Higher Learning
Lesson 4: Being your authentic self
1. Who Are You?
Exercise One
2. Ego
3. A Simple Way of Being
4. Popularity
5. Validation
6. Getting Centered
Exercise Two
7. Staying Centered
8. Acting from Your Center
9. Dealing With Stress
Exercise Three
10. Payoffs
11. Addictive Behavior
12. Alcohol and Drugs
13. Forgiveness
14. Affirmation
Exercise Four
1. Who Are You?
Most people get out of school having learned many things, but having little or no idea who they really are. How can that be? When you don't know who you are, you may adopt labels, try different behaviors that are not really true to who you are, or take your identity from externals, especially everything related to your physical body, appearance, and ego. None of which is really you.
You are not your tattoos (and it doesn't matter how many you have).
You are not your race, religion, nationality, sex, or ethnic background.
A label — an externally applied definition of who you are — takes all that is unlimited and infinite and free in you, and puts it within the most narrow, restrictive, finite limits. A label solidifies your self-concept, the way the world views and treats you, and the consequences you experience. Wearing a label is not the way to live as a true, free, creative, empowered, unrestricted being.
We are all born with labels; we might just as well have a label on the back of our necks which describes how we will be cared for, treated, fashioned, used, or abused. That label has less to do with who we truly are inside, than it does the body and social conditions into which we are born.
There are perhaps as many as a hundred million people, men, women and children, who live in slavery today, around the world. That institution has never disappeared from this world, nor does it show any sign of remission. A person who is born in those circumstances, or is put in that place because of social, economic, or other factors, often wears that label their whole life, as do their children. That is, perhaps, an extreme case of what it means to wear a label — an ownership label — throughout one's life. But, we all wear labels, to some extent. Every label we wear enslaves us to something outside us, whether it is economic, racial, legal, academic, social, financial, or otherwise.
A person born in America, who is of African American heritage, most likely has a history of slavery in their family's past. It is not that long ago that a person with this heritage experienced a tremendous lack of opportunity in life, even if they were not a slave. Until very recently, they were dehumanized by the dominant social system. People of color could not drink from a fountain that a white person used, walk into a hotel through the front door, sit where they liked in a movie theater or on a bus, and so on. And it didn't matter how rich or educated or good a person they might have been — that label was applied to everyone of African descent merely because of the color of their skin. That label or one very much like it has been applied to those of Asian, Mexican, and Native American origins as well.
It is all too easy to deprive a person of their basic humanity — their right to be human, to be who they are — by labeling them. Society — especially the male, white, property holding majority — has demonstrated little tolerance for the rights of others, historically. This has been going on for thousands of years, it didn't just start yesterday. And so we inherit labels, and society agrees to apply them. Historically, we have had little say if we wished to reject those labels as being too narrow, demeaning, dehumanizing, or inappropriate. Those who spoke out were routinely righteously beaten, tortured, and killed by the dominant culture.
So, when we speak about "who you really are," we are well aware of all of the false labels and limitations that society might generally agree on — and we reject all of them. We do not accept any labels or limitations. We are not in agreement with society in any way that denies any human being their basic rights, humanity, freedom, and opportunity in life.
Race, religion, sex, ethnic background, social status or position, economic status, political ideology, and so on are deeply held bases of denial of human rights and dignity, as much as we might imagine they are not. In our quest to honor who we truly are, many people reach for these convenient social labels — and rather than rejecting them as racist or sexist or unfair, embrace them as a way of defining who they are. Or, who they think they are.
Exercise One: Think about who you are, or who you think you are. Make a list of all your labels. Identify yourself by saying, "I am _______(fill in the blank"; you can also use, "I am not _______ (fill in the blank)." There is no need to censor or be politically correct. Tell it like it is. Say exactly who and what you are, and what you stand for.
Not disrespecting anyone's tradition or background, we can only say that you are more — much more — than what can be defined by any worldly label. If you find value and meaning and a sense of identity in your tradition or heritage that is fine. But, we are saying there is much more to who you are than those outward indicators.
Perhaps at some point in the exercise, you realized that you were running out of labels. If not, you may wish to continue the exercise at a time of your own choosing. You may notice that at some point you really do run out of labels to describe yourself, or labels that others use to "get" who you are. You might even find that you come closer to who you truly are. You are not any of the labels that society — or you, by assimilation — has put on you. Nowadays, it is becoming very popular for young males and females to label themselves, literally, with tattoos — as if this marking on their skin defines who they are.
You may have a given colored skin, or be born into a given religion, or be born with one sexual identity or another, or have a given level of education, or have a given job, or have a given social or economic standing, or side with one political perspective or another — but that does not define who you are. It may describe how you act in the world. But, you are much bigger than that. You are the inner self, the inner being, who is not a byproduct of the world outside you. Your authentic self has no skin color or social standing. It is not defined by any external social label. It is your inner being, your consciousness, your true self.
Everything else is a label. And you can wear it or not. It's your choice.
We are not going to give you another label to wear, or tell you to be comfortable wearing the one you have. We are going to invite you to know yourself, deeply, beyond any outside labels.
2. Ego
Ego is everything you think you are, but aren't.
You're probably thinking: "Well, of course I'm me, who else do you think I am?" But the question is really: who else do you think you are? There are a million ways to be, and endless roles you can play in life, ways to identify yourself ... and there is only one way in which you are simply being you. It's very simple, but it can be easy to miss — sometimes for your entire life.
Children are often demeaned or put down by this question: "Who do you think you are?" Parents, teachers, and others may say this when they do not approve of us, when we are being too independent or free thinking, or if we are not conforming to their wishes, demands, or expectations. So, instead of their trying to reach out to us, to embrace who we are, they make us doubt who we are. We often carry this doubt about ourselves throughout our lives.
We all know people who are incredibly individualistic. They know what they like, what they want, how they want everything to be, and "who they are." They have a strong personality, and live by the motto: "I just have to be me. That's who I am." Of course, there is nothing wrong with this. But, very often, people who appear to be so strong, so distinctive in their preferences and desires, lack a deeper sense of self. Personality is not self. It is much more superficial. Personality is largely shaped by the world we live in — it is a set of choices as to how to fit in or how to be accepted, more often than it is a simple and free expression of the inner self. It is how we perform for others in our role. So, even those who have strong personalities can learn a thing or two about what it means to be more true to themselves, on a deeper level.
Holding on to your "individual personality" can be an excuse for not looking more deeply into yourself.
Have you ever seen someone who appeared to be driven in life (or maybe it could be you at some point in your life)? The person has goals, whether they declare them openly or not, whether they are aware of them or not. Something is driving them, as if they were a vehicle on a city road. Turn right here, go three blocks, turn left, park for one hour, have your appointment, and so on. You can almost look at them and see the roadmap, agenda, or schedule printed on their forehead. They know exactly where they are going — consciously or unconsciously — and do not deviate from their course.
