Higher Learning
Lesson 5: Being in relationships
1. It's All About You
2. How Relationships Work
Exercise One
3. Attraction
Exercise Two
4. Personal Responsibility
Exercise Three
5. First Do No Harm
Exercise Four
6. What Are Emotions?
7. Communicating
8. Sex
9. Commitment
10. The Nature of Abuse
11. What's Normal?
12. Self-Worth and Self-Esteem
1. It's All About You
Your relationships are really about you. Our first duty, in relation to anyone else, is to be true to who we are. We are responsible for that. We need to know who we truly are, and act that way.
Sometimes we tend to think — and feel — that relationships are about the other person, that a relationship is about what the other person is saying, feeling, thinking, desiring, or doing. Well, not really. That is certainly a consideration, and something we may be aware of. But, we do not live to satisfy other people; of course, they do not exist merely to satisfy us, either.
On the most basic level, we are here to be who we are. We are not to be molded, shaped, defined, manipulated, or controlled by others — to take our identity from how others are to us, what they think of us, or how they feel toward us. None of that is, really, our business; and it isn't anything we can ultimately control, either.
No one else "makes" us the way we are. No one else makes us think or feel the way we do about ourselves. We already have that — those thoughts, feelings, and desires — within us. We already have our judgments about ourselves, which we carry with us. We have our own self-concept, and we find ways to manifest or express that, consciously or unconsciously. We choose how to be (or act) in relation to others, just as we choose how to be in relation to ourselves. And those internal choices greatly affect how others are towards us — outwardly.
For example, if we have low self-esteem, we may have relationships in which we either experience low self-esteem, or find a way to bury or compensate for those feelings. If we don't know who we really are, inside, neither will anyone we relate to. If we don't have peace, love, and happiness within us, we will not be able to bring them to a relationship. If we have unresolved feelings of guilt, anger, or upset, those affect how we are towards others and how others are towards us.
Your relationships always come down to you. And that is a good thing. Because that is always something you can do something about.
You can only work one side of a relationship: your own.
You can only change one thing: you, your own experience, the way you relate to others.
People have their own inner nature, desires, intentions, agendas, purposes, or goals. Sometimes they may agree with yours, other times they simply do not. You need to be aware of that.
If you imagine that you can change someone to suit you — to meet your expectations or demands, to satisfy your desires — you are missing the point entirely. Relationships are an opportunity to step out of that egotistical, selfish, immature, unsatisfying place, and come more into a place of authentic self, giving kindness, maturity, and self-satisfaction. This is, of course, the opposite of what you may have "learned" in relation to others, in the media, in the incessant messages to "get what you want when you want it."
A common fallacy is that everyone is here for you to get what you want from them. The truth is, no one is here for you to get or take what you want from them. No one. Others are here for you to find what you have to give of your self — not to take from them.
This may seem far too simple or obvious, but it is fundamentally true: other people are not here to be the way you want them to be; they are here to be the way they want to be. You are here to be the way you want to be. If two people are in agreement, compatible, or mutually supportive, fine. If not, don't even think of trying to change someone else to be the way you want them to be. That is a losing game.
In the simplest terms, your life needs to be an expression of who you are, within you, rather than a reaction to how others are, outside you. Ultimately, you need to know that you can experience what you are looking for, within you, rather than mistakenly trying to find it or get it from someone else.
2. How Relationships Work
The things we "learn" in our lives about how relationships work, often do not work for us. Our models for relationships, especially in single-parent families, with painful divorces, are models of failure not success.
We often choose to be with people who are similar to us in some way, usually to reinforce our own self-concept, similar social conditioning, mutual programming, common thoughts, feelings, or desires. We think that this makes us more of who we are.
Though it may be comforting on some level to be with others who are like us, who reinforce our social conditioning or accept our behavior, that does not necessarily allow us to grow — or to come closer to who we truly are. In other words, typical social interactions do not create a space for authenticity, but more often favor the acting out of habit, programming, ego, emotion, illusions, and desires.
Two people can meet, and notice a kind of similarity or possible compatibility, common interest, mutual goals, shared feelings, common thinking, or mutual desires. When they choose to act on their perceptions, interpretations, and desires in relation to each other, they develop a personal relationship. But, that doesn't mean they have any idea what they are really doing.
Generally, we want what we don't have, what we feel we are missing or don't have enough of. If we feel we already have something, we may no longer want it. We may start to look for something else. Basically, we look for what we feel we lack inside us. Though not necessarily the best way, this is the way relationships usually work.
Exercise One: Briefly survey your relationships. What are you looking for, what do you want? Is there a common thread to what you experience in your relationships? What do you usually feel when you are with people close to you? What influences how you feel with different people? What do you wish to experience in relation to a partner, spouse, friend, peer, or relative?
People who "support" us in our programming, social conditioning, and desires or ambitions, are generally thought to be "good" for us. Those who challenge our beliefs, our comfort zones, our position, or our self-concept, are usually interpreted as being "bad" for us. Of course, this is often the exact opposite of what really is good for us; so, it is important to look at how you define "good" and "bad."
