not really care. We don't care enough to even want to think about it. We certainly don't want to feel it. And we don't want to make a single choice in our lives to do anything about it.

We are indifferent, and so we do not make a difference with our lives — although we have the power to make a difference.

In a similar way, our passivity extends to our own lives. We live them as if merely playing out a role in the world, a predetermined fate. We accept our own suffering, limitations, oppression, addictions, lack of purpose or meaning, and so on. And close our hearts to ourselves.

You cannot live a life that is true to who you are, with a closed heart. It takes caring, feeling, and a willingness to come from a place of love, truth, and simplicity. You have to care more about yourself than you do, not in a selfish way, not to merely focus on yourself as a way to overlook the problems or suffering of others, not to try to feel "better than" those who are less fortunate. We are not encouraging ego and selfishness, but the opposite. We mean a place of true feeling, loving, giving, and caring.

What if, instead of doing what you may have been conditioned to, or what others might expect of you, you did something different? What if you knew that your life could truly make a difference? What could you possibly do? What if you had the power? What if you could claim that power by choosing to care, choosing something better, for the highest good of all? What in the world could you possibly do? Maybe something simple, maybe something great, maybe something that allowed you to have a truer sense of meaning or purpose in your life.

It isn't in your head, it's in your heart. You do have something to give, to your self and others.

Exercise Five: This is a visualization process to bring your energy from your head into your heart. It has two stages. Read through the first stage; then do it, before going on to the second stage.

Stage 1:

Close your eyes and relax for about a minute; let yourself breathe a little more deeply than usual. Become calm and centered in your self. Let thoughts go by; just let go, without analyzing or trying to figure things out. Let it all flow right by you, like a boulder in a stream — with everything passing by you.

The idea is to be easy with your self, to settle in your self, and just be with your self. Let your awareness be centered in the middle of your head, and just let whatever thoughts, feelings, or desires come up for you pass by. Don't try to force them to leave, just be easy with your self, and watch them go by.

Now, mentally see a golden-white light surrounding you, as if you were under a clear bright sun. Feel it reaching from the top of your head all the way to the base of your spine and down to your toes. Allow it to expand to all parts of your being, letting it fill your "mind" spaces as well as your whole body.

If you notice any influence (thought, feeling or desire) which seeks to displace you from true present moment awareness, let the white light clear it away, like the sun chasing clouds away. Let all influences flow right by you; let them be in the past while your awareness remains in the present. Take as much time as you need, anywhere from 2-10 minutes. Gently open your eyes when you are ready.

Stage 2:

Again, close your eyes and relax for a minute. Just breathe a little more deeply than usual, and be with your self; just relax. Let any thoughts and feelings that you have come up, and let go of them; don't worry about them. Feel yourself relaxing in the middle of your head; let your awareness be there.

Now, begin to picture a golden sphere of light about six inches above your head. Imagine it containing all of your present moment energy, power, and purpose in being. See the sphere of golden light grow stronger, as it collects all of your energy from outside you, from everywhere and everyone you have given it to in the past. Bring it fully into the present moment.

Picture the golden light, very bright, strong, and clear above your head. Then, bring this sphere of golden light, energy, power, and purpose down into your body. Let it move down into your head, and then down into your heart. Let is settle in your heart, with a warm and comforting feeling. Take as long as you need, from 2-5 minutes.

When you are done, feel your self filled with your own energy and aliveness, your own sense of being. Then, rub your hands together, rub your feet on the floor, and gently open your eyes when you are ready. Be easy with your self.

Realize that you find the power and purpose of being, in your self, very simply, by "being" in your self. This is your place of power, in your true self. This is where power and purpose are — in you — not in external things, not in people outside you, but in your own self, in your own quiet inner being.

Come back to your self, your peace and power, your heart, and act from there — calmly, assuredly, with inner purpose, centered in your self.

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