Now, you might assume that everything is working for this person. They surely know who they are, what they want, and where they are going. But, often, this is not true. Often, this is precisely the kind of person who has never once stepped back, looked at him- or herself, and questioned anything in their life. Does this mean they already have all the answers, they know who they are, and they need not be troubled by such concerns as others might have? No. It just means that they are driven, and you do not know whether it is the result of one remark their father might have made when they were a child, telling them that they were stupid, which has driven them to prove to themselves or their father or the world-at-large that they are not stupid. They may get all kinds of advanced degrees, have all sorts of professional appointments, become a renowned authority, and not once act from their own true inner self. Instead, they are entirely reactive to — trying to prove or disprove the expectations of — others.
The fact that a person never questions their own motivations does not make them right, good, or true for them. Entire nations can have the most erroneous motivations and engage in the most egregious actions, and never question them. Think of the acceptance of slavery, or the subjugation of women, for ages, which continues all around the world to this day.
People go along in their assigned roles — assigned by their society, and what it considers normal — and never question why they do what they do, or the validity of the role they are in. It's just the way it is. Regardless of the time in history in which you are born, it is always just the way it is. And, it is your job to see beyond the expectations, programming, indoctrination, and reactiveness that govern your choices in life — which govern who you think you are, and your self-worth. Otherwise, you remain a slave to the thinking, behavior, expectations, oppressiveness, and illusions of your time.
Be thankful that you have the opportunity to question things, to not have to accept the way things are as the way they have to be. There is a current that runs through life, which causes your past to flow through the present moment into a very predetermined future. Your past is creating your future right now, at this very moment. And, unless you pull yourself out of that current, and find a place to stand in the present, there is little question that who you were yesterday will be almost exactly who you will be tomorrow, barring something unforeseen.
Some people find comfort in never changing. In fact, if you asked them if they wanted anything about themselves or their lives to be different, they would say no. Other people see the present moment as an opportunity for something better. They are willing to step out of a life that is otherwise predetermined in so many ways, and reclaim their power, here and now, and change the course of their entire lives. The truest motivation for this transformational change is to simply realize that you want to express who you truly are, in the highest sense.
Unfortunately, some of the most powerful "role models" are rewarded for being egotistical, arrogant, self-interested, self-absorbed, people — very much into power, position, wealth, authority, and their own importance. This is not what we mean when we talk about the "authentic self." These people, whether they are billionaires or leaders are as shallow, superficial, and phony as a three dollar bill. They are not going to be our model of "self." Most often, such people use everything outside themselves to prop themselves up, because they have so little true sense of self within them, and it doesn't matter how important they are, or how rich they are, or how envied they are by the masses — none of that can ever take the place of having and knowing and being at peace with your own true self. Nothing outside us can compensate for or cover up that real lack inside. In private, some of the most outwardly successful people lament the fact that they feel empty inside. Some seek young relationship partners to add excitement to their lives, or give to charity because they wish to be seen as philanthropists, but even then, do not find happiness in who they are — because they are still acting from ego.
Simply being your true self, living authentically, in the best way, in the highest sense — forsaking ego — is the only way to ultimately be happy with your self.
3. A Simple Way of Being
We begin with a very simple process to connect with your inner self, and your inner-directedness. It begins with simply closing your eyes, withdrawing your attention from the outer world, and putting it back within you. You pay attention to yourself, within, rather than being lost in or overshadowed by the world outside you. This place within you, your deeper being, your center, is always available to you. You just have to learn to look for it, acknowledge it, and honor it. It is a process of honoring your self.
Here's how to do it: Whenever you feel a need to connect with this place within you, place your right hand over your heart, close your eyes, and take a minute or two to just sit quietly. Take a few deep breaths, and let them out slowly; relax. Feel the sense of centeredness, the inner consciousness. And, if you need to know how to proceed in your life, to find your Way, ask that you be shown what you need to know or do. You can do this at night, before you go to sleep. If there is something that you could have done in a better way, just be aware of that; don't judge yourself harshly for it. See how you could have done better, and let that guide you. Be thankful for and appreciate learning a better Way. Then, when you are out in the world, live from this place in your heart; let it lead you in what you do, with grace, clarity, dignity, peace, goodness, understanding, and compassion. Listen to your heart. That is learning and practicing a better way of being.
That is a true way to live your life. Ask what is right, good, and true to you, in your own heart, and make your choices from that place in you. Live from a place of conscience, seeking at each moment to come closer to the truth and light within you. Contrast this with ignoring your own inner being, and yet trying to live in accordance with a set of external principles and dogma. The two are very, very different. The first way creatively flows from your inner being; the latter is imposed from without, and meets a lot of resistance or establishes an artificial conformity.
You will be amazed at the great changes that come from simply honoring your self, your inner-directedness, in this way. If you practice living from the center of your being, you will find that many things get reorganized in your life, in a noticeably positive way.
You may find that, over time, you can:
- Live in a space of truth, love, and simplicity, rather than in a problem space.
- Give up many of your problems.
- Give up ego.
- Give up self-justifying anger.
- Give up resentment.
- Give up living in the past.
- Give up the programming, indoctrination, conditioning, and propaganda of the past that is dictating your future.
- Give up your excessive worldly ambitions.
- Give up the things that have been driving you, chasing you, or running your life.
- Give up your petty addictions, the things that comfort you in your illusions.
- Give up the addiction to things of this world — alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, gambling, and so on — which make you feel good when you are not being good.
- Give up illusions of success that you get from sports, entertainment, or video games.
- Give up your mindless passage through life, and really start thinking for yourself.
- Give up being mindless, including the acceptance of everyone and everything just as they are. That is not Love, it is lack of discernment, lack of awareness, ignorance, and denial. It is the refusal to see the difference between right and wrong for your self.
- Give up your spiritual blindness or spiritual pride.
- Give up all of the falsehood you have held onto, or that you might once have preferred to believe.
- Give up wrong relationships.
- Give up lying to yourself and others; give up denial.
- Give up pretending to be what you are not.
- Give up caring what everyone else — or anyone else — thinks of you.
- Give up your excessive concern for appearances, including your own appearance. Appearances in this world most often are used to conceal the truth or reality of things.
- Give up whatever does not serve the highest good of all.
- Give up making habitual choices in every area of life. Make choices in the moment, at each and every moment that you can, to do what you know is right, good, and true, within you.
- Give up the excessive reliance upon outside authority, those who refuse to let you think for yourself.
- Give up expecting your leaders to solve all our problems.
- Give up the misguided belief that the experts and authorities have all the answers, or that you do not.
- Give up looking for love out there in the world, and learn to find the real love in you.
- Give up all of the things that destroy your peace of mind, that bring stress, upset, and problems into your life, and learn to find inner peace.
- Give up your worldly attachments. That means, material things you don't really need.
If you have never sought a true way of being, this may seem daunting. It may seem like a great yoke or burden. But, it isn't. Realize, it isn't giving up what really matters to you. It's just being the real you.
4. Popularity
Does popularity really solve our problems? Think of the typical adolescent or teenager who feels compelled to try to fit in and be accepted by his or her peers. Think of the things that she/he will value or bring into her/his life in order to "be popular": sex, drugs, smoking, inhalants, anorexia, bulimia, gang violence, crime, and so on. Is popularity and acceptance worth inhaling anything so harmful that it rots one's brain, literally? Ironically, it is those influences in all areas of society that help us to not only ruin our brains but our whole selves that are most popular.