When we don't know how to find what we need within ourselves, we go off in search of what we need in others. We imagine they have what we need and will give it to us. But, that simply does not happen. No one can give you what you need to find within you, what you are lacking within you. You have to find love, peace, happiness, wisdom, and wholeness within you. Those things do not come from someone else.
People are generally attracted to external appearances, personality, the physical body, career and financial standing, social status, cultural assimilation, socialization — rather than the deeper or authentic self. They rarely see the authentic self, because few people express their true selves. We act as we think others want us to be, how they expect us to be, or how we might impress others. More often than not, we look to the outer markings of, for example, social standing. Our perception often stops there. We don't look deeper, and neither do others. We are all so much more than we act as, socially.
We all bring our illusions to our relationships, and the false hope of satisfying them through others. That is why so many relationships do not really work: illusions don't work in reality.
What works is: coming closer to reality, truth, love, and connectedness — within you. Remember, you can only work your side of a relationship. Anything you expect to get, imagine you are getting, or believe you are getting from another person might disappear at any time.
Often, people who are acting as someone they are not — whether out of ego, wanting to be in some social clique, or because they don't really know who they are on a deeper level — connect with other people who are doing the same. They project an image they think will get them what they want, and this charade is played out, consciously or unconsciously, act after act, by both parties. You can see this in insecure teenagers, in bars, in sexual behavior, and in abuse with drugs. The ways in which we accept or open up to other people — and their influence upon us — are not necessarily in our own best interest. Two of the most recognizable "connections" people experience are mutual desire, wrongly interpreted as "love," and mutual programming, wrongly interpreted as "being alike," "being cool," or "being in love."
Trying to find what you lack in yourself, in others, only results in greater illusions. And it doesn't help if two people have the same illusions, same programming or same desires. Rather than validating who they truly are, they merely prop up their mutual illusions, until, as they say, "the honeymoon is over." They wake up one day and say, "What was I thinking? What did I imagine I was seeing? Where did it go? How come I never saw the reality, the truth of things? What was I seeing?" The answer is: illusions. This happens in intimate relationships, business negotiations, the educational system, the political arena, virtually everywhere.
Unfortunately, our society, the media, and popular role models teach us how to have relationships that do not work. And, we become so unaware, so programmed to do as we have learned from others, that we go about it all wrong, believing we are all right.
Very simply, if your model of relationships comes from the media or typical social programming, you may be looking for what you want in all the wrong places. Realize, you can find a better way of being and relating with others — which actually works to create lasting, fulfilling relationships.
3. Attraction
Our parents, friends, family, culture, and the media, all influence us on a subtle level, and we are often not even aware of it. We may be attracted to a certain body type, a certain type of personality, someone who may be a lot like us or unlike us. Usually, when we feel an attraction, we interpret it as being "right, good, and true" for us. But, attraction is not always a reliable indicator of whether someone is right for us.
It would be nice if everything and everyone we were attracted to was good for us. We could eat all the ice cream we like, drink all the beer we want, play all the video games we want, and satisfy every impulse, urge, compulsion, drive, desire, want, or "need," and be happy. But, would we really be happy? Would we really have what we ultimately want, what would satisfy us? Not necessarily.
Basically, we do not necessarily want, attract, choose, or accept what is best for us. Think of what people often do in order to "feel good," no matter how self-destructive that behavior might be, especially when they are addicted to something. Extreme neediness is wrongly interpreted as some sort of promise of ultimate fulfillment, when it is in fact the opposite. We want what we want, regardless of the larger consequences or ultimate effect on us or our lives.
The question we need to ask ourselves is: What are we attracting, and attracted to, in our lives? And what "needs" are we satisfying? The most obvious level of attraction is the most external, gross, physical level, but attraction can also be more subtle, psychological, emotional, or spiritual. However, attraction, desire, and emotion are not necessarily accurate measures of real need. Being willful, selfish, or ambitious about what you want is not the solution — it is part of the problem.
There is a saying: "like attracts like." But, like often repels like, and opposites often attract. Two similar poles of a magnet push away from each other, finding no attraction. Two opposite magnetic poles — two people who are unlike or even opposite in many ways — are pulled towards each other. They may feel a sense of attraction to what seems to be quite unlike themselves.
This is why good girls are attracted to "bad boys," and why good boys are attracted to "bad girls." We want what we don't have, or what we feel we are missing.
We desire what we are programmed, conditioned, or made to want. Emotional reactions and desires do not come from a place of greater truth, goodness, or rightness within us. Realize, emotion and desire are not an accurate indication of what we need or what is right for us. And, fantasizing about what we desire isn't a solution, either.
Exercise Two: This is an exercise in awareness. Allow yourself some time to be with the following questions. Sit with them, and be aware of the thoughts, feelings, and desires that come into your awareness.
Questions: Take a moment to think of a time when you may have been attracted to someone. What feelings came up? What did it feel like in your body; how was your mind affected; how was your behavior affected? Where did you feel the attraction; what part of you was being pulled or drawn to them? Was there a feeling of lack in you, that you felt they could fill? In what way? What do you want in a relationship partner that is similar to the way you are? What do you want in a relationship partner that is different from the way you are?
We may be attracted to a person who has the same qualities, nature, programming, or energy as someone else in our life: perhaps our mother or father. The person may not look the same as our mother or father, but they may play a similar role, cater to the same self-concept we have, uphold the same illusions, match the same level of self-esteem, or meet the same "needs." If a parent has been absent in our life, for whatever reason, that leaves an impression on us, too. We may find ourselves in a relationship with someone who is also "absent" for us: emotionally, physically, psychologically, or spiritually.
The limiting patterns of behavior we "learn" in life are like magnets for attracting a person who can play out the other side of the pattern. For example, if we have been abused, if we have low self-esteem, we may attract someone who will continue to perpetuate that limiting pattern for us, who may mistreat, put down, or even abuse us. We may wonder how this happened — the person may not have appeared to be that type, but all of a sudden, there we are, in the same old abusive pattern. We have been shaped that way on a subtle level, and found a matching piece to our puzzle.
The reason there are so many traumatic, hurtful, distressing, and demoralizing divorces, is that we see others through the filter of our own illusions, and when those illusions leave, we leave. We never even get close to what our true self wants or needs. Instead, we merely act out our ego, emotions, and limiting or destructive patterns of behavior — as does our relationship partner.
A child is shaped or conditioned by their parents' behavior, attitude, energy, thoughts, emotions, desires, and expectations. As an adult we need to go beyond that. It is just too limiting, whether we are conditioned to accept the same comfort and security, or perhaps, neglect and abuse.
Physical and sexual attraction are the least significant aspect of adult relationships. The more you are fixated on these physical factors, the less likely you will find any deeper level of honesty, caring, sharing, or love.
The more you imagine you are getting what you need from someone else — someone who sustains your need of them — the less likely you are to find what you really need within you. As time passes, you may feel frustrated in not getting what you really need, from others.
In reality, you cannot get what you need within you from someone else, no matter how attractive they may appear to you, or you to them. It is often a delusion, self-deception, or fantasy that they will somehow fulfill you, or you them.
4. Personal Responsibility
Personal responsibility is the acceptance of yourself as accountable for your own choices and actions in life, and in your relationships. Responsibility is not about burden; it's about greater personal empowerment and growth in your relationships with others and your self. Responsibility is self-acceptance.
You always have been, are now, and always will be entirely responsible and accountable for yourself and your choices in life. Accepting your own personal responsibility is the basis of establishing proper relationships with others.
Realize, what you experience in life is not necessarily fair, understanding, loving, or supportive of who you truly are. But, what you do about it is your choice and your responsibility. You make of your life and relationships what you will.
You have chosen, created, and accepted your life by your choices, even if you are unaware of or choose to give up your choices. Since you are responsible for yourself, it empowers you to consciously accept responsibility in your life. If you don't, you still remain responsible for your choices — that doesn't change.
Exercise Three: Consider your personal responsibility in your relationships. Are others there to approve of you, right or wrong; are they there to judge you, to give you needed perspective on yourself; to help prop up your ego; to give you emotional support; or, to help you to be a better you?
Do you see how others may act in an analogous way to how you think and feel about your self? In what way do you think of yourself differently from how others treat you? In what ways are you willing to give up "support" for who you are, or what you may have experienced in the past, for the choice to be authentically you — in relation to others? What would you rather have in your life, in your relationships, now?
Finally, complete this sentence: "When I take responsibility for how I am in relation to others, and consequently, how they are in relation to me, ..." (keep going, until you can think of nothing else)
Can you see how you live with your choices? This is your responsibility. You make those choices, and live with them; others make and live with their choices. Personal responsibility frees you from having to live with the limiting choices of others — you can see them as choices that others have made for themselves but which you need not make for your self.
Responsibility is not a burden that you are stuck with, but a relief from the many false burdens (and self-limitations) you may carry with you through life.
With free will, you make choices at each moment. Taking responsibility for your self by breaking free from past programming, invalidation, and self-negating conditioning helps you to make the choices which are true to you, now.
You are responsible for accepting or rejecting wrong influences or programming, within you and in relation to others; don't let these influences go unchallenged by you. Accept the power to choose to be free from what is not right, good, or true; and allow yourself to experience a truer state of being within your self. Realize, with free will, you make choices at each moment. Make the choices which are true to you, now, taking responsibility for your self by breaking free from past programming, invalidation, and self-negating conditioning.
As a result, you may feel more truly aware in your self, or more "real." Coming from a place of true personal responsibility, you can face reality and give up illusions, programming, and denial, which block personal empowerment. Empowered in your self, you are also somehow humbled, freed from the need to manipulate and control everything and everyone around you, which is just ego.