Here's the bottom line on popularity: you do not need to be popular to be successful, happy, loved, appreciated, and valued in your life. You don't need to forsake conscience, morality, integrity, or a different perspective on life. Fear of rejection or being disapproved of often keeps us trapped in trying to fit in, trying to be like everyone else — someone other than who we really are. It is ultimately far more satisfying, creative, empowering, and fulfilling to live in a way that is true to you. And you can.
Many people go through their entire lives, dealing with everything outside them, without any sense of who they truly are inside. And they can be very "good" at that. They "learn" to control, manipulate, and "problem solve," in a way that lets them change or control things outside them — rather than ever having to change in any meaningful way, within them. In other words, they never really grow as a person.
Parents, teachers, family, friends, and peers all place their expectations upon you — and you adapt to meet their expectations (or in some cases, you rebel, and automatically become the opposite of what they expect, maybe without even thinking about it). This causes you to not simply be you. You become what others expect of you. And this pattern is handed down from generation to generation. Parents raise children by trying to shape them to be just like them; or else, it happens by the children assimilating the parents' attitudes, thinking, biases, behavior, and limiting patterns of behavior.
So, we find ourselves in a time when many children (of any age) have been through a "system" which has chewed them up and spit them out: parents get divorced, and when children go through the suffering of that, they often lose their way, their sense of self, and absorb a great deal of trauma. Many teachers routinely enforce an educational process which negates individuality, free thinking, creativity, intuition, and a sense of self-purpose — replaced by mandated programs that focus entirely on test results and irrelevant material. Peers introduce us to binge drinking, hooking up, and other meaningless escapes from the pressures and stresses of life — which do not ever solve our problems or help us in any real way, but are plainly self-destructive. Employers insist upon our fitting into the machinery of the workplace, and we become another cog in the wheel. Our individuality, our free and creative spirit, our sense of self gets lost along the way. And, unless we do something progressive — or transformational — to recover our own authentic self, we may go through life without ever coming close to who we really are. Or our true potential. Or our purpose. Or true fulfillment.
Is it your desire to be popular?
Popularity can mean that you have compromised your true self: you have conformed to the world, to the way others think, behave, act, and feel, what they desire, what they believe, and what they expect of you — very little of which may have any real meaning or value to your own true self.
Do you want to be more of who you truly are? Do you want to find all that is good and progressive and creative and free and strong, in you? Do you want something better, rather than just coping with the way things are, or what you have become? Do you want to regain your sense of self, your inner strength and purpose, true self-directedness?
This is a choice you make. No one can make this choice for you. No one can force you to be your true self — but they can convince you to be something other than your true self. Being your true self is a choice that only you can make. You can learn how to make the best choices for yourself. Then it is up to you.
The most true, original, and creative thoughts tend to be those which are not necessarily in agreement with everyone else, but which are in accordance with true inner conscience. The most important part of thinking is always to connect with your inner conscience, the part of you which knows what is right and good and true. The last thing you should ever want to do is to learn to think like everybody else, no matter how authoritative, official, or controlling they may be. You do not need your mind policed by others, but you do need to discriminate, your self. Do not let anyone else decide your truth. Learn to think for your self.
5. Validation
Unfortunately, we all tend to be invalidated in our lives, one way or another, demeaned, dehumanized, or devalued by others. The fact is, you are okay; it is the system that is not working. No one and nothing is supposed to crush your spirit, abuse you, manipulate and control you, demean or degrade you. Yet it happens. For example, just being a woman meant, historically, being totally invalidated, disenfranchised, ridiculed, labeled as sinful and inferior, and so on. What labels do you wear, today? It is time for us to get past all such invalidation, by a society that marginalizes those who are not in the majority — or at the top.
As you learn more and experience more of who you are inside, there are some things you come closer to or embrace, and some things you no longer identify with and let go of. You choose to allow more of what takes you higher, and you choose to release what does not — or what keeps you from moving forward. The better you know your self, the easier it may be to make these kinds of choices.
In learning who you are, and drawing more on your deeper resources, it is important to validate all that is good in you. Part of this process is recognizing how the experiences you may have had in some way tended to invalidate you. This is the time to build yourself back up, and return to a place of greater wholeness within you.
The first thing to know here is that the " comfort zone" you may have been used to is going to change. You may have been used to being invalidated in many ways, and come to accept that —accepted the labels that others have put on you or you have allowed to define you. In your "comfort zone" you may have felt more comfortable not being you than being you. Most people have behaviors that are self-limiting or even self-destructive, including all sorts of addictions: shopping, gambling, drugs, alcohol, pornography, tobacco, and so on. These are ways in which you may continue to invalidate yourself. Some way, somehow, your society, your parents, family, friends, peers, teachers, employers, or others may have made you feel less or think less of your self. Perhaps you were made to feel that you didn't belong, or that you weren't enough. The pressure or enticement to step out of who you are, to become more like what others expected of you, was self-destructive. It did not raise you up as much as it put you down. It invalidated you. And, you became locked into a habit pattern that denied your true worth, your self-esteem, your highest good. This is all too common in our society.
We'd like to invite you to step out of all of that. You might feel that you are "giving something up," but if you are honest with yourself, you will realize that you may only be giving up something that really isn't working for you, and accepting something much greater. What you get back, in the process, is you. The real you. Not the pressured, distorted, misidentified, "non-you" that you may have been playing for some time. But the real you.
In order to return to your own sense of purpose and meaning, you need to see how you have been invalidated. And see it as that: as a judgment or invalidation of you, which is separate from who you really are. You may have already internalized negative judgments about yourself: putdowns, abuse, and other belittling or hurt by others. We simply ask that you be willing to consider getting past all of that.
You have a higher purpose in living than remaining in a "holding pattern." If you have been invalidated in some way, you need to know that who you really are — deep within you — has never left you, has never become less, has never been damaged. You have never been made less. You have only been made to feel less, or to think less of yourself. And you can change that. You can validate all that is good within you, and let go of all that is not; you can validate what you know to be right, and let go of what is not. It is a choice you make. You can embrace that place in you which never lost its hopes and dreams — and reconnect with them.
It may be a bit uncomfortable to reach out, to leave your comfort zone, to venture into the unknown, or to be vulnerable in some way. The truth is, it is more uncomfortable to remain stuck or displaced from your self, unable to even imagine living your dreams. But, if you really want to, you can learn to act from your own core center.
6. Getting Centered
Some people need to be more centered in their head, others in their heart. The following centering process seeks to balance both. This is a process of coming back to your center, experiencing that place in you from which arise your true purposes, highest intentions, creative vision, inner peace and joy, and sense of self. This is who you are.
Your inner being — your self — is a consciousness. It is, by its very nature, calm, quiet, still. Centering is a process of acknowledging, attuning with, and knowing your true inner being. And the way to learn to be centered in your self is to withdraw from the outer world and turn within. This is done, gently, as an exercise, by letting go of any misidentification you may have with the "non-you": the ego, the physical body, the emotions, thoughts, desires, worldly attachments, illusions, invalidation, conditioning, programming, and indoctrination.