You may begin to realize that you can create what you truly want in your life, and in your relationships, without being trapped by ego and emotion. Realize, you are responsible for the choices you make in relationships. This does not mean that you are responsible for the way others act towards you. People act according to their own inner nature, not according to how you "choose" for them to act. You are not responsible for the wrongs which others have done to you, or which they choose to do to themselves.
Others must accept responsibility for their own lives. Remember, you can only pretend not to be responsible for your own choices; a "lack of responsibility" degenerates into denial or blame of others, selfishness, or manipulation of others to get what you want in life. Let others be responsible for themselves.
Personal growth, and the growth of loving cooperation in relationships, depends upon accepting personal responsibility. Each person must choose what they want in their own life. Each person does have that power because the power comes with responsibility, and each person is responsible. Choose wisely; choose love.
5. First Do No Harm
First, do no harm. This is the healing oath which Western doctors take, and it should be the healing oath we affirm in all our relationships. You can also think of this as "impeccability," the choice to do no wrong, to do the best you can, to honor the truth, the highest, and let go of anything less.
"First, do no harm," is the first rule of being in relationship with anyone. Going against this higher principle can cause a great deal of suffering for you and others. How often do we do this?
Exercise Four: This is an exercise in awareness. Allow yourself some time to be with the following questions. Sit with them, and be aware of the thoughts, feelings, and desires that come into your awareness.
Questions: Consider your relationship with your self. In what ways do you compromise what you know to be right, good, and true for you? In what ways do you not love yourself, respect yourself, or correct yourself or your behavior? What limiting or self-destructive patterns of behavior do you engage in; what addictions and dependencies do you have? How do you bring less of who you truly are to your relationships with others?
Questions: Consider your relationships with others. In what ways do you compromise what you know to be right, good, and true for you? In what ways do you not love yourself, respect yourself, or correct yourself or your behavior? What limiting or self-destructive patterns of behavior do you engage in; what addictions and dependencies do you have? How do you bring less of who you truly are to your relationships with others?
Can you see how these two areas of experience — the inner relationship with yourself and the outer relationship with others — seem to go along with each other? Another way of looking at this, is that your outer relationships tend to demonstrate or "prove" your relationship with yourself. However you are to your self, whatever abuse or hurt you feel is "justified," within you, you may allow others to do to you. And, until you heal or release your self from such behavior, you inevitably bring it into relationships with others.
Limiting and self-destructive patterns of behavior are conditioned; they exist on a deeper level. We don't have to think about them, or be aware of them — and often we are not — in order to act them out in our lives. Sooner or later, the circumstances of our lives and our present relationships manifest these patterns. For example, in marriage we are often attracted to someone who accepts us as we are, and who sees little if anything wrong with us. Later on, however, we find that unresolved issues from the past seem to play out in our current relationship: issues regarding abuse, judgments, lack of respect, resentments, disapproval, hurt, anger, guilt, and so on. We may find ourselves acting towards our children in the same way our parents acted towards us, even if we thought we would be different.
So, in order to "first, do no harm," it is necessary to be aware of how you are in relation to your self, be aware of what you bring to relationships with others, and take responsibility for releasing yourself from self-limiting, self-destructive, hurtful, or wrong behavior or relationships. Much of the time you can learn to get free, even within a relationship. Other times, the only thing that will work is to step out of the relationship, especially if there is any abuse or destructive behavior occurring.
When you think about it, if you really care about someone (and this includes your self), you wouldn't want to have them be negatively affected by past experiences, behaviors, or hurts — or go through pain and suffering, now. You would want to see them be free from such things. This is why it is important to get free from such things as best you can, rather than act them out in innumerable relationship problems, which bring more suffering. Wouldn't it be better to be free from all that oppresses you, all that brings you down, and move towards more and more peace, joy, and love? This is a choice you make.
First, do not harm. Learn what this means, and learn how to do it.
6. What Are Emotions?
Emotions are feelings; you can be aware of them without having to act on them. Awareness of your feelings is an important part of your relationship with others and your self. Emotional clearing, or the release of upset feelings, is one of the more important healing needs which arises in relation to others, and in you. The idea is to learn to be aware of your feelings — not to act them out.
The emotions or feelings that are most important to free your self from include: anger, sadness, fear, hurt, and guilt, the so-called negative emotions. By recognizing and acknowledging such feelings, and not believing in them, you will no longer be influenced, persuaded, or controlled by them.
If you do not recognize feelings as they come up within you, you may begin acting out your emotions or become overshadowed by them. Or, you may ignore your feelings by suppressing them, causing discomfort and eventual dis-ease. There is a cycle to emotion: you may notice that what you think, or what happens in your life, seems to justify your feelings. But, you can learn to let negative feelings go, as well as thoughts or justifications for having those feelings — which tend to anchor emotions, or become self-negating patterns of behavior.