There is a place to stand, within you, to deal with everything outside you. You may wish to learn how to do this, due to any number of things that might trouble you. Or maybe just one thing throws you off balance. Maybe life has gotten harder in some way. Maybe you want to live your life not reacting to other people's desires, expectations, pictures, or purposes — as if they were your own. Maybe you wish to avoid suffering yet to come, or find peace in a troubled world.
Picture a candle flame. Blowing in the wind, it might go out at any time. Shielded by a hand, it is more likely to remain lit. Put a clear glass around it, and it becomes a "hurricane lamp," and no wind can put it out. The light shines through, and the outer turbulence just passes by. This is a metaphor for what it means to be centered in your true self.
For this exercise, you need about ten or fifteen minutes in which you will not be interrupted. This is the part in which you center in your self, in order to be able to deal more effectively with situations outside you, later. Leave those situations for a little later; it is not being irresponsible. You are simply choosing to center, to act from a place of peace, within you, here, now.
Please read the following instructions, even if you have done this process before, and then close your eyes.
Exercise Two: Begin by settling comfortably in your seat, and just relax. Close your eyes and take a few deeper breaths, for about a minute, and feel any tensions or anxieties begin to loosen their grip. In this process, very simply be aware of your breathing — the flow of the inward breath and the outward breath. You don't need to control your breathing in any way, just let your self be aware of it.
In the same way, do not try to control your thoughts or feelings or desires — just be aware of them, look at them, and let go of them. Let them go. Do not try to evaluate, judge, hold on to, analyze, or force anything.
If at any time you notice you have been lost in some thought or feeling, just quietly come back to your breath, and be aware of it, gently. Don't try to concentrate; don't try to do anything at all; that is straining. Just let your self quietly be aware of whatever you experience.
Whatever thoughts or emotions or desires or impulses come up, just observe them. No matter how strong they are, if you do not struggle with them they will pass.
Let yourself be calm, nonreactive. After about ten or fifteen minutes, begin to come out of the meditation process — take a minute or two, with eyes closed, to discontinue the focusing on your breathing. Just sit quietly. You will be settled, so come out slowly, gently. After a minute or so, slowly open your eyes.
As you can see, calmness is not something which is forced. It is allowed, within you. The idea is not to try to suppress the forces that pull on you — to try to make yourself calm. Simply be aware of the things that come up in your experience. Observe them calmly, as if from a distance. And learn to let them pass.
Were you aware of any of the following: feelings of anxiety, upset, guilt, fear, worry, helplessness, inadequacy, incessant mental activity, the excitation of emotions, the pull of desires?
At various times, you may notice how caught up you are in your thoughts, feelings, or desires. But, you are not your thoughts, feelings, desires, or physical sensations. Realize, they are not you. You don't have to hold on to them, believe them, or act on them. With this awareness comes greater clarity, choice, and freedom.
Your reaction to things outside you causes you to get caught up in them. When you hold on to those things, or attach your self to them, it causes greater upset or suffering. Losing your self in thoughts, feelings, desires, or sensations — and thereby losing any sense of control — weakens you. There is a better way to deal with the things that might otherwise overwhelm you, by centering yourself.
If you are lost in thought, realize it. If you lose your self in emotion, see that. Step back from your experience, come out of your thoughts and feelings — even for a moment. Just be aware. With awareness comes choice, the choice to come back to and act in a way that is more true to your own self.
In this centering exercise, if you have strong thoughts, simply notice them and mentally comment "having strong thoughts." And return to being aware of your breathing, in and out. The same for strong feelings; simply notice "having strong feelings," and return to being aware of your breathing. Quietly and gently do that with anything that comes up. This will allow it to be noticed or recognized, and pass more easily.
You can be calm even when you have thoughts, feelings, or desires, but this must be learned, practiced. If you do not feel any calmness, you may have some stress inside you which is being released; realize that it comes up to come out; don't struggle with it. Let it pass.
This is a process of learning how to be more easy with your self. You have been conditioned to be distracted from the quiet inner self, by everything outside you. Now, you can reclaim your own self.
With practice of this every day, you will learn to learn to center and to let go of stress daily. In this way, you will come to find a quiet place in your own self, beneath all of the surface upsets. Do this each morning and/or evening; you will learn to be more centered in your self, and many troubles will pass you by.
7. Staying Centered
The more you practice centering, the more you will learn to stay centered your self. You will find that this center, in the wholeness of your self, is more unbounded, more free from the effects of outer conditions than the part of you that is reactive to things outside you — the ego. The inner self is calm, nonreactive, undisturbed, unharmed, at peace, intact, whole. That is your true inner nature. Remember, this is a place in you which is safe and sound, secure, protected, out of harm's way.
Notice, the inner self does not take anything personally, or negatively. Only the ego does. The ego takes everything personally, reacts to everything, blames, judges, interferes, and tries to force everything. Remember what the feeling of calmness or quietness in you is like, in your inner self. You can learn to come from, or get back to, this place in you, in activity, when anything or anyone is about to get you out of it. That is how you know your true self, different from the ego.
Now, take a moment to gently be with your self, to feel centered in your self, with your eyes open. You don't have to do anything, just sit quietly.
Are you aware of what it feels like to be centered in your self, now?
The second part of this process is learning to remain in your center in activity — to learn to be free from the negative influence of stress, pressure, and intimidation. The way you can accomplish this is by learning not to be reactive.
Not being reactive means not holding on to inappropriate or ineffective responses to people and situations. It means not having — or letting go of — any judgment or resentment that may come up in you. Not being reactive means you are free to act calmly and powerfully from your center, in the present moment.
You may not be able to control everything in your life, but you can learn to control your own reaction. You can learn to protect the "inner flame," the inner self, by learning to not be reactive.
Think of the candle flame again. Protected by a glass holder, it becomes a hurricane lamp, and all turbulence passes by it. In your own life, you can put up a protective shield that will maintain your center and allow disturbances by pass around you, as well. The idea is to have a clear boundary which defines your own space, rather than putting up walls around you or trying to be unfeeling or selfish. Some people find it helpful to picture a golden flame within them, making a shield around them. Or you can picture yourself surrounded by an impenetrable, transparent, brilliant white flame, wherever you go.
The way to remain centered in activity is as simple and effortless as the way you did it when you meditated with eyes closed: be aware in your self, and let go. Simply let go of your reaction to whatever the person or situation brings up in you. You can be aware of it, noticing how you feel, but allow it to pass. Don't attach your self to it. This doesn't mean turning into a wimp. It means staying in your power, maintaining your balance, and not "falling" for how people act towards you.
This requires no great effort, no force, no analyzing, no rationalizing, no excuses, no trying to make things be a certain way. Rather than resenting not being able to control something outside you, you just let go of your own negative reaction, within you. You remain in your center, no matter how you are tempted by anyone or anything.
Your response, if one is even necessary, will come from your self, your centered self — not your reactive ego. This is how to be free from reactiveness. The result will be that you are not stressed, pressured, intimidated, controlled, or run by anything or anyone outside you. This is accomplished by simply letting go of any resentment or judgment you may have toward anyone, including your self. You will be unaffected by the things that used to run you.
8. Acting from Your Center
Acting from your center is about acting most appropriately, most powerfully, free from negative reactions. You learn to develop calmness, balance, and poise — in your self — in the midst of challenging, changing, even confusing, outside situations.
There are three factors in not being reactive: consciousness, choice, and commitment. You have already seen how you can simply be conscious in your self, in the meditation exercise. You were aware of your thoughts, feelings, and desires. That is consciousness.
And you chose to not get up and act on your thoughts, feelings, or desires, in the moment. You chose not to attach yourself to them. You just let yourself be. That is choice. You can choose consciously, in the present moment, precisely when you are about to get moved out of your center, to remain centered — or to come back to your center. You can choose to not take anything personally. Let whatever used to upset you, free you. See it as a reminder to simply come back to your self.
The final factor in remaining calm and centered is being committed to doing so. Make the conscious choice each and every time, to hold your space, to not react negatively, to not resent or judge anyone or anything. You will find that you can see more clearly what is right and what is not, and respond appropriately.
Remember the difference between your impersonal self and your reactive ego. The ego is overly dependent upon, and reactive to, everything outside you. The inner being is not dependent upon, or reactive to, anything outside you. The more you have of one, the less you have of the other.
Practice centering every day, and remain centered in activity. Learn what it feels like to act from your center, to stay in your center, and to return to your center. It is the key to effective choices and progressive actions in life.
Out there in the "real world" there are endless influences which tend to throw us out of our center, or which overshadow or override our sense of self. Take these as a challenge, not a failure to be centered. Take these situations — people, places, or things — as an opportunity to come back to your center. If you can do it in the moment, great. If not, do it as soon afterwards as you can. If you can find no chance to center, for example if you are in a crisis situation, then you can do it at the end of the day, before you go to sleep. This will release the burdens or oppressiveness which you might otherwise carry into the next day.
Even if you have only a minute or two where you can close your eyes, and come back to your center, try it — especially if something has upset you or thrown you off center. Let your self be aware of your feelings. Don't try to do anything, just relax. And, if you feel any resentment, let go of it. Resenting is trying to force things to be a certain way, rather than letting go. After a minute or so, slowly and gently open your eyes and return to your activities.
What if you feel you just need to center while you are in the middle of your day?
Whenever you feel a need to connect with this place within you, you can place your right hand over your heart, close your eyes, and take a minute or two to just sit quietly. Take a few deep breaths, and let them out slowly; relax. Feel the sense of centeredness, the inner consciousness.
If you can feel something pushing you out of your center, it is best to attend to that as it comes up. There is always some indicator, some strong thought or feeling or desire that begins to take root. Catch it as soon as you become aware of it. See it. Look at it. Don't try to suppress it, but rather, remember that it is not you, and you do not need to act on it. Reclaim that power of choice in the moment, here, now. That is sufficient to allow you remain centered. If it seems important, and you don't have time for it now, remind yourself that there will be time for it later.
Sometimes, you may need to actually push some undesirable influence out of your space, rather than allow it to gain a foothold. For example, you can do this with negativity, by noticing that it isn't you. Take a few deep breaths, tell yourself you do not accept that influence, and see it passing by you — without intercepting it or bringing it into you. Instead, it will just pass by you. This strengthens your personal boundaries, your sense of self.
You may not be able to choose everything that happens to you, but you can choose how you will react to it, or you can change your reaction to something more workable, or you can learn to not be overly reactive in the first place. This is where you do have the power of choice. It is not in the past, when things might have happened, or in the future, when you imagine something might happen, but rather in the present moment. Your power — your power to choose — is always right here, right now. And the more centered you are, the more empowered you are to choose what is right, good, and true for you. The more familiar you are with your center, the more you will come from there — instead of occasionally centering, and being overwhelmed much of the time, you will be centered most of the time, and only occasionally displaced from there. It takes practice — both quietly on your own, doing the centering exercise, and in activity, when you are "tested."
Basically, as soon as you react negatively to what you perceive outside you, you bring it into yourself, upon yourself — you are wrongly affected by it, and it has power over you. This is why it is better to not resent or judge others, no matter how they may provoke you. This does not mean suppressing your feelings, or ignoring people, or somehow resisting them inside you — that only brings what you do not like outside you, inside you. Rather, you can learn to be truly calm and poised within your self, to properly deal with all kinds of situations. You will be the flame with a clear glass shield, and whatever might disturb you will now blow by.
When you are practiced at centering, you can take a moment to do it whenever you feel the need, with your eyes open or closed.
9. Dealing With Stress
Stress is generally a result of not dealing effectively or appropriately with situations — you are overwhelmed, thrown off balance, or upset. When you internalize the external pressures that are upon you, you feel inner turmoil, anxiety, pressure, conflict, or other forms of upset (or "dis-ease") inside you. You lose your center and become reactive. There are physical stressors such as disease, as well as mental, emotional, and other stresses. Stress affects us on all levels. And there is a destructive cycle inherent in stress reactions. The long term effects of stress are damaging to health and well-being.
You may experience stress when you act out of conditioning, programming, or other limiting habit patterns; when you act contrary to your conscience or inner knowing; or when you feel pressured by other people's expectations, desires, will, or demands on you.
Stress is not a part of success. It is not at all desirable to your self, if you are being true to your self. You might desire endless peace or happiness, but you couldn't possibly desire endless stress or suffering. Stress just isn't good for you. For the most part, stress brings out what is worst in people.
It is not possible to be centered in your self and be stressed, or to be stressed and be centered in your self. The more negatively you are affected by things outside you, the more stressed you will feel, and the less success you will experience in your ability to simply be your self and act from there.
The stress you experience in life/work overflows into many areas of life as you run short on the energy and means to effectively deal with situations. Stress is a destructive pattern which supports other limiting patterns of behavior in your life, by which you may try to cope inappropriately. Instead of releasing our stress, we often find addictions which distract us from what our real problems are. Basically, this does not release you from the effects of stress, because it does not release the stress from you. You still act out of stress and pressure, and lose your natural connection with your own resources, your own self — more and more; and your larger behavior patterns become adaptations to stress.
You may build up deeper levels of tiredness, fatigue, and pain in you, making you even more sensitive to, or reactive to, outside pressures. The stress you then experience further drains your energy, and this cycle goes on and on. Many dis-eases come from or are aggravated by stress in exactly this way.
Stress must not be coped with, or enjoyed — it must be gotten rid of. Above all the symptoms of stress must not be dealt with in a way that makes you immune to any awareness of the real underlying problem. Current advice on "stress management" which seeks to put you at ease with what is wrong in you and your behavior is, at best, misguided.
Everything you experience creates an impression upon you, your senses, and your nervous system, whether you are aware of it or not. And it invites a response, from you, or within you. Stress is a limiting, non-constructive response. Stress gets into you by your own negative reaction. It is this reactiveness — the cause of stress, not the symptoms — that must be dealt with. Only then can you act most appropriately and effectively, rather than acting out automatic reactions to whatever (or whoever) pressures you or places demands upon you.