Be aware that negative reactions and behaviors are triggered emotionally. Sometimes, the things which appear to upset you, on the surface, may not be the real cause. Some emotional upset may have been stored inside, gathering energy for some time, before finally finding release in whatever circumstances foster those emotions.
Learn what it means to be aware of your self as separate from the emotion, being somehow detached from it. This is the first step in breaking any emotional activation, attachment or bond. Negative emotions have no inherent value; they only upset you and displace you from your self. You know how much better it feels to begin to separate from emotion, to look at it as if from a distance, to come back to self, as the emotion passes from you. And you learn this by practicing centering, daily.
Simply being aware of or acknowledging your emotions helps to clarify them; but it also helps them to pass from you. Remember that it is all right to be aware of emotions within you, without having to act on them in any way. This is just giving them the space to be released. See if you can learn to recognize the difference between feeling "right" (which is often ego), feeling right about expressing or acting out your emotions (which is also often ego), or having a feeling that something really is right (which is being true to your self).
True awareness sees through emotion; otherwise your thoughts follow your emotional reactions, and so may your behavior. Greater awareness produces less emotional reactiveness. In this way you may learn to control negative emotions and their effects in life. This is emotional maturity and responsibility, which works for you and in your relationships.
7. Communicating
In communicating with someone, speak to them as you wish to be spoken to:
- do connect with them; don't fight with them
- do share your feelings, with integrity; don't scream or shout at them, don't blame them
- do support them, uplift them; don't belittle them
- do heal with them; don't hurt or abuse them
- do respect them; don't judge them or resent them
- do keep yourself open to love; don't shut them out
- do cooperate and work with them; don't try to control them
- do tell the complete truth, be yourself; don't be dishonest with them, or yourself
- be calm and centered in your self; don't be emotionally reactive to them.
Treat your self with the same kindness and compassion. Break the emotion/ego bond or attachment, and let each person stand in and rely upon their own self. Learn to simply be with someone, without activating your ego, emotions, desires, judgments, criticism, or blame.
A workable approach to communicating or sharing your thoughts and feelings with others is:
1. Tell them what you are experiencing, what you know and feel inside you — in your self, not the ego. Tell them what you need from them, or what you want. Tell the truth, without trying to manipulate them or pressure them in any way.
2. Then, honestly listen while the other person shares what they know or feel inside them — without evaluation or judgment or argument or deciding who is "right" and who is "wrong." If you hear judgment or resentment, just hear it; don't resent it or try to defend yourself. Fighting is not communicating.
3. Alternate when the other person indicates they are through — not when you choose to jump in with a point of your own. Keep alternating; one speaks while the other listens. Keep trying to come closer to the truth. And, realize that what they say to you is as important to them, as anything you may have to say.
4. When each of you, honestly, feels complete, find an area of common agreement, or truth. If you disagree, agree to disagree, without any closing sarcastic, manipulative, or judgmental remarks. Don't just rehash your positions; rather, be willing to be more aware of, to open yourselves to, and to accept, the truth.
Realize, communication is more meaningful and effective in person. Today, people are too willing to communicate through electronic media rather than face to face, heart to heart. The current generation, with its preference for "techno-relating," chooses to have meaningless, anonymous sex over the Internet rather than actually getting to know someone, have a relationship, make a commitment, or seek something beyond the most superficial level of relating.
8. Sex
At the risk of stating the obvious, sexual activity is basically about movement and play, and the need to be in an intimate, loving, trusting relationship with someone. These are needs we had as infants. The extent to which we felt accepted, nurtured, safe, free, and able to move and play — way back then — affect how we go about satisfying those same needs, today.
Clearly, all sexual activity is not entirely based on the need of the species to reproduce. Most of the time it is for the purpose of seeking pleasure, intimacy, and a deeper sense of acceptance by another person. Sometimes it is about seeking a sense of physical release, or an attempt to fill a lack within us. An act of physical release is not the basis of growth — especially the growth of consciousness or self-realization, love, trust, or intimacy.
The first thing to know about sex is that it is not a real physical need. You need food, nourishment, water, air, and physical safety. You do not need sex. It just feels that way. The intensity with which you may feel a need for sex relates to how much you feel you are lacking within you, how programmed you are by your society, how little or how much sense of self you may have, or how much you wish to share love. Most often, no matter what we may tell ourselves, or our partners, sex is not really just about "love." It is not so much a wanting to give as it is a desperation to get, to get something from someone that will make us feel "more." In other words, sexual activity often comes from a place of lack within us — and it is this lack which needs to be resolved, rather than "filled" with sex. Sex is, clearly, only a temporary "fix" for a need which cannot be satisfied, though we might try to do so over and over, or throughout our lives. Perhaps you can see that that need is not merely physical.
Sexual activity does satisfy physical cravings, or release pressures and stresses. It does satisfy the urge to engage in an act of reproduction, if that is what is desired. But more than this, it involves the more subtle levels of our experience, beyond the physical — that is, the emotional, psychological, and, perhaps, spiritual levels.