Whenever you resent pressure, authority, intimidation, having demands placed upon you, what you are doing, or who you are doing it with, it is stressful. The idea is to be centered in your self, and act from there — to not be pressured by anything outside you. The key to truly managing is not to be reactive, not to be affected by everything (or anything in particular) outside you, but to be moved from within. Practicing the centering process, daily, will release you from your reactiveness to external things. And it will release the stress from you.
You cannot control everything that happens outside you, but you can master your own ability to respond — which means not being reactive, not resenting, not judging, not being a victim. You can learn to be centered, patient, calm, and poised, in your self.
Your breath is something that you can work with, anytime, anywhere, to be more calm and clear.
All you need to do is take a few slow, even, deep breaths. Breathe out slowly, and relax on the exhale. You will find that tension, stress, worries, doubts, and fears loosen their grip on you. By simply paying attention to your breath, and working with that, you can move out of the space of problems and into a place of more calm and centeredness in your self.
Exercise Three: This is an exercise in awareness. As you go through the day, be aware of times when you may feel a sense of beginning to be overwhelmed by or overly stressed by something. And just quietly turn your attention toward your self, toward your breath. Bring your awareness back toward your inner self, take a few deep breaths, relaxing on the exhale, and then go on from there.
You can do this at any time, anywhere. It doesn't require you to understand anything, or intellectualize about something, or solve any problem. You simply breathe, consciously. It works.
Stress and anxiety relate to your own particular responses to situations; they are not inherent in a given situation, but in you. The stress reaction is a conditioned form of behavior that is both limiting and self-destructive. Your negative reaction to whatever you feel stressed by, limits your ability to respond in a way that would be most true to your self.
Some people seem to enjoy stress; they take their identity from stress; they enjoy having performance pressured out of them. They feel that they rise to the occasion, that stress brings out the best in them. The "joy" of stress is a false "high" similar to that in all sorts of self-destructive behavior patterns. There isn't any true joy in stress. You don't need something negative to bring out what is positive in you. You can appreciate success without stress.
10. Payoffs
There is a payoff in every choice you make, in every decision. You choose what you do because of that perceived payoff, benefit, or advantage. But, the payoff may be quite delusive, illusory, or ultimately unreal.
Consider the example of a person who is addicted to something (and most people are). The person will choose, over and over, without a second thought, whatever thoughts, feelings, desires, or behavior they happen to be addicted to. In many ways, they keep choosing their addiction, at each moment. They have the possibility of doing a nearly endless variety of other things, but they just keep doing the one they are addicted to. They are conditioned to act, unthinkingly, to obtain the familiar payoff — whether it is sensory or physical gratification, pleasure, emotional excitement, or the possibility of some great payoff.
This is why people gamble, why they are promiscuous, why they use drugs and alcohol, why they see "partying" as having some ultimate meaning or value in their lives. There is something which bypasses the inner mind, the rational mind, and the conscience, which promises some ultimate satisfaction or reward for giving in to the basest instincts. The perceived payoff, some imagined happiness, is never quite real or lasting. So the behavior is repeated, ad infinitum, ad nauseam, with no real possibility of any other result or any true happiness.
In fact, this is how most people make most choices in their lives, on a daily basis. They are rewarded — or reward themselves — for making erroneous choices, satisfying ego, emotion, physical pleasure, and fleeting "happiness."
What is the payoff that you are getting, which is determining your choices, your thinking, your desires, your behavior? Is it real, is it lasting, or is it just an illusion of satisfaction or happiness you are pursuing? Do you get to feel "right"?
You are rarely taught to question your choices, your habits, your behavior, your desires. You are usually presented with an assortment of items, as if at a buffet, and told to pick and choose what you want, to satisfy your tastes and your desires. And so you go from one thing to the next, choosing this or that (or just this, over and over), labeling this process "success." But you are merely trading in all of your infinite possibilities for just another meal at the trough of life. You are giving up every possibility — everything — for very little or nothing.
So, if you find that you have problems, or difficult decisions, consider what you have been doing with every choice that you have been given, at every moment of your life. Consider what it is you have been getting, and what you have been losing in the process. You may find that your payoff is postponement of suffering, delusive satisfaction, or imagined betterment — and that the real payoff is just more problems.
Many if not all of your choices come from conditioning, programming, and social indoctrination. None of them may ultimately be true to you. Few of them may have any inherent goodness, rightness, or truthfulness. This is especially the case when your illusions begin to shatter, when you begin to see things for what they really are, when you are faced with the hard choices. You begin to see that things are not at all what you might once have thought or expected or hoped.
This awareness is the basis of choosing something different, something ultimately more real, right, good, and true. This is how you solve problems and make real decisions.
11. Addictive Behavior
Addictive behavior represents a loss of self.
Perhaps you may have a "milder" form of addiction (rather than using drugs), which you might not even consider an addiction at all. If so, you may have a self-destructive or addictive personality, and crave what is not good for you.
You may have a junk food addiction, or a coffee, cola, chocolate, or sugar addiction, which can be damaging your personal health. You might have a shopping addiction, or a gambling addiction, and compulsively get rid of money. Romance novels, sex, pornography, and violence can be very addicting and supportive of fantasies.
You could even be addicted to watching TV, spending your life, wasting your life, addicted to it. Even if it's "free," you are still paying the price. You aren't abusing your self any less if the monetary cost is low — or if you tell yourself that it is good for you. Almost all addicts believe that lie.
Addictions feed illusions; so, you may enjoy your habit, and think it is okay. You may have a work addiction or feel compelled to do things to "perfection," and see it as a good thing. But, such behavior patterns can lead to divorce, or hurt or neglect others.
Are you obsessed with, addicted to, or caught up in, anything?
An addiction involves a surrender to negative programming and emotion. Catering to emotions and ego gratification creates a foundation for many addictions. If you have a habit that consumes you or your life, it is an addiction — even if you tell yourself that you can be free of it whenever you want, or that it is harmless or enjoyable, or legal, or good for you. Try giving it up for a week. If you feel any withdrawal symptoms, such as anxiety, or are unable to, it is addictive for you.
Psychological addictions (such as a gambling addiction) are often as destructive to your life as drug addictions. What you abuse yourself with doesn't have to be obtained illegally. Most addictions are legal, but self-destructive, anyway.
All addictions are characterized by the loss of will, and the desire to escape from your self, your reality. In the process of acting out an addiction, you feel "better" only because you suppress your conscience and your guilt, and feed your pride, ego, selfishness, and delusions. You actually become very unaware.
Think about it. What have you given up your life to, your will to, your mind to; what escape from reality have you made your pseudo-reality; what are you addicted to: sugar, coffee, chocolate, cola, junk food, gambling, shopping, sex, violence, TV, religion, sports, money, work, pride, ambition, hate, apathy, "love"?
In an addiction, what you are suppressing is your own life. It doesn't matter if it "feels good" or if "everyone else" does it, or if it's only psychologically addicting or only physically addicting, or if it's been legally prescribed to help you get "up" or "down." An addiction is an increasing denial of reality.
If you are using something, habitually, repeatedly, with no end in sight or even considered, which whips up your body, mind, or emotions — even if you happen to think it's really just OK — you have addictive behavior. You are seeking escape from life, and denying your own true thoughts, feelings, and desires.