Like the hierarchy of needs which Maslow defines, sexual activity has its own hierarchy of needs. Many people are content to satisfy their physical "needs." Others continue up the scale and seek to satisfy their emotional needs, their need for social acceptance, their need for growth, the need to know more fully who they are on a deeper level, the need to transcend themselves, or, perhaps, a deeper spiritual longing.
Some people experience becoming "more" from sex, while others may experience a feeling of becoming "less." It is of value to understand what this is about. Most often what people feel more of in sex is their ego-emotional nature, their personality, their externally-derived sense of self. In fact, some people measure their performance in sex by how elevated their ego or emotions become. Others measure their satisfaction by the degree of pleasure they derive. Still others have a sense of how connected they are to who they are on a deeper level. And, they are not satisfied with physical release, pleasure, emotion, or ego — they want a deeper connection than that.
This brings us to the more spiritual aspect of sexual activity. In sex, you generally get what you are looking for. If all you want is physical pleasure or an ego boost, that's what you'll focus on and get, or not. If what you want is something deeper, then you need to focus on — or be cognizant of — a deeper level of your experience. You become more aware of or realize who you really are, on a deeper level. Here's a clue: you are not your body, you are not your emotions, you are not your ego. You are the inner being, the silent witness to all that you experience. Move closer to that.
Spiritual sex is not about moving your body for a specific purpose, but rather about this heightened state of awareness, realization, and connection. The physical act becomes far less significant than the deeper experience of inner connection. You open up to who you are, more and more, going more deeply within. This is, perhaps, the truest need which sexual activity may satisfy — the realization of who you are, what you have to give within you, the flow of love and joy, creative expression, movement, and play, all together.
For some people, sex is not about sex. It is about other forms of physical stimulation or fantasy or desire which is not satisfied simply by having sex. For others, sex is not about sex either. It is about a greater spiritual connection and reality, transcending the physical or one's own needs — it is not at all about fantasies but about a greater reality and connectedness.
The idea here is to learn to be and accept who you are on a deeper level, and to do the same in relation to your partner. Neither person is there to use each other to satisfy needs, but rather to grow, together, individually. There can be no selfishness in this process, or "taking," but only giving, and ultimately transcending self to completely support another in their process of knowing themselves, too.
9. Commitment
Commitment is dedication to what is right and good and true — moment by moment. Commitment isn't unchangeable, determined in the past and then unquestioningly perpetuated into the future. It takes present moment awareness to discriminate between what is really true for you versus what is merely a trap of past programming or conditioning. Commitment is a true, conscious, free choice.
Before you consider workable commitments, you need to consider whether you have any commitments that are not true to you.
Many people are unfortunately committed to things which will bring them great emotional pain and suffering in the future. They have a false sense of loyalty to any choice they made in the past, because: they do not want to acknowledge they were wrong (they have too much pride); they are unaware of being exploited or used (they are conditioned to expect that abuse); they are trying to merely perpetuate the past (because it is harder to change); or they don't know better.
Many people are similarly committed to ego illusions. The ego places emphasis on whatever feels "good." This produces false attachments, not true commitments.
Love is not a "fix-all" for wrong relationships. Successful relationships do not come from compromising with what is wrong, or selling your self out for the sake of "harmony," approval, or some other ego-emotional satisfaction or "need." That is not a true commitment.
As you become more aware, you will give up many commitments — to whatever is wrong, outside you — and align yourself more closely with what is truly right, within you. This shows a true commitment, to the highest good of all.
It is sufficient to have a commitment to what is right and good and true; no further emotional/ego investment or attachment or obligation is necessary.
Commitment is acting in accordance with true inner awareness of what is right — not past programming. Find a place of conscience and will, inside you. Do not abandon true choices because of some external difficulties. Seek a larger, long-term, perspective.
Commitments are most often forsaken out of resentment, feelings of anger and hurt, and lack of integrity. It isn't possible to be committed, or consistent in your choices, when you act out of resentment. Resentment cultivates ego and selfish desires; you lose sight of the commitments that are really true to you.
Faithfulness is a commitment to truth and honesty; it is an agreement to not abandon what you know to be right and good and true, for what is not. Commitment and faithfulness have the greatest value when things come up in a relationship that might otherwise threaten it.
It is seldom the case that two people can experience a lot of love without other things coming up: deeper levels of sadness, hurt, fear, anger, or guilt. These may only become evident in the presence of love, in whose presence they may be released.
The idea is not to get used to upset feelings as being "normal" in a loving relationship, even though they do come up. They are coming up for release — not to be acted upon, dramatized, justified, rationalized, or believed. They simply need release, because their presence blocks the flow or experience of greater love. Remember, they are seeking release, not justification.
This is one of the most important points about relationships: if you allow emotions to pass from you, you will have a relationship which is less and less emotional. And that is a very good thing. It is not a sign that you don't love each other, or you don't care, or you don't have a connection, when the emotion diminishes or goes away. It is a sign of greater healing and personal growth, and commitment.
10. The Nature of Abuse
Abuse is epidemic in our society. It can ruin people's lives when they are unable to get past the damage that was done to them. Some people cannot ever love, trust, or open up to a relationship partner because of what they suffered previously, whether as a child or later on.
There are no easy answers to the problem of abuse. Certainly, if you have issues related to abuse, you may find it of value to seek professional advice and counseling.
Abuse is a violation and diminishing of the self. It reduces our sense of self, our sense of self-worth, our personal power, our finer feelings, and, sometimes, our capacity to love. Abuse and exploitation of any kind — whether physical, sexual, mental, emotional, financial, or spiritual — is never justified, acceptable, or right. It is a limiting pattern of destructive behavior, which tends to be accepted somehow until the pattern is broken.
We will discuss abuse to provide some perspective on the possibility of getting beyond this problem, because we believe it is possible to get past just about any problem. There is a better way to hold it, let go of it, get past it, release your self from it, or deal with the suffering — because suffering is inherently foreign to our nature. We are not made to suffer. We do not have suffering in our nature, in our spiritual essence. And, it is possible to get free from whatever is not truly a part of your self, your spirit.
That doesn't mean you can forget (or even, perhaps, forgive) abuse. The memory can remain, but the consequences need not run your life any more. Because we are able to make choices in the present moment, here, now, we can find and make better choices, choices which allow us to move forward, to no longer relive, re-experience, hold onto, or resent the past.
We can find that power, here, now, regardless of what we may have experienced in the past, because the past basically does not exist any more. Yesterday does not exist any more. Ten years ago does not exist any more. The past is, literally, past. We can find ways to let go of the past, constructively, to bring our power and consciousness and choice into the present moment, and be free.
What we need to seek is to return to wholeness of self; this does not depend upon anyone outside of you.
As hard to understand as it may be, abuse is most often done to "loved ones" who seem to be held in the relationship, tied to it; the abuser thinks that they will not or cannot leave. An abuser sometimes even thinks they are "loving."
The one who is abused may have the same thoughts: that they cannot get out of the abusing relationship, or that they are being "loving" by staying. The one who is abused may also feel guilty — as a result of resenting the abuse, feeling they are the cause of it, that they deserve it, or for merely wanting to leave the relationship. There may have been no way out at the time.
But that was then, and this is now. The past no longer exists; its hold is illusory; its power is not real.
Return to the present moment. If you are holding on to resentment, you need to know: resenting a limiting or self-destructive pattern of behavior only keeps you locked into the past. Resenting, contrary to what you may have thought, takes away your power, and displaces you from your center. Resentment takes away your self. Give up resentment now.
Resentment, of your self or others, robs you of your self and breeds inner conflict and upset feelings. Resentment means feeling justified in keeping your feelings — whatever they may be — rather than getting past them, and letting yourself be healed. Learn to make more loving, healing choices towards your own self, now. It is never too late.
11. What's Normal?
In our increasingly diverse society, just about anything goes. But, does that make everything "normal" or right or good or true? Not really.
"Normal" is merely an indication that there are a number of other people who have the same behavior; it is not an assessment of morality. Very often, the majority think, believe, or do things that have very little to do with what is right, good, or true. The majority is not always right; neither is any current idea of what is "normal."
Behavior which does not harm you or others is not by definition normal, as some psychologists would suggest. In our society, people live their entire lives without any real sense of purpose. Is that "normal" and therefore acceptable, or right, or good? It may be "normal" in the statistical sense of the word, but not in the sense of what we would consider right, good, or true.
Sexuality is one of the areas of life which has the most confusion as to what is normal. Since sexuality is ultimately in the mind, rather than in the sex organs, it is possible for a person to find just about anything to be sexually stimulating. That does not make everything "okay." We need to discriminate in our interpretations, morality, and choices, regarding sexual behavior.
Somehow, in our overly stressed and materialistic society, things which cause pain and suffering are considered not only "normal" but desirable and of value. It has become so difficult for people — especially young people — to find inner peace of mind, that they rationalize pain and suffering as a necessary part of joy and satisfaction. It has become rather normal to sit for countless hours of pain and bloodletting to get tattoos. At least a quarter of young people in the U.S. have engaged in this painful ritual, repeatedly.
So, even "personal" choices are made within the context of what is viewed as acceptable in our society. That doesn't mean we choose what is acceptable, automatically; rather, one person may choose to get tattooed to rebel against society, while another does so to fit in with their peers. Does the act of fitting in or rebelling have anything to do with what is right, good, or true? Not really.
Normal, common, popular, or acceptable does not mean good. "Good" is not a judgment made by society as to what is acceptable. Good is what honors the inner being, the authentic self. Most often a tattoo is a mark to label the non-self, the ego, the physical body, not the spiritual being.