What you think is taking you higher is actually, at every step, taking you lower. You may even get addicted to the "up" and "down," the excitement or the intrigue — it can feed ambition and ego. But, whatever you are addicted to, you are enslaved to. You have no will in relation to it. It runs you.
It doesn't matter what you are addicted to; the very act of addiction is what diminishes you. You begin to serve something that cannot truly serve you. In fact, whatever you are addicted to, you hate — you do not love it. You cannot love what enslaves you. It is suppressing the life, light, and truth in you.
An addiction remains an addiction even if — especially if — you accept it. It doesn't work to tell yourself that just because you aren't using heroin you don't have an addiction. Addiction to anything is self-destructive. It is something you have given up your power to (even if you prefer to deny it).
If you have this tendency to escape from reality into ego-supporting, or self-destructive self-delusions, your awareness of what is right and good and true will be diminished. And you may accept addiction and negative programming, more.
12. Alcohol and Drugs
This material is to help you to see that it isn't necessary to use alcohol or drugs, to make you aware that you have a better choice available to you, always. If you are already using, or have a history of using, you may choose to rely upon professional help for your own situation.
A person may use drugs or alcohol because they feel that it will add something to their life, that it will make them "more," or ease the pain of feeling they are "less" than they could be — or because they resent what they have become. Using drugs or alcohol does not make you better as a person, more authentic, or more "you"; it makes you less. It is merely a way to alter your mood, your feelings, and your relationship with others and the world, artificially and negatively.
Sure, you may feel good when you use alcohol or drugs, at least initially. But it is largely an illusion. Besides, even if you feel good, or enjoy something, or "everyone" seems to be doing it, that doesn't make it right or good for you. More likely, you may be ignoring or denying all of the negative effects, including casual sex or promiscuity, loss of self-esteem, loss of consciousness, loss of control, risky behavior including driving under the influence, loss of work or jobs, money down the drain, and so on.
Addiction is a programmed behavior, arising from and producing a loss of self. It begins with a feeling of lack inside. Some trauma or wrong influence may have caused you to fear or deny the hurt, suffering, guilt, or anger within you. Using drugs or alcohol is a choice to relieve or compensate for that feeling of lack, to relieve the symptoms, rather than to solve the underlying problem.
The illusion is that you are getting free, while you are really getting enslaved; rising above the problem, while the problem is really burying you. You don't always see this because your awareness is drastically reduced and entrapped by using drugs or alcohol — or maybe you just don't want to see.
In an addiction, you escape from your real self into non-self, from reality into illusion, or from illusion to a greater illusion. It takes a great deal of courage to admit that this is so, and to do something about it. You have to get rid of the self-negating programming, emotional reactiveness, resentment and weakness which lock you into your addictiveness.
There is so much negativity, emotion, egotism, and programming bombarding you from the moment you are born, that it is hard to resist it all. Many people give in to it. The alternative is to learn to overcome negative programming, by a process of breaking free from the deceptions and illusions that bind you. That is what the process of centering, and learning to live from your true center or core self, is all about. It's about getting real, and finding a place to stand, within you.
Perhaps you have learned from your culture or peers to act as something you are not, or to behave self-destructively — and enjoy it. Perhaps you feel strong or confident; perhaps you have a feeling of pride or control, which gives you the "strength" or "ability" to use drugs or alcohol, without becoming "addicted." Such ego pride or assurance is actually just another illusion, a weakness or delusion of self. The false reassurance which drugs provide must ultimately disappoint you because it is a lie; dealing with the wrong in this world in the wrong way only makes you more wrong. No one can win that game.
The true inner nature is defeated when you fall for any of the self-destructive illusions of this world. Drugs only help you to do that better. See the trap, the trick, the lie, the illusion, for what it is — not as the salvation or comfort it pretends to be. Realize the need to truly be free from negativity, self-delusion, ego, emotion, resentment — and not just deny it.
"Just saying no" doesn't work, because of the strong conditioning to just go ahead and do what feels good, what is "cool," whatever takes the pain away, whatever gets you accepted among peers, whatever feeds your ego. Instead, you can learn how to be true to your own self; this is the only way to develop strength of character and will power (not ego or emotion) to "say no."
If you use drugs you have already given up your power. You come from a place of lack and end up in lack, and along the way you lose what really matters. You lose work, you lose loved ones, you lose purpose in life, you lose touch with a higher reality, you lose your self. Your vision gets very, very narrow.
If you would like to reclaim your power, and learn to be true to yourself, you need to break the very habit of falling for illusions, reacting in the wrong way (especially emotionally), compensating for feelings of failing with a bigger ego, and using drugs to hide the pain. The truth is, reality just isn't as hard as being an addict or an alcoholic. It is a much better choice to work out a problem in life rather than to play it out in the more painful and unnecessary drama of self-destruction. You cannot possibly overcome anything by denying or resenting it, even if you imagine so.
When you have an addiction you may be the last person to find out, because you deny it, justify it, rationalize it, and accept it. You tell yourself that it's just a little, it's good for you, you need it. If you imagine that you feel "good" and "right," you are only suppressing your true conscience. There is no safe escape in addiction, whatever you are using. It ultimately suppresses your very life, your consciousness, your self.
Addiction is based in denial; it is a way in which you are not telling yourself the truth. As a result, you may have a hard time telling others the truth, too. This inability or unwillingness to be honest with yourself or others causes relationships to not work, either. Maybe, if you are in such a situation, you haven't known that, or known how to have things work. It is never too late to learn.
13. Forgiveness
If resentment is a choice to hold on to the hurts and pain that others may have caused you in the past — because you have every reason to — then forgiveness is a choice to let go of them, even though you have no reason to.
We will give you a reason to forgive: forgiveness sets you free.
When we speak of forgiveness, we are not talking about rationalizing, justifying, or excusing anything that has been done to you. We are simply pointing out that holding on to hurt is not a workable way to get past it. There is a better way. You can let go of the hurt without having to excuse someone from the wrong they did (whether they truly wronged you, whether that was their intent or not, or whether it may have only been in your perceptions).
For the sake of letting go, it doesn't matter if you were intentionally wronged or not. Assume that you were completely wronged, intentionally, in the worst way. Even then, you need to be able to forgive.
What you forgive, what you cannot let go of, is your own hurt. You have chosen to think of yourself as so totally wronged that you deserve to have that hurt. And no one can tell you otherwise. But, if you think about it, isn't that self-defeating? Even if they are no longer there, you keep doing it to yourself, hurting yourself by holding on to your hurt.
Wouldn't you rather be free?
Forgiving someone does not mean you excuse them, or that what they did is okay.
Forgiving is simply saying to yourself, "I choose to release myself from this hurt. I choose to let go of my hurtful reaction. I choose to be free."
It may take a bit of further explanation to convince yourself that it really is worth it to forgive someone, that you aren't somehow letting them off the hook or putting yourself down. First, realize that you do not have to ever tell anyone that you have forgiven them; that is not necessary. You simply have to do it, within you. Next, realize that since you do not need to tell anyone that you forgive them, you need not have any expectations about how they would react. They aren't going to react — or try to make you wrong — if you do not try to convince them of your point of view, or tell them that you forgive them. Realize, the person need not even be alive anymore, for you to forgive them. Your forgiveness is entirely by you and for you.
Finally, you need to actually forgive yourself for things in your own life, things you might regret, mistakes, hurts you may have caused others, whether you knew better or not. It has been said that being ignorant and doing something unintentionally is an excuse for our behavior. We would prefer to say that if you had known better, you might have done better. But, you didn't, did you? So, it makes little sense to blame or judge yourself. And, if you can see how totally wrong you might have been, and admit it, doesn't that mean you wish to know something better now?
So, you can forgive yourself for everything you have done wrong, too. You do not have to ask for anyone else's forgiveness, and you do not have to convince anyone else of your sincerity. That is something in your own heart. But, if it helps, you can do a visualization exercise, where you close your eyes, center yourself, and when you are ready you can bring to mind a person you wish to be forgiven by, and see yourself asking for their forgiveness. You might cry. You might feel more free. It is entirely a process you do from your side, within you; don't hold the expectation that anything will be differently outwardly. It is enough that you reconcile your own heart, although in some cases, it may be necessary to make amends.
Forgiving yourself is not a replacement for discernment. It doesn't mean you can do anything you want, ignore what is right and wrong, and then simply forgive yourself. That is not forgiveness, it is foolishness and avoidance of responsibility. Forgiveness or not, you are responsible for your actions and their consequences. Forgiveness doesn't change that. It simply acknowledges that you have learned how to move on, and that you are willing to do so.
Forgiveness is not an excuse to allow someone who may have hurt you to hurt you again. Too often people "forgive" those who hurt them, and this includes battered women, only to be hurt again. That is not what we mean by forgiveness. If you are in any kind of situation where you are still being hurt in any way, you need to consider how to get out of that situation rather than learning to put up with it by being "forgiving." That is not forgiveness, it is denial; and it is ultimately self-destructive.
Forgiveness restores you to greater wholeness in your self, and makes you more, not less.
If there is anything that you cannot forgive, anything that you just can't let go of, realize that it is worth your while to learn how to let go of it. Holding on to what hurts you, only hurts you more.
Forgive for no reason other than that you wish to be free already. Do it entirely for your self.
Honor your self enough to get past anything that would put you down or keep you down. You deserve much, much more than that.
14. Affirmation
In order to act as who you are — in a way that is true to you — you first need to be more comfortable with who you are and know who you are, inside.
"I am" is the most basic affirmation of your existence, who you are, your essential being. Being is about who you are, within you, on a deeper level; doing is about how you act outside of you, in the world-at-large.
The world tends to invalidate who you are, not always overtly or intentionally, but it happens nevertheless — by people, situations, and the media.
In so many ways, you are told that happiness is something to be found outside of you; you are told that love is something to be found outside of you; you are told that peace is entirely a matter of whether there is peace out there: "peace in the world." All of these erroneous messages — you can call them programming or indoctrination — rob you of the very things you are told are "available" somewhere else, out there. In other words, these essential qualities are denied or invalidated within you.
Being invalidated by others — whether family, classmates, teachers, or authority figures — we get the message that we aren't good enough, we don't have meaning and purpose within us. Others know better. Others have truth, beauty, goodness, peace, and joy. And we go off on a fruitless search for those things out there in the world. Or else we give up on them — they have been made so distant, so removed from us, that we cannot even relate to them. And so we fail to find them within us.
We're here to remind you where to look for truth, peace, beauty, and joy: in you. This lesson is to help you learn to validate or affirm these qualities — within you — as essential qualities of your inner being. This are who you are, on a deeper level, within you.
It may be really hard for some people to relate to this, but the truth is: you are beautiful, as you are. Beauty is not some label the world or others bestow upon you when you meet some arbitrary standard of superficial appearance or fashion or style. That external approval, acceptance, and judgment has nothing whatsoever to do with the beauty that you have within you. It is irrelevant. And no matter how many people are in agreement on some artificial standards of acceptable beauty, it is all absolutely meaningless.
Not only are you beautiful, you truly are full of beauty. In bringing this essential quality of who you are inside back to you, consider that you not only have beauty, you are beauty. That is an inseparable, inviolate, essential quality of your inner being — which, in reality, you can never lose or never be deprived of. You may have "learned" to ignore this, belittle this, or overlook this in you, but it did not ever go away. It is still there. And it will always be there.
The same is true for the qualities of peace, love, truth, and joy.
It does not matter how much the world-at-large — anyone or everyone — tells you that these are things that you need to find outside of you. That is not true. The truth is, these are all essential to the core of your inner being, who you really are inside. And, no matter how much these qualities might have been ignored, put down, overshadowed, or hidden within you, they are still there. They have always been there, and nothing can ever take them away.
This is the most validating affirmation of who you truly are: "I am. I am enough. I am love, truth, beauty, peace, joy, and goodness. This is who I am, now and always. This is who I have always been." This is your true center, the core, the deeper self. And, no matter what you may experience, no matter how hard anything may be or may have been in your life, this inner self has remained inviolate, whole, undamaged, and true. This is who you are.
Exercise Four: Begin by settling comfortably in your seat, and just relax. Close your eyes and take a few deeper breaths, for about a minute, and feel any tensions or anxieties begin to loosen their grip. You are going to be affirming the truest state of your being: who you really are. Just be aware of thoughts and feelings that come up as you do this process, and let them pass by you, without doing anything about them.
When you are ready, begin to affirm (out loud if you wish, and you have sufficient privacy): "I am. I am enough. I am love, truth, beauty, peace, joy, and goodness. This is who I am, now and always. This is who I have always been." If you like, you can affirm part of this statement, such as, "I am enough, now and always," or "I am peace," or "I am filled with beauty." Choose what feels right for you, what uplifts you the most, what puts you in touch with who you really wish to know yourself to be. Continue this process for a few minutes. Notice any contrary thoughts that come up; let them come up and pass. When you are done, gently open your eyes.
This exercise may be difficult or easy for you, or it could be harder to do at another time, especially when you are experiencing problems. That is precisely when you need to do this exercise, to help you to return to your center, your true self. This is a place in you in which to stand, to deal with problems outside you, from a place of strength rather than weakness, doubt, worry, guilt, fear, and so on. This is not just a positive affirmation, it is a truer state of being.
As you do this exercise you may notice very strong contrary thoughts come up, negative thoughts or feelings, ones that negate you. They are your programming and prior conditioning. Do not believe these negative thoughts or feelings, do not give in to them — they are a habitual self-defeating conditioning which the world-at-large has bestowed upon you. You have the power in the present moment to reject those limiting and false beliefs about yourself. You don't have to try to do this with force, by forcing them away. Just look at them as if from a distance, and mentally say, I can see you. And then let them go. When you see negative thoughts and feelings for what they are and choose not to suppress, wrestle with, or buy into them, they will lose their power over you. You choose a higher truth for your self. It is a choice you make, as to what you truly want to believe about your self. And you owe it to yourself to believe the highest truth.