It is increasingly "normal" for families to have a single parent. It is normal for most marriages to end in divorce. It is normal for mental patients to be warehoused in prisons in the U.S. It is increasingly normal for young people to drop out of high school; nearly a third do, now.
We need to question what is normal, why it has become normal, or what is imagined to be of value in it. The fact that some form of behavior overtakes our society does not prove that it is of some greater value; rather, the opposite is often the case. Society tends to encourage personal dysfunction, unworkable relationships, unfulfilling work, addictiveness, ego, sexuality, materialism, and lack of self.
It has been said that the goal of society is a minimally functional person, who has lost their real sense of individuality, who can be shaped by society at will. There was a time when a tattoo in our society was deprecated; it often indicated that a person was rebelling, or perhaps got drunk and got tattooed as a way of crossing a certain line of conscience. Does the "free" choice to be tattooed, marked, and bled, signify anything different today?
We are losing sight of how to be with others — and our selves — without hurt and pain, upset and separation. And that is not a good thing. In this vacuum, all sorts of behavior arises to satisfy the most delusive fantasies and desires. It is always a better choice to listen to your own inner conscience, what is right, good, and true, rather than being entirely shaped by your social conditioning, the desire to fit in or be accepted by others, or the programming to accept popular illusions about what has value.
Normal should be what is right, good, and true. Anything other than that — seen in the light of conscience — is not a true gauge of normality, acceptability, or value.
12. Self-Worth and Self-Esteem
Your sense of who you are, and your sense of worth, largely determines the relationships you have with others. Without a true sense of who you are, on a deeper level, or true self-respect, it can be difficult to find someone who respects and loves you — who you really are — on a deeper level, either.
There is a difference between self-esteem and ego. Being told you are great all the time, and everything you do is great, and there is nothing wrong with you at all, can appear to be a "cure all" for feelings of low self-esteem, but it is not. It is not self-knowledge, but rather adopting a big illusion about yourself. Illusions do not give you greater ability, wisdom, love, or truth, in reality; and they can be deflated as quickly as a balloon pricked by a pin.
Unfortunately, people with big egos, who act as if they own the world or are the center of attention, have learned how to draw other people into their illusions about themselves, or their overly inflated sense of worth. And, people do get drawn in. They do not look more deeply than the superficial way in which a person presents himself or herself. Often, they do not want to look more deeply into another person, because they do not wish to look more deeply into themselves. This creates the most superficial and meaningless relationships, often based upon appearances, what is fashionable, sex, having fun, and so on. None of those is the basis for a more deep and lasting relationship.
The most good-natured people tend to have little ego. The two are mutually exclusive. They think about the needs of others, sometimes before their own needs. They do not hold an inflated sense of self-worth, and do not promote themselves as if they were selling something. They do not act as if they own the world, or are deserving of everything. Often, they do not have a lot of self-esteem, because they do not get a lot of recognition, reward, approval, or acknowledgment.
A good-natured person may even find themselves in a relationship with a person with a different nature entirely, who uses or disadvantages them, who does not respect them, or who even abuses them.
It is important to have a true sense of your inner worth, self-respect, and an expectation of having progressive, loving, fulfilling relationships. Otherwise, you get what you settle for. And, people so often settle for much less than they truly deserve. We all deserve love, respect, acknowledgment, and appreciation. If you are not getting that from someone, realize that you are being compromised — who you are inside, spiritually, is being oppressed, ignored, or compromised. And you need not accept that. Being with others does not mean being less true to your self.
Look at the people you relate to in your life. Do they take you higher? Or do they bring you to a lowest common denominator, with very little to uplift you? Are you settling for less because you don't think — or feel — very highly of yourself? Who has made you feel less? Who has damaged or eroded your self-esteem, self-respect, self-worth, or expectation of something more?
Look at your choices, the behavior you engage in which may gain the approval or acceptance of someone, or which may provide some rudimentary pleasure or fun or familiarity, but which does not raise you up, which does not make you a truly better person. Be aware of the choices you make, daily, from moment to moment, to compromise yourself. And find the courage to make better choices.
Being in a relationship with someone does not mean losing your self. It does not mean giving up your hopes and dreams. It does not mean ignoring your spiritual worth or growth because of lesser "needs." It does not mean catering to feelings of lack of worth. If you want to demand more of your relationships, demand more of your self; you may find that you need to change your relationships, especially your relationship with your self, before you meet with simple honesty, love, respect, and spiritual recognition. You need to have that relationship with your self, first.
You really don't want to have a lasting relationship in which you are not being true to your self. But don't use that as an excuse to have meaningless relationships in the interim, while you "wait" for the one you want. A pattern of settling for less, and compromising yourself, is very hard to get out of. You may find that you are comfortable settling for less, and rationalize that, choose, it, and accept it. It becomes your programming, your pattern. That is the problem, not the solution. You are worth more than that. Make that better choice, daily, and you will find what you really want, a lot sooner.